It feels that I hear several voices in my head:
“It’s the 21st century. If you’re interested, call and ask him out! You’d never know till you try.”
“No—don’t call him. A guy who doesn’t have the balls to ask you out, is NOT worth your time.”
“At day end, if a guy doesn’t call, he’s just not that interested. Now, why waste your time pursuing a guy who’s not that into you, when you deserve so much better?”
“Why leave the ball to be at his park? There’s no harm in extending one last invitation and give it a chance. If he doesn’t reciprocate, then move on… but at least you’ve tried.”
Conflicting advice, urging me to do one or the other.
To call, or not to call—that is the perennial question.
My head and my heart have polarized opinions.
My head is ruled by wisdom passed by my upbringing. Personally, I’ve been raised with a more traditional viewpoint that if a guy likes you, he’ll cross oceans, climb mountains and even though he’s up his neck with work, he’ll find a way to be in contact.
I mean, how long does it take to send a single email, an SMS message, or a brief call just to ask you out?
When guys are interested, trust me, they’ll move mountains for you.
For example, I’ve had a guy do my laundry and deliver it back nicely dry and folded. He also prepared a surprise birthday party just because.
One guy walked the entire city with me despite the mosquito bites and heat.
Another helped me move.
One I talked to at a party and for some reason, I had to run out and leave. Two days later, I received his email. We didn’t exchange numbers, but he still found a way to track me down and ask you out.
I can go on and on, but the point is, it doesn’t take a few seconds for a guy to make contact — if he wants to.
Hence, if a guy’s not interested, why waste your time? There are other fishes in the sea…
Meanwhile, my heart says differently. There is no extent to what you’re willing to give IF you’re interested, and women are the same. Hence, I’ve also been at the other end of the stick where I’ve been too available, indirectly pursuing the guy because I was interested.
Easy come, easy go so they say, and things you don’t really fight for, you never really treasure.
I’ve learned the hard way that guys don’t appreciate too-aggressive women.
They’ll be nice and polite, but deep inside, they boast, “I’m DA MAN!” feeling proud of being attractive, instead of finding you attractive. Truth is, it’s not difficult for a guy to accept a date, unless you have a huge wart on your head, if you look pretty decent.
However, society’s double standard still dictates that a woman who comes on too strongly is cheap — If you were valuable, you’d have guys chasing after you, instead of the other way around.
I have made my moves before, to disastrous results.
Consequently, I’ve had my pride stomped to the ground and crushed to little bitty pieces.
I’ve been embarrassed and rejected.
I’ve been vulnerable.
I’ve overanalyzed whether the guy is really interested because he really finds me interesting, or because I’m a safe bet.
And it scared the shit out of me knowing that maybe, I’m his “Miss Right Now” instead of “Ms. Right.”
So though it’s okay for women to make the first move, it’s far safer to hold the notion of, “If he wants me, he can come and get me. Otherwise, he’s not worth my time.”
Hence, now that I’m older and wiser, I still wait for the guy to make that first move. Call me chicken, but waiting is the hardest thing to do when you know how easy it is to make that simple phone call just to ask him out. I am friendly and gregarious; trust me, it’s not that hard to call.
However, my self-respect cannot really accept being with someone who obviously doesn’t like me as much as I do them. I’ve been through that hurtful experience, and I don’t really care for a repeat performance especially since it’s true… women deserve men who act like men and at least, treasure you enough to pursue you. And if they’re not calling, well, there are other fishes in the sea.
Regardless, there is a compromise: I passively pursue men, if there’s such a thing.
For example, I don’t act like a bitch and pretend I’m not interested even if I am.
Instead, I show signs of interest.
For example, I will be very approachable and not be too hard to get.
Specifically, I make time for you.
Sure, I won’t really move my appointments around to accommodate you (because the truth is, you should’ve asked earlier). I will however, suggest alternative dates/times if I’m unavailable.
The way I communicate will be different — there is no way you’ll feel I’m putting you in the friend’s zone.
Most likely, I will not mention ex-boyfriends or men I’m currently interested in because that’s just rude. I will smile more, and actually be interested in what you’re saying because I want to get to know you better. My voice will be different, softer and more feminine.
I will provide opportunities for you to ask me out.
I will be touchier, allowing myself to be more comfortable being touched so long as it’s appropriate. If the mood is right, I may even allow me to be kissed, thinking it was your great idea (though I have already decided to kiss you before the date started). You may invade my personal space, though not too much.
If you’re too dense to realize my interest, heck, ask me out again. If I heem-and haw, I’m not that interested. But if I say yes, and find time for you, well, you have your answer then.
So who needs to make the first move?
I think it’s still definitely the guy… women in general are not cut out to asking men out. We overanalyze things, and society still dictates that men act like men, and women like women. Nonetheless, it’s always great for women to provide a helping hand.
To end, let me provide a real-life example:
I went out with a guy and had a great time. I wrote him an email stating I had a great time, and left it at that. Damn man, didn’t write back.
It was hard, because I was interested… and despite wanting to call so desperately, I held back and kept myself busy.
He wrote back finally. Maybe we’ll meet, maybe not?
Then again, there are other fishes in the sea…