A friend of mine asked me why women are afraid to ask men out. “If you’re interested, why not do it?”
After the hustle and bustle of overtime work, I managed to think further to his question.
The truth is, I’ve actually forgotten when I liked a guy so much that I consciously asked him out. Usually, when I already reach the point when I can comfortably call a guy and ask him out, that already means that he’s already in the friend’s zone. And hey, which guy wants to be in the friend zone?
My girlpal and I briefly contemplated this question. We both knew the guy who asked and wondered if there was another girl he was interested in, but frustratingly couldn’t gather enough courage to ask out.
“The crux of the problem is,” I commented, “guys and girls are built differently. Women just don’t have that urge to surge and conquer. It takes time for us to develop feelings to actually like someone enough to ask them out.”
“That’s so right,” my friend agreed. “Unless they’re super duper terrific, but of course, usually you only know they’re super duper great after you’ve been out with them a few times.”
When a man sees a woman he finds attractive, correct me if I’m wrong but he feels that drive to want to get to know her. “I wanted you the first time I saw you,” as my ex would have crudely said. Somehow that little head couldn’t be silenced and it’s that need to plant their seeds and reproduce that make them just want to ask you out “to get to know you better.”
But for women, it’s quite different.
“Unfortunately, and I’m playing the devil’s advocate here,” I briefly explained. “Why would a woman want a guy who doesn’t find her worthy enough to ask out?”
Okay, so despite my many insecurities and overthinking, I do have my pride. I wondered then if other women were the same.
Honestly, I am usually interested with men who are interested in me. When a hint of interest is there, I latch on to it and encourage it if I find the guy appealing. However, at the first whiff of disinterest from his part especially during the intial dating stages, my interest quickly fades and the fish gets thrown back into the sea.
“So do you want to be a man, instead of THE men?” I asked.
Sounds very crude but it’s quite true. If a guy doesn’t show interest, no matter how attractive he may be, he loses his shimmer and he blends into the crowd. It’s a guy who shows his interest, no matter how awkward it may be, that stands out from the sea of options and who I remember.
I guess that’s how life is, right? Which would you want to be — boring and predictable, or risky and yet someone we would remember? The guys I remember are those that had the guts to ask me out, and were quite sweet in doing so. And even if I don’t say yes, well I still remember them.
My guy friend talks about rejection. On how rejection starts at an early age and scars men from trying to ask women out. He tells us that as women, we don’t know of such rejection and hence, trivially states the many complications of asking someone out.
In the end, men are hunters. Blame me for being old fashioned but the formula has almost always been — guys ask, women accept. I don’t remember any encounter when I’ve asked a guy out that ended successfully. The dates, I would imagine, would be awkward, and there’s that sinking feeling that the guy’s only going out with you because you’re available and not because he really REALLY wants you.
Guys deal with this all the time, but women — we overthink and overreact.
Not knowing whether a guy really likes you for you can really drive a girl up the wall. In addition, no matter what guys say on how much they admire courageous women, it really really depends on the execution.
If an ugly woman asks a guy out, would the guy say yes as a reward for her courage?
Of course not! He’d probably laugh and joke about her with his buddies.
Anyway, who asks who is a moot point.
Guys may argue that it’s okay for a woman to ask a man out. What is there to lose anyway? And wouldn’t it actually be attractive for a guy, especially since he admires the courage she has gathered to ask HIM out instead of the other way around. “The world would be a more better place if women took ownership and asked men out.”
However, women have babies. We get cramps and period. We have our place in society.
So men ask, and we sweetly think about it and then say yes afterwards.
And the reward goes to the man who finds the courage to do so.
So if you like someone, just do it. Just ask her out. If you choose well, she shouldn’t laugh at you.
And for women, heck, if you like someone enough, then go ahead. What’s the loss anyway? Nothing.
However, for me, I’ll stay put. It’s a chicken or egg issue for me.
If a guy doesn’t ask me out, he remains anonymous in my radar. Heck, if he doesn’t find me worthwhile to date, then why waste time worrying too much? There are so many activities to do, friends to see, work to finish instead of worrying about not going out on a date. Of all the things you can do, why go out with someone who doesn’t find you good enough to date?
So you go ahead… I’ll stay put. 🙂
And I realize that I am a lot more traditional/old-fashioned than I seem.
3 thoughts on “Who asks who out?”
Imo, this kind of agressiveness (“hunter” personality, as you named it) is something degrading for both sexes. Imagine, if men are the hunters then women are … trophies? Does it not objectify women? It seems to me someone who “conquered” the woman would be much more likely to view her as just another score and lose interest, as opposed to the case where the woman made the first (or second) step and made the experience mutual…
I’m reminded of a scene from a movie… I think it was Good Will Hunting but I’m not entirely certain — a scene where the guy sits down at the bar with his friends and feels attracted to the woman who is sitting a bit away with her own friends, but doesn’t approach her because he’s confused and has some other things on his mind. A few hours pass in conversation, everyone sipping drinks, exchanging glances, and the club begins to close. The woman walks past him and says:
“You idiot! I’ve been waiting for you to approach me this entire evening. Well, now it’s too late. Here’s my number. When you sober up tomorrow, call me!”
“However, at the first whiff of disinterest from his part especially during the intial dating stages, my interest quickly fades and the fish gets thrown back into the sea.”
argh that frustrates me quite often… how about if I’m being careful, am still deciding or am not sure and thus am not showing a pemanent neon green go light ?
“I am usually interested with men who are interested in me.” ( which is almost always exclusively the case with women)
Which leads me to question two, how do I know how interested in me she is ? ^^ I don’t want someone who likes me just because I like them ?
DS, a woman making too obvious doesn’t make the interaction mutual. It may make her come off as “too aggressive” or stalker like. Qualities we DON’T want to be. I guess it’s all about filtering as well. We appreciate a man’s man, and hope that a potential suitor would grab the courage and make the move.
@l, too much carefulness and you lose a girl’s interest. No guts, no glory! 🙂
How do you know if she’s interested?
Answer: She makes it very easy for you. 🙂