Convoluted ramblings

To be honest, it’s not really hard for me to meet men. They’re all over, and most will be happy to play.

For example, last weekend, I attended a dinner where I met three eligible bachelors from different parts of the world. They were all equally interesting in their own ways and I’ve kept in touch with two of them (hey, two out of three ain’t so bad) till this week. I think out of the two, one will be another good guy friend of mine.

However, at this stage, I’m growing tired of the single life.

Not that it’s not any fun because it is — but after meeting so many nice decent single men who pretty much go for the next girl, you sometimes throw your arms up in the air and say, “Que sera sera… whatever will be, will be.”

Often times, after meeting and becoming friends with so many potential men and pretty much losing them when they start having girlfriends, you just wish to have that special person right by your side, lazing beside you as you watch the latest episodes of American Idol.

Sure, it wouldn’t be too hard trying to attract somebody when you know you look damn good. Take for example, last Saturday, I was wearing this airy, comfortable blue and orange summer dress that moved as I walked. With the right touch of makeup and attitude, it wasn’t so difficult to get one guy attracted enough to get your number.

It’s also not difficult to get someone to hang out with you when you’re doing something fun and exciting. For example, what if you took a head trip and you invited him with you? What type of loser would say no and choose to stay at home and get bored out of his bind?

However, what about the days when you have a bad hair day? When you’re feeling fat and bloated and you feel that your face needs a breather? Then what? Will you be able to keep them interested then?

And what about the times when you want to go to an event, but the guy ain’t just feeling it? For example, am planning to go to a wine tasting and art exhibit tomorrow. And given the steep tag price and the too-cultured atmosphere, it was quite difficult to find a companion willing to accompany you without grumbling every step of the way.

My point being, inasmuch that I love the high energy and excitement that being single creates, it’s also nice just to have someone stable — day in an dayout — right by your side who accompanies you as you venture through life.

The ironic thing is that, despite my tendency to be settled, I’ve only had short-term relationships. For those of you who have read my blog ever since the beginning, you’ll be dismayed to know that all my relationships had been a downward trend, starting with my first boyfriend with whom I’ve been with for the entire year, the second one who stayed with me for half a year, and the last toxic ex with whom I broke up with after a quarter.

Why oh why can I not manage to pull myself together and just keep a damn relationship? 🙁

Anyway, Trader tells me that all the pain and disappointment end soon. He hopes to be the guy who washes my tears away and takes me in his arms in comfort. It will just be a matter of time I guess before he tries to see if he can make me completely his.

The only question is — will I say yes?

Damnit, I wish I was even more decisive instead of being wishy-washy!

Admittedly, I love the feeling of being adored, to be completely cared and pampered for. In all my life, I have never really been treated this well by a guy, who is willing to keep his eyes shut as I trash and bumble my way through the world. “I like you,” he had said with all seriousness, “just the way you are.

To a person who’s always made someone love her by being the most exciting and interesting person in the room, his words offer some comfort. It meant that I don’t need to act like a clown to get attention. All I needed was to just be, and that was enough for him to love me.

It was also nice to see him pulling no stops just to keep in touch with me. Especially since he’s somewhere else, it’s quite flattering to see him spend some serious moolah just to call, SMS and heck, even visit me in Hong Kong. That’s what I’d call “The Great Act,” and he’s yet to let me down so far.

In a way, my Ex was also like that.

He was very arduous when he first started up to the point of emailing and contacting me over five times a day. However, unlike my Ex, Trader was a lot more stable and wouldn’t start anything he couldn’t sustain. Whereas Ex burned bright like wildfire, his passion for me also cooled down as fast. That was just the way it was, but I think that Trader is much more stable than him.

Nonetheless, everything is a moot point.

Unless Trader pops the question of exclusivity, everything is just second-guessing the inevitable. Who knows? He may not chicken out and not really push through with it. It is indeed too fast don’t you think?

However, with everybody imploring that I give Trader a chance, I cannot help but feel that I should…

He’s such a great guy and I can entrust my heart to him am sure. Unlike Ex, Trader to my knowledge of him will not hurt me and break my heart into teeny tiny pieces. Instead, he will treasure it as if it was his own.

True, my ardor for him is not as great as my passion for my Ex then when we first started. However, we shouldn’t cross Trader out just because my love for him hasn’t really reached a boiling point yet. I’ve learned my lesson the first time around when I was young and stupid and broke somebody’s ego when I said, “I like you, but not enough,” — words I regretted but could never take back.

Trader deserves a chance, and I will give it to him.

Pain or happiness?

I choose happiness.

My heart is still catching up, but I know this is the right decision for me.

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