I have a friend who is somewhat insecure about her relationship with her partner.
She got pregnant after a mere 3- to 4-months of dating her partner, forcing them both into an “insta-partnership” even though they still don’t know each other very well.
Consequently, while the partner has embraced their child together, on the back of her mind, there are still doubts in her head as to whether they are together because of the child, or because he loves her.
The problem with being totally honest with ourselves is that the guy is most likely there because of his insta-father status. There’s nothing but a daughter that can melt a man’s heart into small little pieces, and just a tiny smile or grunt from the little ones is an incentive for the ma n to stay.
Ironically, it does not mean that a man will stay, he loves the woman, the mother of the child. Often times, it is because of circumstance — este, the baby — that he stays — and not because he really really loves her.
A man who loves someone usually wants to do right with a woman and marry her BEFORE having child with her. That way, the child is automatically legitimate, and most importantly, he loves her enough to marry her.
But a child before marriage sometimes creates a situation called, pikot. In English, the closest word is a shotgun marriage, where the man marries a woman to do right for the child.
Consequently, the woman always has constant doubts about her relationship with the man.
If some woman even talks to her man, she becomes paranoid and worries that this woman might steal her man away. If she goes out with the boys, she is paranoid and feels that he is up to no good. She skims his phone and looks at his messages, looking for evidence of cheating. She looks and looks, and wonders if he really is where he says he is.
This concerns the man and he in turn becomes more secretive and defensive of his actions.
“I’m not doing anything wrong,” he would say. “Why can’t you trust me?”
“I trust you….” she would say, “But I don’t trust THEM.”
As if it’s these imaginary women that are out to get her husband.
Hint: They are not.
If a man wants to cheat, he will. And if a man wants to stay loyal, he will as well. Cheating in a relationship has more to do with the partner who cheats than the temptation around him.
But a pregnant female partner being very insecure and paranoid makes a guy defensive and less committed.
He wonders whether a relationship with this woman is actually a good thing, because if he was, why the heck does she not trust him fully?
It’s because they got together for the wrong reasons — a baby.
So a baby forces them to be together, even though they are still not sure about each other. Because there is an external thing that keeps them together, the woman is insecure about the reasons a man is with her in the first place.
If you can, use protection when you are dating and don’t get pregnant until you are really really sure about your relationship.
Seriously, I do not understand how a woman can be accidentally pregnant if she’s having sex and actively protecting herself. I can understand if a man withdraws and there’s an accident, but if a woman is doing her share, the chance of her getting pregnant with protection is very minimal.
Bringing a baby into the world when you are in an unsure relationship adds pressure to the partnership, and sometimes, dooms the relationship necessarily.
If you are not married, then fine. I’m okay with women having kids and not marrying if that rocks your boat.
However, I would rather hope that the woman is confident about her physical, emotional, mental and spiritual connection with her partner BEFORE getting pregnant. If a woman is more sure that the man is with her for the right reasons before getting pregnant, so many problems could have been avoided.
So women who are actively dating and are sexually active, please use protection. Do not get pregnant yet UNLESS IT IS YOUR CONSCIOUS CHOICE and you are sure about the relationship.
For men who are sexually active with your spouse, use your OWN protection. Some women apparently poke holes on condoms to get accidentally pregnant so that you can commit.
And for those who are stuck in an unhappy partnership because of a baby, make the most out of the consequence of your action and find happiness in a relationship you originally desired for in the first place. Complaining about your partner does not help. Emoting on Facebook does not help. Instead, be happy with your child, and your lot.
“But I don’t want the situation I am in,” she would say.
That’s why, if avoidable, don’t get pregnant until you are sure about him. And if you do, find joy with the baby you have.
Babies are a blessing, so as much as possible, spare the baby from the conflicts you and your partner get yourself in and try to make co-parenting work.
Have a good week everyone!