I think I may be counter-dependent according to this article. We quote:
The Weinholds lay out some distinctive counter-dependent traits in their book, such as having trouble getting close to people and difficulty sustaining intimacy in romantic relationships. Other characteristics include:
- Having limited ability to feel emotions in regards to romantic relationships (such as justified anger or sadness)
- Having a tendency to say no to new ideas from your partner
- Feeling anxiety while forming close relationships
- A need for perfection
- Being afraid of letting others control you
- Being consumed by the needs of your partner
- Refusing to ask for help
- Becoming easily bored
- Needing to constantly seek out new thrills
- Having a tendency to work long hours during the week and on weekends
“In our culture, counter-dependency is actually rewarded,” says Janae. “If you’re a person who has so much trouble with intimacy you’re willing to work 60 or 70 hours a week and are willing to be on the road traveling, it’s like ‘oh, that’s a good employee.’ It’s a socially accepted thing to be successful and that’s part of the trademark of the counter-dependent person. They are more successful ‘out in the world’ but not so successful at intimacy.”
I spent the evening last night crying.
Why?
Because I didn’t want to be changed by Trader from being a contemporary career woman to a dull housewife.
Because I didn’t want to live with the in-laws after I get married in fear that they’ll control me, my life, my children and everything else.
Because I didn’t feel that my twice a year vacations are that easy to give up. And so are unnecessary purchases as Prada bags and whatnots.
Because I didn’t know whether being with one person for the rest of your life is anything to be joyful about. What about other cute guys that may come your way who are much more compatible for you?
Because I don’t want to be limited in my career or personal growth just because I’m having offsprings.
Because I didn’t want to give up my freedom and independence. My identity. On who I am.
Because I am really afraid to let go in love. Because I feel people are selfish and Trader is with me for selfish reasons, and he’s molding me to his ideal woman, a result of which I didn’t like.
Because I am an emotional wretch who get mad at the littlest reasons.
Because I don’t think that I’m the woman for him. There are so many other docile, willing lovely creatures out there dying to get married and dying to start a legacy, and quit their jobs while they’re at it.
I am afraid and panicky of commitment.
I remember my conversation with Trader one day about the rest of our lives. I told him, “So you know, if we get married, I’ll be sacrificing a lot.”
“Why is that?” he asked.
“Well, that means you can only sleep with one same person for the rest of your life going forward,” I answered.
“Wait, isn’t that MY line?” he replied.
I would love to be happy, but not at the cost of what’s important to me. If I am to change who I am, will I still be happy?
We shall see. A lot of questions need to be answered.
The most important one is, Is Trader really the guy who can heal my counter dependency?
Hi there,
Stumbled across your blog and after reading this post I also believe I may be counterdependent. Many of the feelings you described I also felt while in my most recent failed relationship. I am definitely afraid of both intimacy and committment. You are not alone in your feelings.
B.
Oh no, have you recovered btw from your fear? How are you coping with that?
Also, in regards to the question you pose at the end of the blog (“Is Trader really…). The answer is no. Nor is any other person capable of doing so.
I think a lot of counter dependent people make this mistake (I know I have). They get into relationships and expect their partner to make them change or “save them” from these feelings they’re having. But the truth is that only you can change, no one can help you nor should they bear the responsibility of having to.
Hmmm… we change because on how people around us react. If for example we know that our partners blow up on a trigger puller, we do that thing less. In a way, it’s like training. I am changing Trader as he is also changing me. And I’ve changed quite a bit when with him… though don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.
I just read your post. I too have recently ended a relationship for many of the same reasons. Reading some articles and excerpts from “Flight from Intimacy” struck me. The end of the relationship hurt me so much. I blamed everything on my girlfriend. Poor behavior, compatibility, neediness were some of my complaints. I don’t know where healing begins but it doesn’t begin by leaving. It only makes it worst. It made it clear that it’s me not the other person. Isolating yourself will only feed in to the counter dependent tendency
I think people place too much faith in one person that when a relationship ends, they realize that they don’t have the base to proceed forward. During the relationship, they forgot their friends, families, life direction, etc. I think it’s good to keep that balance once again, and soemtimes, an ended relationship can be the start of that. 🙂
Good luck and take care!