Good morning everyone!!! 🙂

After a full day of worrying/bothering about what’s happened between my girlfriends and I, I’m releasing myself out from this ruckus.

I’ve come to terms that yes, I have changed (that’s basically agreed across the board anyway) and though I’m not sure I’ve changed for the better or worst, there’s really no use wasting time worrying about it.

Life’s too short to sit around thinking whether you’re a good person or not.

For one, I know for a fact that I’m not doing anything wrong, so there’s really nothing I should feel guilty about. And secondly, people change. We all grow up. And so, there’s really no benefit in constantly telling me that “the old Raven will do this,” or “the old Raven would do that.“

Geez.

Frankly, I don’t know what the old Raven would or wouldn’t do. Who knows? Every situation is a test, and one cannot really predict for sure in which way the scales would turn.

But I do know this — this Raven, the Raven RIGHT NOW, may not be perfect. But at least, she does the best she can.

And trying to make me feel guilty for looking out for myself — even without doing anything wrong — is just unfair.

As my close friend GT had said, “Feeling guilty is when you do really feel that you’ve did something wrong! People, on various times, are selfish. But you can be selfish and not guilty.”

Right on, GT!

To close the book to THAT chapter, I’d just like to reiterate that Mike and I have already made peace weeks ago. Two weeks after that debacle, I finally couldn’t stand the wait and gave him a call and we had a nice dinner and walk in the park afterwards.

So there.

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It’s funny.

Come to think of it, what bothers my girlfriends is not really what happened. I mean, sh*t happens all the time. Alarm clocks don’t work. You wake up too late… these things happen.

What bothered them was my reaction to the problem… that despite wronging Mike, I’ve still had the guts to go out and have a great time! Which meant, I was insincere with my apology and I wasn’t really sorry about what happened.

But hey, what’s wrong with having a great time? Why are they making me feel guilty about this?

I think people have this natural tendency to punish indulgence, or feeling good.

You’re pretty? Well, you have to tone down your prettiness and not show that you’re too vain…

You’re rich? You have to downplay your riches and maybe show your altruistic side by giving money to some charity…

If it feels good, it should be bad… you shouldn’t enjoy yourself too much.

Contrary to the Western mindset that if you have it, it’s okay to flaunt it, Asian society tends to ostracize those who don’t superficially downplay their talents/wealth/popularity/whatever.

The rule of the day seems to be: If you have it, hide it. Don’t parade it for others to be jealous of.

Okay, but don’t forget… Mike was the one who cancelled on our dinner appointment, not me. If he didn’t, I would’ve still met up with him and had dinner with him that day. But he cancelled.

So I had dinner with French guy, because we just finished wallclimbing and it was time to eat. And if I enjoyed myself in the process, does that make me bad?

So stop making me feel guilty.

Moving on…
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I think the main issue that my friends are all complaining about is that I’m just too darn busy.

Even my best guy friend from Manila has said the same thing. He said, “Reading your blog, it just seems that you’re everywhere and scattered in different directions! You’ve got to learn to focus, cut back on the activities and invest more emotionally to a few chosen friends/activities.”

Hmmm… I’ve thought about it…

Am I really too busy?

Words of wisdom, JD… just like the good ol’ days, eh? 😉

I talked to CS last Monday. Like me, he schedules his life too. His schedule is full till next week, just like me. I asked him if this was normal, because it seems most of my friends are more spontaneous and none of them have schedules as full as ours.

“Trust me, Raven,” CS said. “We’re normal. A lot of people schedule their life as well. That’s just cause there’s so much to do and life is just more orderly if you place them on a schedule.“

The disadvantage of a schedule is that it makes people feel dispensable. As Mark would complain, “The only time I see you outside (organization name) is when somebody cancels and you call me up!”

Hmmm… not true. If you really wanted to meet up with me, why not give me a call yourself and let’s set a time to meet? I’d be more than happy to spend time with you, and I only spend time with people worth my time.

I think schedule has its advantages. For one, my life is orderly and I know what’s happening throughout the week. In addition, I can allocate my time to people I care about and really focus on them when I see them. And thirdly, when I say I’ll meet up with you, you’re assured that I’m there, rain or shine. There’s no wishy-washiness running about.

Enough complaining that I’m too busy… 🙂

I’m not as busy as you think.

Nor do I don’t have time for you.

You just assume that cause I’m doing something everyday. This is normal. Whereas you may prefer going to the gym or going straight home and watch TV, I do things I love to do — which is, spending time doing things I like (e.g., wallclimbing, organizing fun activities, hitting golf balls) with people I care about or at least share interests with.

This makes me happy.

Sure, it may be different from what you’ll normally do. For example, I don’t really like spending time alone and start thinking where my life is going, because this activity bores me.

But that doesn’t mean that I have issues.

You make it sound that I do.

You make it sound that it’s a problem that I’m uncomfortable on being by myself, that I’d have to have people around me to operate.

Haha, blame it on the Libran side of me… we’re social beings.

WE LOVE BEING WITH PEOPLE!!!

And if that’s bad, well, I don’t know what’s good then.

I prefer being with people… when I go home, I’m alone and read a book and am happy about that. Nothing wrong with NOT going straight home and reading the book if I can get the best of both worlds!

I just like to do something and keep my mind occupied that’s all. My life, and my future will take care of itself… it always does.

The people I hang out with excites me as well.

In the past couple of days, I’ve met a few very interesting folks.

A few notable ones include this 29-year old French guy who works for a security hardware company, and is into Thai kickboxing, dirt motorbiking and wallclimbing.

Or this 31-year old Taiwanese who’s into hanggliding, kite-surfing, wallclimbing and surfing.

Or this pretty Taiwanese woman who went to Australia for a month and learned surfing there.

Again, THIS makes me happy.

So please don’t make me feel bad because I’m not like you and I don’t do things that make you happy.

Because I do know that though I’m not prenially happy, at least, I’m doing things I’m passionate about… that I’m not doing anything wrong… and that I’m enjoying myself.

As I’ve said, I’m not perfect. I’m not comfortable about myself all the time, and I’m constantly changing.

But darn it, overall, still not bad.

Respect me as I respect you, and please don’t give me any more hassles about how I live my life, because I do know that my life is truly blessed.