It’s Sunday, and I’m in a good mood. Plus the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is coming out this week. So I will honestly answer what many people want to ask but are afraid to.

“How important is sexual compatibility in a relationship? And if you are sexually incompatible, is there any way to salvage the relationship just because you love each other?”

*Cracks my knucles*

This is a fun question to answer, especially since I myself have adamant opinions about it. And while some of the answers are mine, others are shared to me by my other similarly opinionated and sexually independent girlfriends.

Yes, we talk about these things over cups of tea. 🙂

So back to the answer — Yes, sexual compatibility is very very important.

If your libido is higher than his, it would suck if he rejects you when you want it. He will shy off from sex. If the guy has lower libido, this will happen very often. It will be very frustrating. And you will feel unattractive.

FACT: Yes, guys can have lower libido than women. They are not all horny rabbits as everyone tells us to be. I have met men with lower libido and reject their partners.

If you like oral, and your guy does not like to give oral, then there’s no way in earth you can convince him to pleasure you. He will try to escape this job as much as possible. He will do it for a minute or two then stop and ask you to pleasure him instead!

Some guys like it super tight, while others like it wet and soft. It hurts their penis when it’s too tight.

Some guys like plain vanilla missionary and can only come in this position (Note to the ladies: It gets tighter if you cross your legs while doing it), while others prefer a lot of wetness (Add lubricant if you can’t provide lubrication) and/or variety.

Guys have their favorite positions — it’s our job to find out what it is and do it often. They will be bored or frustrated if we don’t try what they like.

Take for example hubby. He gave me a suggestion before of a position he liked.

“Really? You like that?” I asked him nonchalantly, not really realizing I sounded as if I was dismissive of his idea.

He kept quiet about this until after a few months of self-reflection when he finally confessed that this was something he really wanted to try with me.

I totally forgot about it!

“If it really meant a lot to you, why didn’t you ask me again?” I asked.

“I thought you didn’t like the idea!” he exclaimed.

“No, I never said I didn’t like the idea,” I answered. “I just weren’t sure if that was something you really really wanted to try.”

“That’s why I asked you!” he said.

Oh, okay…. note to self, if you really want to try something, SAY IT. Ask for it. Because if you won’t, it would eat you up inside!

Sex is all about constant communication. Guys don’t usually know what to do with you. It’s all about regular exploration, and you telling them what you need.

Hubby for example got better with oral as our relationship progressed. He was open to instruction, and my gosh, sometimes, he could really make me come hard.

*Suddenly shy — oh well, we’re married. So it’s fine.* 

But honestly, for me, a non-negotiable is a guy who likes to give oral sex.

I know that some guys do not like giving oral sex.

For them, oral sex is dirty.

The mound is yucky, and you have to part hairs away. The taste is something not everyone is used to. His tongue gets tired.

Whatever the reason, he doesn’t like it.

Ironically, all guys want to receive blowjobs! So they won’t give it to you but asks you give them some.

FACE PALM

For me, if the guy does not like to give, he is selfish. Period.

He can’t get over his high horse and pleasure you the way women could be pleasured.

That means, a relationship with this dude will be marred with you constantly asking him for things you need, and him giving you a gazillion excuses why he cannot deliver.

Girls, bewarned: Your needs are just as important as his, and him not really giving you what you ask for is not a good sign!

So sexual compatibility is all about matching your natural sexual needs and wants. It’s either you have it, or you don’t. You can learn as much as you can, but if your needs are different, there’s really no forcing it.

For me, sexual compatibility is a non-negotiable. 

If you are not sexual compatibility, you will struggle in the bedroom.

He will try to convince you to try his kinks, and you in your own conservative beliefs, would shy away.

If he likes to be Mr. Grey and you shudder at the thought of blindfolding him, don’t be surprised if he dumps you to try that kink elsewhere. If you are married, be wary of him being loyal because he will always want to try that elsewhere. He will always wonder.

As they say, masarap ang bawal (Bad is sexy).

Even Anastasia Steele was open to trying BDSM, and yes, that openness is sexy! So should you!

There’s no way around it, or to fake it. It’s your body, and your boobs can’t get bigger (an incompatibility if he likes big boobed women), you can’t get any wetter or dryer, and your libido is more or less won’t change.

Woe is to the person who is not sexually compatible with their partners. It can work, but it will be a struggle.

Relationships is already as hard as it is. Let’s not complicate things more by being with someone who is not as sexually compatible as us.

If you are the more dominant partner, you will always be frustrated. Why can’t he/she try this? Why can’t he/she do it more?

If you are the more submissive partner, you will get defensive. Can’t he/she understand you don’t need it as much? Why does he/she want to try that? It’s so…. taboo!

That’s how affairs happen.

I know women who were the mistresses in affairs. I knew women who were the wife in the affairs. And I knew the men who were involved in affairs.

Affairs happen because guys aren’t getting their needs met at home.

I condone affairs. I think it is hurtful to the wife and the kids. I feel sorry when an affair happens.

But I also understand affairs.

Big sigh.

If the wife cannot deliver, can we blame the guy for looking elsewhere? For being tempted with something he’s always wanted to try but can never really get at home?

I know of a guy who would have sex with his wife once a month. She would mark down that day in a calendar, and he would count to the days when they would have sex.

I know of a guy whose wife was an alpha female and was highly respected in the financial industry. He was also respected, but not as much as the wife. Was it a surprised he had an affair with a younger, more adventurous woman who was in another office who looked up to his greatness?

I know of a very respectable doctor whose wife is a housewife who successfully raised three kids but now spends her time playing online games with her daughter. Talking to her, the wife would complain about the drama in her family, her dogs and her kids. Coming from a position where critical decisions are made that can cause a patient to live or die, would it be too much of a surprise that this doctor would be easily attracted to someone who is his intellectual equal?

Yes, masarap ang bawal.

Now, can sexual compatibility be salvaged? Can love conquer all?

Honestly, I don’t think you can change sexual compatibility too much.

Love can make you stay in the relationship. “At least we are compatible in so many other ways,” you will tell yourself as you hug him/her tight, but I promise you, sooner or later, you will yearn what you don’t have.

When you look at other couples who are sexually compatible, who love touching each other, you will look at your partner and ask, “Why isn’t he/she like that?”

Later, as frustrations build up, you will ask, “If he/she loves me, why can’t he/she change for me?”

Trust me, nothing good will come out of this disastrous thought process. Confronting your partner regarding your frustrations would only make him/her say, “Hey, I thought we already talked about it, and I thought you understood!”

Oh well, I thought we could understand, but our bodies yearnings, well, they’re quite hard to control…

This is my official view: Sexual compatibility IS important, and no, if you are not sexually compatible, you and your partner WILL struggle.

So think very carefully if you really want this person if you are not sexually compatible.

Wait Bonita, how will you know if you are sexually compatible if you are a Christian and you can’t really try out the sex thing before marriage? What now?

It’s hard to know whether a car is good or not without giving it a test-drive.

But there are some ways to find out.

First, the way a guy kisses.

The first time I kissed Trader, I felt… NOTHING.

It’s bad to say it because it sounded very bitter, but honestly, it was nice. Tongue was given, but it was mechanical and yes, boring.

When I kissed him, I could hear other things happening. I thought of my work. I thought about his tongue. I could feel it going around, but that was about it.

I thought kissing him would improve over time. I became more aggressive and less aggressive, but kissing did not improve too much over time.

When I would hug him, the hug was mechanical for me. He would squeeze me and I would feel the squeeze, but there wasn’t too much warm feeling inside. It was really weird.

As for hubby, I could still remember the first day we kissed.

It was a dare between strangers, and we tried kissing each other. It was soft at first, but we couldn’t really stop.

After we left the restaurant, on the way to the parking lot, we heavily made out in the stairwell.

Phew, that was really hot.

Okay, now that we are married, those hot moments seem like memories, but heck, it was a good appetizer to the main course.

It made us think, “Whoa, this is good!”

Hubby didn’t really disappoint.

A man who has the guts to make out with a woman in a stairwell = A man who really don’t give a shit about common conventions and is willing to try out new things.

A man who can move like that = Must have more moves in the bedroom (True that, as I’ve discovered later after we got married).

Kissing Hubby and kissing Trader is like hot and cold. It was really different!

That’s when I learned how much I gave up just to be with a good guy. I closed my eyes and consoled myself that I was dating someone who was smart, decent and had a good job that I shut my eyes to the prospect that sex with Trader would’ve been boring.

I thought boring was acceptable.

Why not?

You got something better in return, right?

At least, in paper, you got a nice guy who can be a good husband and father.

WRONG.

Why do we always date/marry guys who look good to others? Often ignoring what would look good to us? If I married Trader, I already know that I would settle for a guy who couldn’t really make my blood boil. And he will always wonder why he couldn’t properly satisfy me.

And yes, it would’ve been terrible.

So guys/gals, please, think carefully before really getting into a committed relationship with someone you are not sexually compatible with. Please think carefully before putting a ring on it.

Sex is very important.

If you are not compatible sexually, don’t delude yourself in thinking it can get better. Thousands of pesos and a gazillion counseling sessions can only help too far.

Hope this helps. Feel free to agree/disagree in comments below. Good luck!