I feel as if a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders…
Now I know why Catholics like to go to confession.
You feel great afterwards.
Sure, it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve sinned, but confessing them provides relief, because you don’t have to carry a secret burden anymore.
What am I talking about?
I’ve finally told my boyfriend what I have not wanted him to know at first.
Admittedly, I was afraid that once he knew, he would look at me differently.
Once a cheat, always a cheat.
Plus, it doesn’t help that he broke off his long-term relationship since his girl cheated on him. I was sure he may judge me. I was afraid he was going to label me as a cheater, and that was that.
It sure was scary.
I didn’t really mean to say anything.
We were merely having a nice, comfortable dinner at Macaroni Grill (which is fast becoming our favorite restaurant) when I mentioned that there are secrets others don’t need to know.
This piqued his curiosity for there are really no secrets between us.
We tell each other almost everything. We say anything that pops into our minds at that moment.
I then mentioned about the Tom Cruise experience (Part I and Part II) and then stopped myself.
He then told me that if I was uncomfortable in telling him, it’s okay. He understands. I don’t have to tell him.
“Fine, then I won’t tell you then,” I said. “Some things are better left unsaid.”
Being super curious now, he asked and asked me to tell him…
He is a very curious man. My ex would’ve just said “Fine” and left it at that.
My ex would rather die ignorant, than to know the hard truth.
As for my current boyfriend, he does know that curiosity killed the cat. But he’d still rather know — than not know!
Afterwards, I told him the entire story about Mike (Tom Cruise-Mike, not my buddy Mike).
Long and short of it, I met TC three to four weeks before my anniversary (the day I broke up with my then-boyfriend). We didn’t do anything when we first met, but I adid give him my number. He asked me out twice before I went out with him once, and I was still very guilty about that. I never did see him again, but I do agree my encounter with him made me realize what I was missing — attention — and instigated my breakup from a dead-end relationship.
Mind you, I did not go out with TC to hook up with him. I knew he was leaving, and I wasn’t looking for the next guy to be in a relationship with.
I consciously went out with him because I didn’t want to have any regrets. Although my then-boyfriend and I were still technically together, we were not boyfriend and girlfriend in the truest sense.
For example, I was very much emotionally neglected.
Calls from him came once in a blue moon. We have agreed once every other week for him to save money, but sometimes, he forgot. The calls were so unreliable that I would sink into sadness every time he would “forget” to call. I would wait for them all weekend…
Emails were quite scarce.
I have requested at least, once-a-week emails… but there were some weeks that he didn’t even write. Imagine this, I would be all fine and dandy the whole week, but come Friday and no email from Michan (my ex), my heart would sink and I’d be sad instantly.
Yes, I know I was in a dead-end relationship, but like many women out there, I was stupidly in love and I thought I could make it work.
I didn’t really realize it takes two to make a healthy relationship work.
After hearing my secret, my boyfriend looked at me with kind eyes.
He knew how bad my previous relationship was, and couldn’t really believed at first how neglected I was… and he repeated again his stand:
I was very much emotionally-neglected in my previous relationship, and I was not at fault with my time with TC. I am human, and did what any human would do in an emotionally empty relationship. Technically, I may be in a relationship with my ex then… but realistically, it wasn’t a relationship. It was already over. It was over as soon my ex stopped trying to fight for the relationship.
He then said that when he’s in a relationship, he cannot not contact his girl in a regular basis.
The fact that my ex would call me once every other week — if he does even remember — showed that the relationship was already over. The fact that I’ve even lasted seven months being faithful to a guy who wasn’t even giving me anything I needed was already admirable.
He told me that in his previous decade-old relationship, he would call his girl everyday, regardless if he was in the US, in Hong Kong or wherever. He had to have contact with his girl. In a way, it has helped him keep faithful all those years of being in a long-distance relationship.
Then, he told me what in my heart already knows…
Real relationships always take two to tango.
If you’re in a relationship, both parties work hard to be with that person. Since you enjoy being with that person and want the relationship to work out, you do all you can necessary to talk to that person, see that person… and just spend quality time with that person.
Hearing his words, I almost wanted to cry…
He then said that in our relationship, he makes an effort to stay in contact with me almost every day. Be it by MSN, by phone, or face-to-face encounters, he does what it takes to make “us” work.
And that’s how a healthy, mature relationship should be.
The moment you repeatedly make the girl sad by conveniently “forgetting” to call or email, then, that’s not really a relationship.
So am I a cheater?
No, he doesn’t think so.
He doesn’t blame me.
I did it because I was severely neglected, and at the least, that experience made me end an already dead relationship. If that didn’t happen, there was a chance that
I would still be with my ex, and my life would have turned out very differently. By breaking it off, my life changed. The TC escapade made me who I am right now. And admittedly, I’m a happier person for it.
If I didn’t break up then, I would’ve stayed in a doomed relationship and waited for the guy we all know didn’t love me.
But since I did, I was able to devote my entire being to the organization I’m in right now…
I was able to emotionally open myself to possibilities of finding someone new, and start dating my current boyfriend…
I have finally opened myself to a future that doesn’t have to do with Japan…
Yes, life is indeed different…
Do I regret what I’ve done?
I admit, the answer is… no.
If I could do it all over again, frankly, I would still do the same thing.
I had my fun, and I had my memories… and realistically, the relationship was already over. We were just waiting for our anniversary so that we can say that we’ve lasted a year.
I know, that’s a stupid reason… but that’s the truth.
If I could do it differently, I’d still do the same thing. But maybe, I would’ve broken off with my ex first.
But past is past. My boyfriend doesn’t judge me for what I’ve done… then why should I be so hard to myself? What’s important now is to look into the future with hopeful eyes.
C’est La Vie!
2 thoughts on “Washing my dirty laundry…”
hmmm, interesting blog.
Algol, thanks for coming and visiting, and leaving a comment on some of the posts!