My friend asked me why it’s so hard to find a lasting relationship.
She is already 38 years old, and have just broken up with her Korean-American boyfriend of 9 months. They have had a long distance relationship.
Her ultimate dream is to be happily married.
I honestly saw doom and gloom in her relationship from February 2015. It was Valentine’s Day and she has yet to receive any hoopla from her significant other. No gifts sent over from abroad. No flowers ordered online. Not even a meager “Happy Valentine’s” message in Viber. And yes, they were exclusively dating at that time.
I remember her crying to me the evening before.
They’ve just had a fight, one of what will become a regularity. He has asked her for a break — note, not a breakup, but a break from her — because he felt pressured to keep the relationship given the challenges of being unhappy with his current job, his divorcing mother, and his balding scalp.
“When it’s a break,” I said, “It doesn’t spell good news for the relationship. Don’t you find it inconvenient when he tries to break with you on Valentine’s Day? What an asshole way to do so!”
Admittedly, I don’t like the guy. Never met him. Only heard stuff about him from my bestie, but from what I’ve heard, he sounds like a selfish bastard who’s most likely single at 44 years old for a reason.
His profile: The youngest and the only son born to a needy mother. Successful in his career and now works at Booz Consulting. Has experiences in the US and in Asia. Good in paper.
Stuff you don’t see: His selfishness and inability to handle pressure. He finds it difficult to continue a long-distance relationship. His insensitivity of breaking up with you at opportune times. For example, he broke up with Bestie the day before her birthday. See a pattern here?
I think most women remain single for a reason: They, for some reason or the other, seem to accept crap from ass-holic men. And then become a martyr and make excuses for them.
I am not like that. In fact, I often times can be more guarded and selfish in a relationship. For me, I like to mirror my relationships.
Meaning, I give whatever I take. And it has served me well. I don’t give too much nor do I give too little.
My bestie waited 9 months with a guy. She feels she don’t have enough time even though her relationship was stacked against her. For example:
- They were in a long-distance relationship. Statistics for any long distance relationship is not that great. It can work, but it takes a special relationship to do so. What’s worse, they operate in two timezones: she’s in Asia while he’s in the US. Good luck trying to find time to Skype and visit each other. Have a fight? Just turn your phone off. Good riddance!
- They are a multi-racial couple. He is still strongly Korean despite his American roots, and she is Taiwanese. Given my interactions with close Korean friends, they have whispered that many Korean parents still dream that their kids marry fellow Koreans. This is not weird and is the same as Chinese parents wanting their kids to marry Chinese. Taiwanese is NOT Korean.
Yes, it is very racist but the fact remains that in-laws usually give their foreign daughter-in-law a hard time if they don’t understand their husband’s language and culture. It’s not impossible, and multiple multi-racial couples show that it is possible, but it’s still a deterrent.
- He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get married. She is. That’s the problem when women hit a certain age. We cannot help but worry. Unfortunately, worrying is not sexy. Pressuring guys to marry us just because we are getting older is NOT sexy.
Boyfie is at the point of his life when he just moved back to the US, started a new job, and adjusting to a new life. Bestie just wants to be married soon. A man doesn’t need to get married. His sperm has no expiry date. Her uterus is another story. So it’s an issue when she tries to open up alarming conversations like, “Where is this relationship heading? Are you open to getting married?” when it’s not something he’s still thinking about at the moment.
- Admittedly, he hates conflict and doesn’t seem to handle conflict very well. When he is stressed, his hair falls off. He cannot sleep and avoids conflict. After every fight, he disappears a few days. Like completely disappears. A man who always disappears when things get hot is not really the type of guy you should dream of marrying. He might even leave you at the altar!
It’s a relationship that seems to be doomed from the start. And yet, she hopes. Then cries when it doesn’t work out.
“At least I gave it my best shot,” she said.
Well, time is wasted when you listen to your heart too much and not your head. 9 months to be exact…
I feel sad for my friend. I want to see her happily married. I hope she will meet the guy of her dreams. Her Prince Charming.
But it’s hard to be with Prince Charming if you keep your standards low and accept whoever comes your way just because he’s there.
Marriage is serious business, and can really enhance or destroy your life. Unfortunately, so many women are blinded by their dream to get married that they are willing to compromise for just a guy who’s willing to put a ring on it.
Getting married is easy. Staying married is not.
I am still very lucky to have found my husband. He’s not perfect, but he’s a lot more giving than bestie’s ex. He pampers for me and cares for me. He just doesn’t say that he loves me. He actually shows it.
I hope more women would open their eyes and not be blinded by the smoke just because they want to finally be with someone.
40 may be a long time to start settling with someone, but just imagine, if you live up to 80, you’re just at half of your life.
Good luck in finding the man of your dreams. May he really prove himself to be the man you are looking for!