My Fears – as written to letters to my mom

Mom: “I don’t see any logic on why he just dumped you and didn’t call because he cares for you. In fact, it should be the opposite. You are alone in London. If he cares, he should at least call.”

Bonita: “Logic: He doesn’t love me enough to marry me anymore?”

Mom: “Wrong. He is not ready to take responsibilities. He chickened out.”

Bonita: “You are right. Is that common with men?”

Mom: “At least you finally agreed with something I said about your stupid Trader.”

Bonita: “I’ve always agreed with you mom. Never disagreed anyway. I knew what Trader’s weaknesses are – we were together for 2.5 years. However, I chose to accept his weaknesses because he is a good man and treats me right. I settled because I want a good guy to marry to and raise children with. Trader would have been a wonderful father, and a decent husband.

I didn’t think that ours would’ve been a meeting of minds. I think that’s difficult to achieve with any guy. I don’t really know who will be equal to me – who would be excited about life, want to make the most out of life, be somebody and help the community. I don’t know if I can find that equal for me, and with Trader gone, the more I am afraid that I would be alone. If patient Trader cannot love me, then who else could?

Then again, I need to have hope. Everyone is telling me that I deserve better. Everyone thinks the world of me. But where is that someone else better?

The fact that he isn’t beside me at the moment doesn’t make the miserable and sad feeling go away. What’s worse, my age for the Philippines (though not in HK or Taiwan) is considered to be old. Even Trader reminds me of my age all the time, as if to rub salt to the wound.

Should I be worried?

I think I am doing well, and am sure my life would be terrific. Dad and you raised me to be a capable independent woman with a good heart and values, and I know I will be okay. But I don’t want to be alone like my sister. Miserable and bitter. I do in the end want a family. I think that would be really nice. This is why I am sad.”

Yes, despite my being tough and strong, I fear of being alone. It’s not the natural me. I want to love and be loved. To raise wonderful children.

But given how far I’ve become from the norm, could I really find that special guy who can accept me for who I am?

*Starts crying*

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