When you have that gnawing feeling…

It’s a gnawing feeling. It burns deep inside.

You look at his/her eyes, and wonder to yourself, “Is he/she really the One for me? How come I am not sure?”

You ask your friend on how he’s so happy with his current significant other. You’ve never seen him so ecstatic before and you know it’s because of this girl. You ask him how he knew… that she is the One.

You just know, pare,” he smiles. “You just know.”

Well, you don’t know. Not with this boy/girl. You still wonder whether you’ve made the right decision and doubt still reigns in your mind.

You wonder why you’re just not feeling it. Isn’t this what you wanted? To be somewhat in a relationship with the Other?

However, you remember the day where you’ve actually felt it — that feeling of being hopelessly in love with someone — and yet, you know that this, for this particular person, this is not it. Sure, it’s nice of course. But at the same time, love isn’t supposed to just well, be nice.

It’s supposed to be fucking awesome.

But the thing is, your logical mind knows that there’s really nothing wrong with the other. He/she is decent looking, cares about you and treats you really well. Everybody who sees him/her know that he/she is a catch.

Then if he/she’s a catch, then how can you not feel it? Are you just settling for something less because he/she’s just too nice to break up with?

So you stay. For weeks, months, and heck, maybe even years.

And you’re goddarn miserable.

Two acquaintances of mine fell on this lovetrap. Before they met each other, each were bright stars in their own right.

One was from an exotic island, an infectous flirt and a Ladies Man. The other was from a more traditional background who prays 5 times a day. A very decent person in my honest opinion.

When they met, the girl liked the guy and given similarities in their culture, they started hanging out more and more. Of course, given his charms, the girl fell in love with the man, and given her naivete, squashed her pride and hung around him.

At first, he felt it was kinda amusing. However, given that she’s such a serious sweet girl, the guy over time developed protective feelings towards this woman.

But this was not love, but obligation. In the end, the guy was just too nice to leave her to rot and there’s really no reason to be or stay together aside from the fact that to cut her off and not lead her on would break her heart.

And there’s really nothing worse a guy wants to do than to break a sweet girl’s heart. She doesn’t deserve it, true. So he stays.

I look at them together and my heart cracks a bit.

Here’s a pseudo-couple who stay, but there’s obviously something missing.

The girl is miserable because she knows that the guy, despite him caring a bit for her, doesn’t really love her on how she needs to be lvoed. Who can blame her? How would you feel if you were in a relationship and know that the guy cannot love you as much as you love him?

The man is miserable because he wonders whether she’s the One. Because he asks, he already knows the answer. And it makes him miserable to know that everything is temporary and one day will come that he’ll be the bad guy and break her heart.

It’s a terrible place to be, I think.

The feeling gnaws at you, and it grows and consumes you. Nobody wants to be the bad guy but in time, you will be, and you’re just delaying the inevitable.

It’s in times like these that I count myself very very lucky.

I am with Trader not because of any obligation or me feeling any sort of pity for me. I am with him because he loves me and makes it his goal to make me happy, and I’m more than happy to return the favor.

The funny thing is, Trader thinks I’m the One.

Bonita, not that am jumping the gun, but that’s it, you’re the last stop,” he said before. His heart is sure, and him being sure makes my feelings secure enough to grow and cultivate. There’s no second guessing or any sort of that bullshit. In his mind, I’m It and he’ll do everything he can to ensure it stays that way.

Do I think Trader is the One?

I am not like him who is oh so certain. From Day 1, he’s already invested in the relationship all in. He’s playing for keeps. Because in his heart, he believes truly that I’m the One.

However, I had gone from liking and respecting him, to loving him. He is indeed a person I treasure and find myself very lucky on how the hell he’s managed to get me again after all these years.

This is what love is, I guess.

Two people deciding to be with each other, for no other reason than wala lang (no reason at all). It’s a conscious decision not to settle for nothing less than a 100% all-in relationship, and to keep on waiting if you’ve not yet found the One.

I am not advocating the concept of the One, don’t get me wrong.

But seriously, if you have that gnawing feeling, don’t you think it’s about time to let go? Do you think that you yourself deserve to be stuck in a quasi-relationship just for the hell of being in one?

If you’re no longer feeling good about yourself and the relationship itself is slowly yet surely destroying you, there is no shame in waving the white flag and packing your bags to leave.

I didn’t settle.

I left my ex because he wasn’t giving me what I needed. He had that gnawing feeling, and in many ways, so did I. I knew from the beginning that it was an unsustainable relationship, and yet I still leaped. I had hope.

But who am I fooling?

It ended as I’ve expected it and nobody’s a fool more than me.

But past is past. Onwards to the future.

Please don’t settle. Choose to love, and to give yourself fully.

Life is too short to be miserable — both for you and the other.

Have a great week ahead!

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