No Contact is Tough

For someone I’ve been talking to in a daily basis for 2.5 years, just going cold turkey is kinda tough. You for moments wonder what’s going on with them. Luckily, I haven’t stopped living my life after I got into the relationship so it’s not as bad as it could’ve been if we spent all our waking times together.

Still, I think about this quote: “Love is like a bird. Squeeze them too tight and they die. If you love them, let them go. And if they come back, they’re really yours in the first place.”

It’s clear to say that the ball is NOT in my court.

If I email or contact him, he might think I am needy and desperate who wants to get back to him again.

If I just want to say hello, he might think that I’m not giving him any space.

If I show I care, he might think I can’t get over him.

Post a breakup, love seems more like a game on who can get over the other faster. I hate it, but it’s the game we have all played in our lives.

So what I have been doing is this: I have been living my life to the fullest (scraping and trying to get out of the house on a daily basis), surrounding myself with wonderful friends (so I don’t have bad thoughts in my head), rethinking my life and what to do for the future and just staying tough.

And when I say tough, that means I’m trying to be more accepting of my circumstance. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or get hurt. In fact, I cry in an almost every other day basis. The emotion just rises up to me and I can’t help but sob uncontrollably, usually in the morning when I wake up. I’ve done this three times now.

It doesn’t mean I get hurt. Everytime I think of my failed relationship, I ask myself, “Was it be? Could’ve I done better? I regret.”

I talk to myself when I go out, when traveling home, when I am alone. I am careful not to demean myself too much because it’s not healthy for me. When I think dangerous thoughts, I try to push them away and tell myself, “This WILL get better.”

So tough for me is not that I don’t need anyone, that I can be alone, that I like where I am at the moment.

Tough is staying strong even if the world is crumbling into bits. To be hurt, but stay in control. To love even when you don’t receive it back. To give others comfort even at times, it’s you who need it the most.

I’m trying to stay tough at the moment. Even if it means no more nasty hair changes like I did yesterday. Going forward, no more permanent changes I’d regret. Aaargh, I miss my long straight beautiful hair. 🙂

Anyway, it’s tough.

People said that it’s just about time. Time heals all wounds. But how come time takes so long to come? Why does it allow me to suffer? Can they not have some pity?

Yes, I am tough. But it’s tough to rid yourself of someone who is an integral part of you. It’s like taking off a bandaid fast. It hurts, and it hurts a lot.

Again, please please pray for me that this gets better.

I know I can do it, but it does make it easier that you guys are very supportive regardless on what happens. I love you!

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