Q&A: What should I do if Husband and I Have Petty Fights all the time? He does not give me what I want…!

ORIGINAL QUESTION:

My husband and I constantly fight over petty issues.

Like just 2 weeks ago we fought over an officemate of his that would send him memes from FB through messenger. Anytime of the day even during weekends. His point is it’s not like he’s doing something wrong. My point is he should act reserved since he’s a married man.

Just today we fought because we are running errands for our daughter’s birthday. And one of this is to have his graphic artist friend do some layout for us. I was vocal to him that I wanted to come along and that we could also complete other tasks while we’re out. But it also includes bringing our daughter. I always bring my daughter with me everywhere.

Now he said that I could come, I declined because he already planned it to be a booze night session. I told him that I’m not comfortable having our daughter with us while he’s having drinks with his friends. But the stubborn B in me still wants him to make it favorable for me. Like not getting drinks with the guys and make us complete other task. He has another night out tomorrow anyway but with a different crowd though. But still I wanted to him to just give in to what I want. I’m a SAHM and who just really want to go out.

But the thing with my husband is he’s not like other guys that would give in to be sweet or to be a gentleman. He wouldn’t tolerate something just because I want it or to make me happy. We fight a lot because of this. Because I really get to be stubborn too in a way when I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to give in to me sometimes.

Like with the issue with his officemate he doesn’t want to agree with me to just avoid the girl. Because in his point of view, he’s not doing anything wrong. It’s just memes and it’s not like he’s going to cheat.

With our issue now, he ended up not going out. He said that I was unfair, I asked him to do something for our daughter but only within my terms. I am more bothered that he didn’t go to his friend’s house at all just to give me the big NO, just to show me that he can’t just give me what I want. My point is why can’t he give it to me when he has another me time tomorrow anyways?

I am really having the feeling that he’s really not in love with me. Last Valentine’s day I told him that I want us to celebrate that day even just by exchanging love letters. But still he didn’t do it he told me that he doesn’t do Valentine’s day. I am really puzzled like why would he refuse to do something that would make me smile or happy.

The thing is whenever we fight, no one wants to back down. He would always end the issue by just telling me to go home to my parents. That I could bring or leave my daughter. That if I don’t like his terms I am free to go home. I feel that he doesn’t want to understand my love language. He’s not like this before we got married.

I need enlightenment and explanations that husband like him really does exist and that I should accept and endure that he wouldn’t give in to me. Or I could just go home anytime I want.

—————————————–

My answer

IF YOU KEEP ON WINNING THE BATTLE, YOU WILL LOSE THE WAR

Your husband is correct —- You’re being unfair. You keep on fighting for what you want, without much regard to what he wants. No wonder he does not want to be around you all the time.

You were not like this before. You were more fun. Now, you can’t go anywhere without your baby just because. He lets you join his night outs but you refuse unless it’s in YOUR terms. You admit you’re stubborn but refuse to give in.

Aside from being the mother of his child, your leverage is quite weak. You do not help with the household financially and all you do is be on his case the entire day. You nag him to do this or that but never ask him what he wants. That’s why he does not try to make you happy. Being the mother of his child does not justify that he should be at your beck and call.

That’s why, you guys fight.

He calls you out on your emotional blackmail. He does not try to make you happy because he’s unhappy with you. He won’t give in because you don’t give him much. And no, allowing him a night out is not reciprocating. It’s you throwing him a bone after a big fight.

That’s why, your marriage is in the rocks, Mommy. If you leave, he won’t chase after you. Honestly, he’s happy if you just went away.

MY HUSBAND’S FRIEND IS THE SAME

His wife is the mother of his two daughters. He loves his kids and stays because of them. He said he does not love the mother of his children anymore.

He hates going home because everytime he does, she picks a fight with him. He feels she does not support him, and brings him down. She nags him all the time and orders him around. She is just not pleasant to be with.

He’s a great guy, but the marriage is unhappy. I think the wife created this reality too, but can’t stop because it’s all about what she wants, and she fights because her needs are important.

IF YOU DON’T CHANGE, YOU WILL LOSE THE HUSBAND

Put yourself in his shoes —- Do you want to go home to YOU?

You’re stubborn. Pick fights with him just to win. Always angry and arguing just because. Then demands to be shown love just because you’re the mother of his child. With all the negativity, you wonder why your husband does not love you the same way anymore?

Your husband almost have enough of you. Napapagod din yan. I don’t think you should endure, but I do think you should reflect about your behavior as a woman and as a wife, and seriously think if you’re pleasant and a joy to be with?

What’s your Unique Selling Proposition aside from being the mother of his child?

THIS IS NOT A BASHING SESSION THAN A WAKE UP CALL

Sorry —- men want a helper in the marriage. They want someone who has their back all the time. When a man sees a woman, the woman has to spark joy, or peace or contentment.

When my husband sees me, I hope my darnest that he thinks he’s the luckiest dude ever to have bagged me. When he looks at me, I hope he sees I give him joy, peace and contentment with an occasional annoyingness at times.

That’s why I lessen his burden on financially supporting the household. I help him think of ways to make money.

I make him look good to his family and friends.

When he has a barkada session, I join him and watch the rest of the dudes b*tch about the wife. I think his friends feel he’s lucky to have a wife like me, which makes him doubly happy. And yes, we have brought the baby when she was younger to the open air drinking session. I know, I know. So yes, all his friends know our daughter. And are secretly envious of him having such a cool wife.

I make life for him happy, comfortable and peaceful. That’s my job as the wife. That’s why he likes to come home to me. Likewise, I believe because I make his life happy, he tries to make me happy as well. It’s all about give and take.

Hey, I did not say that we should be submissive. People who know me know I don’t take sh*t lying down. My husband fears what I will do to him if he cheats. I think we do have rights as a wife, woman and mother. But the husbands are not the enemy here.

We are.

Be nicer, more accommodating and sweet and stop fighting your husband. It’s not him who changed. It’s you too.

You want your marriage to be happy? Then do your part to create such reality. I’ve worked from Day 1 of our marriage to get to where we are. I worked hard to make life with me pleasant and happy, which is why he does not want to ever lose me. I do not take my marriage for granted, which is why he loves me more every year.

So if you continue to be antagonistic and sabotage your marriage, you do you. But don’t complain if the man eventually leaves you. Because he will. Change yourself and how you behave before it’s too late. Lose some battles and you will win the war.

Good luck!

About Tina in Manila

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