Yesterday, I received an email from my rock climbing guy friend inviting me to a BBQ party this May. At the end of the email, he wrote, “You’re the first person on the invite list.”

Big sigh.

Why did he have to write that?

I know this guy is interested in me but he’s not helping matters by showing how interested he is.

And you know the basic rule of human nature, “You always want what you can’t have.”

Well, I know I have this guy, and my interest for him is practically nada. Furthermore, he’s starting to scare me because he’s starting to show so much interest. And I don’t know how much I trust this guy… you’d never know how crazy a guy can get.

On other more positive matters, I went rock climbing yesterday at the Shipai gym with two French cuties!

Ah, there’s just something about being in the company of two intelligent French men that makes rock climbing even sweeter!

I even had a late-night snack with one of them (he lives nearby) so it’s great!

For once, I’ve met someone who’s very similar to me.

Yes, I’m talking to French hottie…

He also likes to travel, is competitive, and schedule his time a week before!

Problem is, he’s too cute for words, has really nice eyes, and even busier than I am (if there’s such a thing).

Regardless, it’s always fun to chill with him… and always something to look forward to weekly!

His friend is also inviting me to a wine tasting on the first week of May in Tienmu! Looking forward to that event, though we’d have to see if they’d remember to follow up!

Haha, now I know why so many ladies are head over heels over French guys… bring it on!

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I’m still processing what my girl friends have told me last Sunday.

That’s my problem though.

I don’t really spend time sitting down to think. Last time I did that, I slept.

Yes, it’s that bad,

Instead, I’d rather talk about it and process the information via conversation.

So I asked her for more details yesterday.

“What in particular had made you say that I’m more selfish and inconsiderate?” I asked.

“I can’t really point out one exact situation,” she said. “Instead, it’s a feeling based from a series of small events. You’re more abrasive and more forceful in your opinions for example.”

In the end of the conversation, I think a lot of her conclusions are based on how I’ve treated my best guy friend Mike.

To those who haven’t been reading this blog regularly, what happened was that I promised Mike that I’d attend his English tour at the National Palace Museum where he volunteers monthly.

Unfortunately, that day, I didn’t get up in time.

When I called him to ask for directions, he was already upset and told me not to go anymore since I’ll be late anyway.

He even cancelled our movie/dinner appointment that night.

I apologized on the phone, and then went back to bed.

Afterwards, I went wallclimbing with French cutie and had a nice BBQ dinner and ice cream with him.

“Didn’t you feel bad about the situation?!” she asked last Sunday. “If it was me, I would’ve called him again and apologized. Instead, you waited for a week to call him. So of course, he’d feel hurt. The old Raven would’ve felt so bad and not enjoyed the night with French cutie at all.”

So the question is, did I make a mistake? Was my reaction wrong, and so unlike the old Raven?

Yes, I admit I was wrong.

I knew I had to get up for the tour and yet, wasn’t able to (long story, but we stayed up the whole Friday and Saturday was a marathon of events).

It was my bad and I’m sorry that Mike was disappointed with me.

Yes, I’ve already apologized.

I’ve called Mike, fully intending to join that tour, and felt bad for missing it. I’m sorry I let Mike down.

It was unintentional and I’m sorry.

I guess Mary Anne was expecting me to treat this as a bigger deal, for me to feel worse than I had and to have reacted differently than what I did. Hence, she felt I’ve changed, because the old Raven would’ve called Mike and apologized a thousand times…

But should I worry about him being mad at me? Should I ruin my entire day for something that can’t be solved anyway?

Everybody knows I value Mike as a friend. But at that time, I believed that it’s better for him to cool off before I talk to him.

“But why did you have to wait two weeks before contacting him?” Mary Anne asked in bewilderment. “As you waited longer, he started getting hurt because he felt you didn’t really care.”

Frankly, the real deal was, I thought he’d call after he cooled off.

Of course, we now know that there’s something wrong with that logic, but at that time, I have believed that Mike will call me when he was ready.

It was because if I was angry, I would’ve call that person and chew his/her head off, and I’ve fully expected Mike to do the same.

BIG SIGH.

Anyway, that’s that. I’m sorry if she and Karen felt that I should’ve felt more sorry, apologized more times, and called up sooner. The fact was, though I was truly sorry, I didn’t. Instead, I just put it behind me till later and still continued my day’s agenda and had a great time.

So does that make me selfish and inconsiderate?

If Mike is reading this blog, I’m pretty sure he won’t be happy to read what I just wrote. He, like Mary Anne, would probably feel I’m being callous or insensitive.

But what else can I do?

Look Mike, I love you, you know that… and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you if you asked. You’ve been my source of support these years, and truly one of my best friends here.

Regardless, I feel that I’ve already said my apologies. How much more sorry do you guys want me to do be, for you to be satisfied?

So now and forevermore, I’m sorry… I’ll strive not to do it again. Now, can we just leave this matter be?

Thank you.

In addition, I think she was also reacting by my reaction to her European friend who was here for two weeks. The backstory was that, we went out for some pizza and when the bill came, I disapproved that we split the bill evenly between us.

Why?

I felt that in gratitude for Mary Anne taking him around and sheltering him during his two-week stay, he should’ve at least insisted that he pay for the bill. I would’ve, and most people would. Anyway, it was less than NT$1,000 so I felt it was really not a big amount.

Otherwise, I felt that Mary Anne or myself should’ve paid for the bill because he was the guest and it’s an expression of hospitality to pay for the guest.

Either way, I didn’t think the bill should’ve been evenly split between the three of us. I can’t help but say that I was embarrassed when she took out the calculator and computed the difference. I felt the amount wasn’t that big, and we should’ve just insisted to pay for him, if he didn’t do that.

I’ve nicely told Mary Anne on one occasion what her guest should’ve done. In exchange, she had felt that I’ve had high expectations of men since my ex had usually spoiled me by treating me to nice dinners. Hence, I expect guys to treat me the same way.

I don’t think this is the point though.

This has nothing to do with being a guy, or having high expectations of men. Instead, it’s about guest etiquette.

Let me explain.

Since he is living for free in their house for two weeks and she is touring him around, I believe it’s just right to treat your host for a meal or two. The bill wasn’t that expensive anyway.

On the other hand, she or I could’ve treated him since he was the guest.

Either way, I didn’t think splitting the bill equally was the right gesture. Not that I have anything against going Dutch (I often do this when I’m out with my girlfriends), but I felt that going Dutch on this particular occasion was inappropriate due to the reasons I’ve stated above.

Regardless, because of this, my girl friends think I’m spoiled and have high expectations of men, which isn’t really the case. I’m no charity case, and I don’t require guys to pay for my meals all the time. Those who know me well know that I’m usually uncomfortable with men treating me for dinner, because I feel obligated to return the favor. As a result, I have treated my friends to dinner on multiple occasions, whether they are men or women.

Thirdly, they think I’ve become more materialistic and superficial because of the company I’m often out with.

“You always hang out with Ex#2 and we believe he’s a bad influence to you,” they said. “His friends aren’t also good for you.”

Big sigh… again!

Those who have read my blog know that I’ve been gradually carving my life away from Ex#2, and with success. Ever since Buddy, Yulia, Keith and Peter had left, I have seldom hung out with his friends. Instead, I hang out with friends I share an interest with, namely wallclimbing… or a small group of various friends I’ve met in other occasions.

These friends aren’t superficial at all. They’re genuine, sincere people with their own respective interests. Why would I hang out with people who I know won’t be there for me anyway?

Just a waste of time.

However, Mary Anne and Karen had thought I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. You’d imagine that I spent my days drinking myself to death and rolling down in debauchery.

Nothing is further than the truth…

My life has been more wholesome than before, with days peppered with wallclimbing and the driving range. I’ve touched base with old friends and chilled out with genuine people I truly like and have done things that interest me and enrich me as a person. I haven’t been clubbing or drinking as much, but that’s just fine, because I’m still having fun.

Sure, I may not be as happy as I was before… but how can you expect one to be happy all the time? And because I’m in a country where everything is in constant transition, how can I be expected not to be lost?

I’m 25, for goodness sakes. If I’m 40-something and lost, that may be a problem… but as a 25-year old, forgive me for feeling lost most of the time. I don’t think I can be blamed if I’m not sure where my life is going at this point in time. Besides, it’s not as if my life isn’t going anywhere. I know it’s going forward, still unsure with the direction… but one thing for sure, I know it’s going somewhere…

Life is about up and downs as well. Can you expect me to be happy all the time? That’s just bizarre. Sure, I’m lonely at times, that’s why I fill up my schedule with so many activities, but heck, how can you not be lonely when your family is living in another country?

Aiyo, don’t think I can win though.

Regardless on what I say, I’d just come off being defensive and I don’t think they’ll get my point.

Hence, here’s what I’m going to do… I’d continue to think about this and see if what they say has merit or not. Nevertheless, it would be great if you can also share with me some of your comments with this dilemma.

The fact that it is my girlfriends who are sharing me these “out of concern for my well-being” bothers me.

If my closest friends are telling me something, shouldn’t I listen?

So I appreciate your comments in advance, and have a great Tuesday!

Back to work everyone!