The Slow Disappear

I think I’m too rational for my own good — too logical, even-minded and fair.

I had previously mentioned that men like drama. Sure, they get all pissed off and claim that their girl is psycho, but soon enough, you see them running after her once again as if she’s a crack addiction they just can’t get rid off. She cries and whines and throws plates, and yet they can’t seem to get rid of her.

Maybe our life is so boring that we cling to whatever drama we can get. At least, life can be interesting even though it’s an emotional roller coaster ride.

Unfortunately, I am not this type of woman.

On the last two relationships, I have never fought with my ex-boyfriends. Everything was amicable, even the split itself. And though there were obviously some disagreements, everything was settled in a calm discussion. If I felt bad about something, I would take him aside in private and tell him, “Hon, what you did awhile ago? I didn’t feel comfortable when that happened and I’d really appreciate if you won’t do it again.”

No tears, no drama, no fuss.

And yet, I cannot find myself hanging on to a guy. 🙁

Guys always tell me that they’re looking for an independent woman who keeps her head. If that is the case, why do my guy friends go after useless women whose main hobby is to shop and be a you qian de tai tai (rich matron)? Why do they go for spicey women who dress like whores and have no concrete purpose in life?

Talk is cheap. Watch how they act.

My issue is, I sadly cannot find someone who can stick around. Like the guy I’m currently seeing, after the initial burst of passion where they pursue you like crazy, once they get you, they lose interest. They remind me of cats chasing after a piece of string. I hate being that piece of string. 🙁

If you know me, you may seem to understand why I keep on getting myself to these types of situations.

My close friends describe me as a “strong-willed career woman.” Jeez, career women earn loads of dough while I’m just a lousy assistant in a huge financial organization. But the packaging is that.

And usually, strong opinionated women attract the same type of men — uber confident guys who like the challenge. Who like attitude. Who love it when girls fight back and put them in their place.

I don’t operate that way.

I fight for my rights but in an understanding way. I dress sexily at times but I’m a prude. I put people in their place, but only at work. Personally, I think even though you’re telling a person that he or she is out of place, as much as you can, do it calmly and with respect. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

So I’m a paradox. Great. The packaging fools a lot of men too which is why often, a pattern takes place — relationships start with a bang, and then go on a slow disappear. Admittedly, it’s depressing.

Nonetheless, I keep my head up high.

In the end, it’s survival to the fittest. Those who are worthy stay while those who aren’t get filtered away in time. The guy I am dating right now will not likely be the guy I date in a year’s time. Either he says something about it, or I would, or heck, maybe we’d just drift apart, but guys who don’t contact you for awhile aren’t really worth my time.

These days, I think about this especially in the evenings when I am alone. Why do I stay? Why don’t I just shoot him an email or SMS telling him that I give up?

What I ask isn’t too much — I realize that I’m a woman who can be understanding of work or current obligations. By dating this man, I have understood the consequences of my actions and was willing to take that risk. In the beginning, he asked me if I could accept what he can give, and sure enough, I liked him enough to settle for what I can get.

However, what I cannot take is the lack of affection and attention from his part.

Yes, I know that there are things that you cannot change, and when you date a man, you also accept him and all his baggage. But seriously, what he is giving me is not baggage. What he is giving me is a lot of talk and thin air.

DragonStalker, your comment made me sad and angry. Yes, it is indeed unfair but these things happen. Life goes on. Sometimes, we choose the wrong people and we must go through the motions of dating them and then ending that phase of life.

But as I am not an illogical woman, I would just let it go.

No, I will not call him or SMS him. That has never been the way I operated.

But I myself will also make the slow disappear.

Why is there the need to have The Talk? If the guy is not making an effort, isn’t that answer enough? Why do some women prefer to hurt themselves even more by asking questions that they already know the answers to? Closure, if that is the cost, is not worth it.

Hence, I will slowly but surely place myself in single mode again. Though I do not need to talk to him about this, I will however, gradually convince myself that he is not the one for me and start distancing myself away from him. In time, it’ll get better.

It always does.

As for my Christmas day, the answer is no, he hasn’t contacted me even to greet me a very merry christmas. Ouch, I know. However, I spent a leisurely day in the office working on a presentation for my department’s plans for 2009. Usually, I don’t have the time to do that given that people are bothering me all the time. But now, I can do that in peace and quiet and made quite good progress.

At the same time, also met three lovely colleagues who were kind enough to share with me their Christmas lunch. One guy Charles took pity on little ol’ me and invited me to have dinner with his Taiwanese friends who are here on holidays. So in the end, I didn’t really spend Christmas day all alone.

Thank God for small blessings! 🙂

So things are looking up. As you can see, Hong Kong for me is work in progress but it brings me pleasure just to share my experience here with you. I wish there were more positive news to share, but these will come hopefully in time.

Till then, we can only hope and look forward — wistfully from our pasts and courageously towards the future.

Merry Christmas everyone!

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