Love Hacks: Talk about Cheating BEFORE it Happens

A woman is mad because she discovered her husband was talking to a recently separated officemate and offering her words of comfort as she goes through her separation. “Honestly, I felt jealous on how he comforts her,” she complained. “He already did this before when we were living together. He would still message his ex, chat with girls he used to date before me. I don’t know if you call that cheating?”

She wonders if she’s in the right or is she only becoming sensitive. She asked other mommies if it’s okay to still talk to someone you used to flirt with. 

I applaud women who have the courage to ask whether they are right or wrong before they go bazooka on the husband. In every fight, there’s two sides of every story, and despite thinking that she should be right all the time being the woman of his dreams and the mother of his child, I honestly don’t think that the woman is right all the time.

Whether or not this is cheating depends on the couple—Have they talked about about this before? Was cheating ever defined? Is kissing on the cheek cheating? Is texting about non-sexual issues cheating? If you’ve not discussed cheating and set the limits early in the relationship, how can you clearly say that he was cheating when he was just comforting a woman through her separation?

fight

It is only cheating if you’ve told him that this specific action made you uncomfortable, and both of you resolved not to do this action again. And then, without telling you, he still did it. Now that’s cheating.

But without any discussion or agreement to stop such action, how can you throw the word “cheating” to his face?

MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

We need to tell him what bothers us, and be very specific and thorough about it. But a big problem for us women is that we hate discussing sensitive issues. We don’t get our resolutions before it happens. Then, when shit hits the fan, we react explosively.

A friend of mine pissed his girlfriend off because he chatted with an ex on Facebook. They resolved for him to cut off all his exes. A few months later, we had a group lunch and one of the attendants was a girl whom he pursued before and he got basted. She got pissed about that as well. The girl wasn’t an ex, and it was a group lunch. Who knew?

If you want to stop fighting, have the courage to sit down and talk about rules and regulations re: talking to other women. Define what’s cheating and what’s just being friendly? Where do you draw the line? What’s ok and not okay?

TALK

Take this opportunity to also discuss consequences if your guy crosses the line. Will you leave him? Should there be a penalty? My friend was a repeat offender so I suggested a penalty of Php 100,000 if caught cheating. Hey, it’s money she didn’t have before. If you’re unmarried, this is a good time to discuss child support and put the agreement on paper.

The simple act of sitting down and discussing this issue like two mature adults does wonders in clearing things out for both parties so this won’t happen again.

Talking to him and settling this issue directly is better than complaining about him. Talk calmly and discuss what both of you expect in terms of behavior, decorum and logic. Make it clear what will happen to him and to you if each person does not follow the rules. If you do this, maiiwasan ang mga labuan and maiwasan na mabigyan siya ng lusot dahil hindi kasi maayos ang pinagusapan ninyong dalawa. 

Now, that’s a win win.

 

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2 Responses to Love Hacks: Talk about Cheating BEFORE it Happens

  1. Karleen Gayle says:

    I enjoyed reading this! My husband and I never had a chance to talk about sensitive issues too. But I feel there is no need for that. No rules. It’s like, the moment we got married, there’s an automatic agreement regarding those things kahit na di napag-usapan verbally, that there’s a line that must not be crossed, like, for example, exchanging messages with an ex. I guess, that line is drawn way far before the relationship even began. A person’s definition of cheating is influenced by years and years of experiences, upbringing, principles, sariling standards all summed into one. I think mahirap talaga iimpose yan sa isat-isa kung magkaiba kayo ng standard in the first place. I am thankful that my husband has the same “cheating” line as I have, and he has it not because I imposed it on him, but because that is his own standard even way before he met me.

    Like

    • Tina says:

      Thanks for that insightful comment. You gave two valid points:

      1. Our values is built on our years of experiences, upbringing, principles, which vary from person to person as no two people are like; and
      2. It’s easier if you marry someone who shares the same values and beliefs.

      Choosing someone to marry must be done with care and consideration. It is more ideal if we marry someone who is similar to us. However if our values differ, all is not lost. Communication is key to prevent miscommunication and mischief. Hopefully more communication is done during the dating period, hindi yung after the wedding.

      Unfortunately, many marry following the heart. As they say, opposites attract. Masarap ang bawal. And bad boys can be the deadliest of boyfriends. That’s why, we end up with guys who still surprise us even after we got married. Akala natin common sense, pero we actually don’t have anything in “common” pala.

      Which is why, couples must communicate their expectations early. Para walang gulo or labuan.

      You’re lucky with your hubby. You started with the same standard. Many wives do not have this luxury. They married someone opposite of them. What’s more, they’re terrible communicators and will just fight with their husbands over petty issues. Even without saying it, husbands daw are supposed to know, even though they’re not mind readers. No wonder many husbands want to escape their wives!

      Liked by 1 person

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