I’ve noticed that my blog delves in the topics of men, friendships, relationships, work and other stuff that pop into mind now and then. However, I’ve never really talked about the taboo topic of sex.
*feels some readers cringing*
I feel no such shame in saying the word sex, other than what a doctor feels when he sees a woman’s breasts. Though you may wince as you read the word sex again (as you will when somebody says vagina), the fact is, sex is a natural and beautiful thing, and happens every second, every minute of every day somewhere in the world whether you like it or not.
Now that we’ve removed the prudes out of our way, let me open up a bit about the topic.
First, a lot of Taiwanese are not as conservative as most people think. I’m thinking maybe it’s just the crowd I hang out with, but the fact is, the last virgin I’ve met in Taipei was around two years ago.
She was 32, and still a virgin.
Wait, don’t applause her because she’s kept her innocence intact when actually, the reason why she’s still a virgin is because in her 32 years, she has never had a boyfriend.
A year after I met her, she had her first boyfriend.
And poof, she’s no longer a virgin.
Now before you take out your rotten eggs and tomatoes to throw at me, do note that I am not saying that Taiwanese in general are nymphomaniacs and sexually active. I am not implying that.
However, I do believe that one should not judge a book by its cover — how a person dresses or acts does not guarantee if he/she is sexually active. I’ve met some of the shyest women and their boyfriend says that it’s all an act. And I’ve met some of the most easy-going and adventurous women that you’ll ever meet, and they’re waiting to give it up only till marriage.
Nonetheless, sex complicates a lot of relationships.
For example, it is in Taiwan that I came across the term gray zone. Call it what you may, but the gray zone is a complicated phase in a relationship.
My friend calls it Friends with Benefits.
Carrie from the popular series Sexy and the City introduced the concept as FUBU (F*ck Buddy).
I call it Friends-Plus (Friends+).
It’s when two people are sleeping with each other or doing things only girlfriends/boyfriends (or if you want, married people), without the relationship or commitment.
Sadly, a lot of my guy friends wish to have this sort of relationship — you get to drink the milk for free, without buying the cow. “It’s the ultimate paradise, Raven!” exclaimed my friend.
Men do it because sometimes it’s a primeval need. As I’ve heard, doing it yourself is no substitute for the real thing.
Women do it based on their feeling. When I ask my girlfriend why she had a one-night stand, she merely shrugged it off saying, “Well, there was the feeling and I just went along with it.”
Others, usually women, think it’s the best way to start a relationship. As one says, women have sex to get closer to a man, while a man has sex to get closer to a woman. My best friend DC has another opinion, “All my life, I’ve only met two hookups who turned out to be a more serious relationship. It’s more of an exception to the rule, not the norm.”
“Usually, it happens when the sex is so f*cking amazing, the guy comes back for seconds,” he stated in a very matter-of-fact way. “However, it’s so hard to get past through the carnal need and want to get to know somebody. Won’t really bother la.”
It’s a pattern I see over and over among my friends, both men and women.
Guy meets girl and is attracted to her.
Asks her out for a date.
One thing led to the other and they sleep together, too soon. Once they’ve already slept together, it’s hard to turn the clock back.
Guy thinks, “Great! Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”
Some women will start becoming attached and start treating the man like a boyfriend and expect something in return.
Women thinks, “It’s assumed that we’re boyfriend and girlfriend if we’re sleeping together.”
Guy thinks, “Ooh, she’s just this girl I’m kinda seeing. But I can still date around and find someone I really want.”
Most of my guy friends would not want to clarify the status of the relationship because heck, if he did, he’s official in one.
Meanwhile, the woman’s wondering what the deal is. Friends don’t kiss, hug or hold hands? So what are they? A booty call?
Now, I’m not saying that physical intimacies do not jump-start a relationship.
When two people are attracted to each other, it’s normal for them to show their affections. However, I’ve noticed that for a lot of my guy friends, physical intimacy does not guarantee a relationship. Though it is important in a relationship, sex does not equal a relationship.
Last night, I had dinner with another best friend of mine and he told me of the two women he was kinda seeing.
“What do you mean, kinda seeing?” I asked him. “So are you dating them or not?”
“Well, the first one,” he sheepishly admitted. “We’re already physically intimate in a way, but we haven’t really talked about it so she’s not really my girlfriend. As for the second, she has already told me that she likes me but we’ve yet to sleep with each other. But in time, we should… However, I just don’t see a future with them. But for now, they’ll do.”
Hello gray area. It seems to me based on my conversations with guy friends, if they don’t try to pin you down and make you theirs by asking you to be their girlfriend, they’re still in the hold-out for something better to come along. You’re their panakip butas (the one that plugs the hole) so to speak.
Take my friend Johan. He met this girl at a party, went out on three dates with her, and on the third date, asked her to be his girlfriend.
I asked him, “Why don’t you wait longer? You don’t really need her to be a girlfriend la. What makes this woman more special than any other fish in the sea?”
“Raven, I don’t know,” he retorted. “However, I do know that I want to make it official and make her mine. I don’t want her to date anybody else, nor would I.”
If a guy wants you all for himself, trust me, he won’t say that he’s not ready. He’d instead be wondering why you aren’t ready to promise yourself to him.
Usually, if a guy tells a girlfriend of mine, “I’m sorry, it’s not you–it’s me,” I immediately equate that as, “Sorry, you’re just not the One.”
Sure it hurts for me to write it, but better hear it from me and start moving on instead of seeing him hook up with another girl and get into a serious relationship with her, because the problem actually lies with your incompatibility with the guy.
Guys won’t usually dilly dally in the gray zone once they feel that you’re already the One for them. And I have enough of my girlfriends whining about guys whom they share Friends-Plus relationship with, and aren’t sure where the relationship is going.
From my observation, Friends-Plus relationships when long drawn out usually go nowhere.
It’s a Catch-22: girls tell guys that they actually just love the sex and aren’t really into the relationship. Though I may admit that this may be the case some of the time, more often than not, it’s just a farce and a few weeks or months of this delicate relationship, and the cracks start showing. The girls reveal what they really want, and BAM. Guys tell them that they’re not ready yet, and girls are heartbroken.
Here’s a secret too — guys will wait to get physically intimate with a woman if he feels that she is worth waiting for? Guys, if a girl you really really liked wanted to first get comfortable before being with you, won’t you wait till she does so?
Sure, you won’t like it, but because you care about her and don’t want to force yourself on her, of course, you’ll wait.
My friend, a full-blooded male, has been with a woman for three years and trust me when I say this but they have yet to sleep together because she has good Christian values and does not want to have sex before marriage. It frustrates him to no end and I ask him why he still stay, but still he does…
Anyway, what’s my message?
First, ladies in Friends-Plus relationships, wake up!
I know it’s difficult to be physically intimate with a guy, and not know where your relationship is going. But I would recommend you to read the book, “He’s just not that into you,” and know that if a guy isn’t really chasing you to be his girlfriend, then would you want that guy who ain’t too hot fo ryou in the first place?
If you are in the gray area, try to see if you can pry yourself out from it. I’ve seen multiple of my girlfriends stuck in the gray area zone, waking for the guy to wake up and find out that the Love of their Life has been right under their noses. However, most cases than not, this doesn’t happen and how can a guy respect you if you can’t even respect yourself?
It hurts me to see a woman waste too much of her time waiting for a guy to come around. My friend Annie gives me much grief. She says she cannot leave her hot-tempered boyfriend because she’s already 34, and she’s not sure yet if she’s a hot commodity among men who are into women in their mid-20s.
“Why settle for a guy who doesn’t treat you well and don’t think the world of you just because you’re afraid of being alone?” I honestly asked her. “Do you think you deserve more than this?”
Guys are simple creatures. I think that in many cases, they say what they mean and mean what they say. They’re nice in that sense. I’ve never really met a guy who was totally mean and be totally honest with a girl. Instead, they’d divert your attention elsewhere and hope that you get the messages they don’t really say.
If they say that they’re not ready for a relationship, don’t think that you’ll stay because they may change their mind in a few months. Once you wait for a few months and they still don’t change, then you kick yourself in the arse for wasting your time, and you find it more and more difficult to leave the guy because of the time and effort already invested!
Likewise, if a guy tells you that you’re a great girl and he really really cares for you, but makes no notion to make you exclusively his… believe it.
It’s the words that he doesn’t really say that count the most.
Words like, “You’re amazing and I want to make you mine. Will you be my girlfriend?”
If he’s not pushing you to make things official, or doesn’t assume that you’re already dating, well then girlie, think hard if you’d like to keep his company. If you do, don’t blame him for being a jerk and leading you on. And if you can’t take his dilly-dalling, be brave and walk away.
Cry, but trust me, life will be better afterwards because you deserve somebody who cares enough to make you his.
So how did we get here again? I started with sex, and now ended in relationships? Arrrgh, gotta stop diverting my topics and just get focused!
Anyway, just to end cause it’s really late, I have nothing against both parties. We’re adults now, adn every side can make a decision on their own.
However, just want to say that there is nothing wrong about sex, but if you are indeed sexually active, do note that for women, this has a tendency to f*ck our minds up and make us think that a guy is actually closer to us than we really think (blame it on the hormones).
For men however, nothing wrong with that as it’s a lifestyle choice. Just ensure that you’re well-protected and don’t ever think that getting a girl pregnant won’t happen to you. Things slip, accidents happen, babies get born and lives get ruined. If you’re not ready to be a dad, be safe. And if you’re asking a girl to sleep with you, just make it clear that it’s just sex if that’s what you want, and don’t try to lead the girl on.
And heck, if she doesn’t believe you, well then she’s an adult and you’re at peace.
Okay, am stopping my babbling now. Gotta sleep. My brother is still having a crisis so this may turn out into a long night.
Be good everyone, and hope everybody gets a good week ahead!
3 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex”
what are your thoughts on shared moments without sex and commitment?
read: cheating woman
I’ve done it–it’s intimate and it happens. You want to start something but are afraid to make the first move. He doesn’t do anything as well. Afraid of rejection perhaps? So you just bask in the experience.
Good to do, but hard to sustain. With intimacy, feelings develop. And it’s hard to keep such platonic relationship when you have feelings for the other or vice versa. Best to live in the present and enjoy it for all you can. 🙂
Btw, good writing. Enjoyed reading it!
absolutely spot on. keep up the good work.