I feel terribly sorry for The Nice Guy.
Really I do.
There they are, pining for their women of their dreams as the latter get swept away by wild bad boys who will inevitably break their hearts into teeny-tiny pieces.
The Nice Guys would open the doors for women. Mr. Bad Boy would just trudging forward without a backward look and impatiently yell, “Can you hurry up?! We’re already late!”
The Nice Guys offer to carry her handbug — a definite no-no for Mr. Bad Boy… so gay!
The Nice Guy pay for her meals no matter how ridiculously expensive they are. Mr. Bad Boy goes dutch, but if you insist… then YOU can pay.
The Nice Guys basically give and give and give without asking for anything in return, in contrast with Mr. Bad Boy who just takes and takes and takes and takes even more.
And yet, despite their best efforts, The Nice Guys sadly look at the back of a woman as she drives away on the back of Mr. Bad Boy’s motorcycle.
“Don’t be so pathetic,” his friends said as they see another nice woman being corrupted by Mr. Bad Boy. “Have some pride.”
Meanwhile, The Nice Guy sobs inside, trying not to expose just how vulnerable he feels.
“Maybe it’s not fate,” he replied. “Maybe there’s another girl waiting for me. One that won’t be dazzled by Mr. Bad Boy who’s just out for a conquest and don’t really care too much about her.”
His friends shake their head in disagreement. And can you blame them for feeling sorry for him?
Everybody knows that at the end of the day, The Nice Guy loses, while Mr. Bad Boy wins — unless Mr. Nice Guy becomes Mr. Bad Boy himself.
So back to my point, I feel really sorry for The Nice Guy.
And the past few weeks, The Nice Guy had come knocking on my heart’s door, patiently asking whether he can come in.
To be honest, I wonder for one, what Mr. Nice Guy sees with me. Here I am just a normal, opinionated woman who thinks mighty too much. He should know about my past and my choices of bad men.
However, Mr. Nice Guy makes me feel safe. I feel no sense of fear with Mr. Nice Guy.
I am unafraid that he’ll run away and take with it my heart. Likewise, what about excitement?
There is indeed that unfairness of it all — when I see him, I see him as Mr. Nice Guy, and nice men you don’t really feel as if you’d like to rip his clothes off as you would with Mr. Bad Boy.
Nonetheless, when I met Mr. Nice Guy last weekend, it was downright pleasant till the very end.
Like any Nice Guy would, he picked me up from the airport and helped me check in the hotel. Afterwards, we went to a nice dinner because that was just the type of food that I enjoyed. Later after we stuffed ourselves with some delicious well-done steak and passionfruit souffle, we strolled around the river side and talked and talked and talked.
Despite having other plans, Mr. Nice Guy chucked them to spend time with me.
We went to around tourist traps and he was so gentlemanly that it would make your eyes weep if you saw, just because it’s been awhile since anybody had ever treated a girl that way.
While watching the sunset, we talked about the past, the present and my own jadedness about the future.
Given just how many successful, confident, selfish jerks I’ve been with over the last few dating years, it’s amazing just how cynical I’ve become on relationships. For example, here were some blips of my conversation with him:
“Love at first sight?” I scoffed. “Ha! That’s just lust at first sight. Of course, guys just want to sleep with you.”
His answer: (surprised) “Haaaaa…?”
“That’s how men are — they see you, want you, chase you down, get you and then lose interest and dump you. Wash, rinse, repeat.”
His answer: Silence then, “Not all men are like that.”
“All guys are just nice in the beginning but they can’t sustain it.”
His answer: “That’s the reason why before you chase after a woman, you have to think hard and long on what you can sustain. So that she won’t have false expectations and you can keep on pampering her till the end.”
“I don’t get it — how can a guy simply stick with one girl for years and years?
His answer: “Because there’s nothing better than seeing someone you love change through the years. There’s just something very intimate and interesting about someone who changes… and you can change with her.”
So sue me if you’re right there reading the above and shaking your head on his unbelievable patience in putting up with my cynicism and practicalness.
Sadly, after you’ve been dating for awhile and getting hurt repeatedly, you somehow create a suit of armor around yourself that toughens through time.
If it’s any consolation though, despite my best defensive moves, Mr. Nice Guy is starting to chink away on my armor.
Can I believe him? Guys usually say nice things in the beginning.
Slowly, gradually and yet little by little though, a part of me is starting to believe him.
That sometimes, guys like you just because you’re you and for no other reason whatsoever.
That not all guys like to sleep with you and dump you after they’re over.
That he actually cares and listens on what you’d like to say. And remembers it.
That he would actually just want to get to know you, and not just your body.
That men aren’t all pigs. Some are just the Nice Ones that women don’t really pay too much attention to because we’re dazzled by the glitter of the Bad Boys.
That I would be crazy not to pick him, because maybe just maybe, he’d have the ability to make me happy.
Thickening the plot, I also met Mr. Bad Boy that same weekend.
In comes my ex- who unfortunately, I had to meet given that we’re both attending the same function.
It’s been over five months since we saw each other last, and yet, when I spotted him across the other table, my heart thumped faster. If the lights weren’t down that low, everybody could easily see me blush. Uh-huh, that physical connection was still there.
Do you know Rihanna’s song, Rehab? The effect was the same for me as it was for her.
My god, the chemistry was still obviously so there.
Though we had to wait till almost everyone was gone, he still got the flirt on as we’ve always been in the past. This was just the the type of dynamics that we both shared, and enjoyed and unfortunately, couldn’t really continue… as it was detrimental to both of us, for my sanity especially.
Then on our way out, he quickly whispered, “Can I see you tonight?”
Two words: Booty call.
Or maybe he’d just like to talk? 🙁
Cut the bullshit Bonita.
It’s a booty call.
“No,” I whispered back as I looked sincerely in his face and slinked away.
Then I left with another friend where we partied ourselves in Clarke Quay and Zouk. There was a terrific Filipino live band and we were rocking.
Afterwards, I went home alone, broke down and cried angry tears.
They were tears of mournings, of silent goodbyes, of many disappointments.
Yes, the goodbye was painful, but at least I did it with as much grace and pride as I can muster. If I didn’t say no,what else can stops us from restarting this unhealthy cycle again?
Most importantly, I said no because of Mr. Nice Guy’s plight.
There is no way that Mr. Nice Guy can bare his heart to me, pamper me to death and try his damnest to make me smile again — only to find me rushing to the arms of Mr. Bad Boy.
That would just be such an injustice to the world.
That would’ve been oh-so-wrong.
In fairness of Mr. Nice Guy’s everywhere, my no was to signify that not all girls blindly choose bad men even though we know that we’re just going to get hurt. It doesn’t really mean that we were not attracted to the bad men as they can be so devastatingly attractive. That wouldn’t really change.
However, saying no meant giving Mr. Nice Guy a chance.
A chance to see if he will hurt you the same way as Mr. Bad Boy did.
A chance to observe whether all guys want is your body but not your soul.
A chance to see if there are some guys who actually aren’t pigs.
A chance for new beginnings and making your own story with someone you can call your own, instead of riding of another dysfunctional relationship and waiting for it to be resolved.
A chance to make a Mr. Nice Guy happy — to convince him that he doesn’t need to get Mr. Bad Boy’s crumbs again. Because he doesn’t deserve that. Nothing but the entire package would be less than worthy.
A chance to make myself smile once again, care of a guy who truly madly and deeply cares for you.
Saying no meant giving myself a shot for happiness.
So women, let’s hear Mr. Nice Guy’s plight.
Maybe Nice Guys don’t necessarily have to always finish last?
Maybe sometimes, Mr. Nice Guys do actually get the girl.
Hope that I made the right decision. 🙂
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
P.S. If you’re still pining over an ex, read this. You’re welcome.
P.P.S. My good friend has this to say:
Thank you for the conversation last night. It is great to have a true friend to speak to. I was also thinking about our conversation and have a sugeestion if I may.
You are true lady and a bit of a gem any guy would be lucky to have you. Sometimes you however think too much. Perhaps for once, open yourself up to the possibility of someone who adores you – like you said don’t say no to someone trying to make you happy… and do something a bit spontaneous.
LCS wrapped up in a nice bowl of commitment sounds like a good meal to me. 🙂
Aaaaw shucks. Thanks S! 🙂
7 thoughts on “The Plight of the Nice Guy”
I’ve once read about the idea that “nice guys finish last” (it was on the internet so don’t take it too seriously ;)) an one particular line got my attention.
“When you wonder why the ‘woman you like wants to be with a jerk’, please remember: women are kind of walking around oblivious.
‘Bad guys’ get more attention because they are more assertive, regardless of other qualities. But anyone can be assertive. There is a balance between the two that you can find, where you are still a nice guy and do not finish last.”
Just as a disclaimer, I think that paragraph applies to men just as well.
Would you have felt better if, instead of answering that third question very seriously like he did, he teased you about having such a cynical opinion? 🙂
You’re right DS. I think there’s something very very sexy from a guy — Nice or Bad — who knows exactly what he wants and cannot be deterred. 🙂
Despite my cynicism and trying to fend him away, Mr. Nice Guy seems to still say, “I don’t care whether you still keep on running away. I know you’re afraid that all men are out to hurt you, but I’m different. I’ll prove to you that there’s still some decent men out there and I’m not here to hurt you.” So you’re right. It’s this assertiveness that is quite attractive, and am glad that some decent guys are able to get the balance right.
But am jumping the gun. I’m unsure if he’ll continue being there, but we’ll see. It’s that beauty of unknowing that make beginnings beautiful. 🙂
If he teased me about having a cynical opinion, I would’ve not been as receptive. I think it’s nice when a guy puts his heart out there and not come back to me with a teasing line when he’s actually being serious.
actually, i stumbed across your blog and started it passing around my female friends. you have a great head on your shoulders. you are just falling into that rut of asian guys. They are either party hard all the time jumping from girl to girl week to week or stay home,work hard, play video games.
you are actually missing one guy. I am that bad boy who plays hard and enjoys life, but at the same time im a committed guy. when im in im in 100%. same with a bunch of my guy friends. this is our group. we drink, we club, we snowboard, we play hard, we shoot hoops, we down beer and whiskey on friday and saturday and are bankers, doctors, businessmen mon-thurs. when we are single we are single, when we are attached, we are attached. no middle ground on those things.
that being said, i have a thick armor plate as well. for you to get past it, it takes like 3-6 months. i pursue but to see anything worthwhile, i have to drop my guard to let you in, and i you dont make the cut, you just dont get in.
i will say this the worst thing about me, is that i non chalantly show a girl around to friends and family like its no big deal. in my head, i want all their opinions cause they are the people who have been there for me for 10+ years. if i cant get a greenlight from most of them, she doesnt stand a chance. but since she has most of my friends and family, it is very misleading and its not my intention but it is what happens.
And btw, trader’s biggest problem is that as nice as he is, he has no balls. if he likes you he needs to just go for you, if he is rejected, that is part of life. is he willing to accepted a rejected advance and still maintain a friendship? if he cant maybe he his nice guy facade is still a facade. If he wont stand up for something he says so deeply cares about, what would he step up for? what about his career when someone else steps on him? what about his family when they need him to make big steps or when his wife needs some serious support?
I vote for the nice guy, cause your heart is the safest, but in the end, is life without any risk worth living?
Thanks AC for that sweet note. Glad to see that other women can also empathize with my experiences and discover they’re not alone. Like me, they also fall for the wrong guys and despite best intentions, manage to get their heart broken after every euphoria of new beginnings end.
Am glad that guys like you exist. You have the right balance of being able to be fun and being serious when the occasion asks for it. Your girlfriend must be a very lucky woman. How did you find her amidst all the average women vying for your attention? She must be a star.
Agree with the friends + family comment. Have the same request from mine.
Regarding Trader and his lack of balls, well, he’s pursuing isn’t he? If that’s not balls, don’t know what is. It’s still an ongoing process though. Sure, he doesn’t make my heart race as much as my ex did, but if we scale an 8 in compatibility and 7 in attraction, that’s still way better than a 10 in attraction and a 3 in compatibility.
Or maybe am just getting old… 😛
My girl, yeah she is unique. she makes me smile, we fit each other and complement each other’s short comings. she loves what she does. ( she is a pilot btw) i travel in and out of taiwan a lot for work so we actually see each other more, even though we both are constantly moving around the world, then any of my past relationships. i think it also works because im pretty confident in myself and understand limitations of relationships. i dont keep her from her friends or her x’s. if she can maintain friendships, i encourage it. ive had my heart broken before and i know that no matter what you, if it is going to happen, it will happen. no matter the energy or careful watching over, it is unpreventable. so in that respect, i advise full trust without any hidden meddeling. (this is the difficult part) if you are meant to be, it will be fine.
the thing about guys who cheat and sleep around. im not against sleeping around, its part of growing up for some people or seeing teh world, so that when you land there are no regrets.
it is the unfaithfulness and the indecisiveness i dont agree with. if you are going to cheat, then have the balls to break up with whoever you are with, if you cant do that then you are pathetic. ive never cheated because i was cheated on pretty early on. that being said, i have been able to at least be amicable with my x’s. they are definitely not happy about it when it happens, but at least they can look me in the eye when they move on and not want to chop off my head. ( so i hope)
BTW, YOU ARE SO NOT OLD. my bday is the 15th (same age) i refuse to concede to being OLD. my gf and my approach to relationships is to have my heart race, if it doesnt do that at first, there is nothing there later on. it will just be a shell. Compatibility takes time. like i said, i didnt figure i was really into my gf for the first 4months. she was about to give up on me when i started letting her in. now i cant go a day without hearing from her or seeing her. we are so disgusting, we make ourselves nauceous.
so the question to you is, are you settling for uncomplicated or is he making you happy?
My uncomplicated Trader is making me happy. Why?
Because I know where he is at night.
Because he does a lot of things to make me smile.
Because he loves me, makeup-less, tantrum-ful, and all.
And I love him more every day. 🙂