Love — it’s such an abstract, unfeeling thought till it smacks you right in the head.

Then your heart literally stops, your stomach pits to the ground and you’re wheeling dazedly without even knowing why.

You don’t really know if this is indeed love… but you felt something.

You feel your heart cracking a bit to hear the worry in his voice, “Are you alive and well?“

It was a surprise call, all in the middle of trading hours when one can’t make personal calls and he calls you because he is concerned.

Then he tells you he’ll call you that night to talk more.

So you wait — and nothing.

That night, the phone doesn’t ring, doesn’t scream — and yet, it shouts a message so loud that no matter how much he affects you, you’re doing it for the right thing.

Because no matter how much you like him, you like yourself even more.

And loving yourself means that you want to protect yourself from being hurt, from being disappointed by a guy who calls himself, “unreliable, yet always caring” man.

Yet no matter how much you don’t want to, you’re still waiting for him to show that he cares, though you’ve seen many instances of his unreliability in the past to the point that you’ve told him once before when he asked you if you was disappointed, “Not really, because I’ve come to expect it.“

So for me, I resume the silence.

Not because I want to…

But because I need to in order to keep my sanity.

My life — as busy as it now is — cannot stand this emotional roller-coaster ride anymore.

I can’t always wait by the phone to see if he’ll actually care. I have so much things to do than wait for a guy who may not even be there.

Inasmuch that I’m torturing myself for not contacting him, I honestly believe this is for the best.

Why?

Because from the bottom of my heart, I truly believe that I deserve so, so much better.