I wish I can be one of those women who after being dumped by a man, can say with much conviction and honestly that she doesn’t care…

that he isn’t worth it…

and that it’s rather that they ended it now than later, with a bigger broken heart.

I can’t.

I’m not one of them.

Though I’d like so bad to say it, I know I’d be lying to myself.

Yes, I am bothered, and yes, I am disappointed.

I, like many romantics, had hoped that something would’ve come out from it.

It is, like they say, very difficult for someone to grab my attention/interest and this guy did.

Hence, this guy should be special.

It bothered me so much that yesterday at the zoo, I was still thinking about it! I couldn’t really comprehend that obviously, that’s that, and anything with the Aussie guy is by all means, over.

It got so bad that I called Mike up while we were at the reptilian/amphibian house.

His response: “Well, at least you know now than later.”

Great, some sort of relief I got there.

It’s much better to think of him as a bad man. But maybe, I’m just being bitter.

I told Dan, my wallclimbing partner and an American, about Aussie guy. I figured, a Caucasian should have more insight to the Caucasian psyche.

It turned out he really wasn’t. First, he was uncomfortable.

“Raven, there was a time when I thought you were interested in me, and… well… anyway, I cannot do it. I cannot help you hook up with another guy,” he seriously replied.

Which by the way means that he still had a crush on me and can’t help me there.

Regardless, when he found out about the story, that on Saturday, Aussie guy and I went on a date and tried to hold my hand to which I was uncomfortable with and nicely indicated that he stop…

that on Monday, I swallowed my pride and called up Aussie guy to see how he was doing and told him not to be offended with the handholding debacle and I didn’t really want to do it because I was uncomfortable since he was going too fast and I’d rather proceed slowly…

Which meant to say that yes dummy, I am interested in you… but if you want to continue pursuing me, slow down cowboy!

and that he has yet to contact me since then…

made Dan make this super obvious comment: “Sorry Raven, you know it’s over. But at least, I believe he was simply playing you and he’s really not keen into getting into any sort of serious commitment, otherwise, he’d still be pursuing you. Especially since you had obviously told him that you were interested.”

So despite thinking that Aussie guy is a player, this girl is still hurt.

No matter how you look into it, rejection hurts baby. 🙁

Dating is pretty vicious — you go out slowly, carefully and though it didn’t really last long and though your heart didn’t break THAT badly, it still hurt.

But as they say, at least, am starting to let other guys in instead of just mulling over the ex, with whom I’ve hung out with yesterday at the zoo because of our organization, but hasn’t really affected my life in the recent days.

Sigh, if it’s not one, it’s the other… when can I find a truly decent man here in Taipei who fits and likes me for who I am, and is not just looking for fun but also for something serious?!

As my friend BA had said, “Raven, you can’t play… so you’re at a disadvantage, especially if the guy who goes after you is a player.”

Damn… when can I see the light at the end of the tunnel?!

I wish I wasn’t so nice.

Yohoo! Any nice guys out there?!

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I just finished reading Paul Theroux’s “Hotel Honolulu.”

Great book.

My colleague thinks it’s hilariously funny but I felt that the sense of humor was sadder, more ironic, and not so out there. For example, Theroux builds up the chapter in such that you think it’s going in one direction, when he ends it different to what you expect.

Sort of you cite a rich man who had everything he had, and for a time was the happiest man in the world fully at peace with himself… but who kills himself by hanging himself with a tie and his Ferrari, because he was lusting after this young woman who was going to get married.

Anyway, the book is written by a hotel manager who writes about the lives of people around him (e.g., his staff, the hotel’s owner and their memorable customers/tenants).

That sort of thing.

Let me share with you one chapter that especially touched my heart, which had relevance to the things happening in my life recently — the story of “The Limping Waiters.”

There were two limping waiters in his hotel.

In their forties, Charlie Wilnice and Ben Fishlow met at a hospital ward and became friends in rehab. They were seasonal hires. Meaning during the busy seasons, they were asked to come and help.

Charlie has been waiting on a young Japanese woman when she shyly but formally requested, “Please you can deliver this to my room,” and handed him a small purse.

So he did.

After work, he found her room and she met him at the door.

She was undressed, wearing a robe which was undone, loose at the front… unbuttoned. The woman was naked.

“Please you come in,” she asked.

Charlie looked at her, stepped backward, bobbing on his bad leg and went away.

He told Ben about the shocking tale later, fully expecting Ben to also be shocked.

But the next day, Ben sought out the young woman.

And just like what Charlie said, she offered him the purse that Charlie had described and again asked, “Please you can deliver this to my room.”

And likewise, she met him at the door, wearing all that Charlie had described.

She invited him inside and without any preliminaries, he went in and kissed her.

They made love everywhere, and recklessly, for six days she was at the hotel, Ben met her. He couldn’t help himself and had no words to describe it.

Simply, he was possessed, though he’d rather think of himself as insane.

Ben tried looking for her, called her phone, emailed her but couldn’t reach her.

Charlie didn’t know what do. He wasn’t sure how the doll woman swept over his friend, nearly destroying him.

“Fishlow (Ben) had been so happy, so hungry. She had made him into a willing dog, and now she was gone and he was still a dog, but desperate whimpering mutt with his scummy tongue hanging out. That was the worst of love.”

Too crushed, Ben told Charlie every detail of his encounter with the woman. “He was specific and self-mocking because he was wounded.”

Ben envied Charlie’s self-possession, the way that Charlie had simply backed off from the woman who burdened his memory.

But Charlie, on the other hand, envied his friend as well.

“I have always been too impulsive — it will shorten my life,” thought Ben

On the other hand, Charlie himself thought, “I am afraid. I don’t know how to live.”

So the chapter ends: “Each man was consumed by regret, the one from having rejected the woman, the other from having made love to her. Each man believed he has failed, and the way they walked was like emphasis, as though trying to trample on the memory of the woman.”

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Do you get the story?

Two men, faced with the same choice — one grabs it with both hands, the other turns away.

Both men were filled with regret — one for not holding onto the woman any longer while the other, for not taking that chance.

Given that you know the consequence, who fares better?

If you were to make a decision, would you take that leap, that jump even though you know there’s a huge possibility you’ll get hurt?

Or would you, like Charlie, turn your back and walk away with your heart intact, but always asking yourself, “What if?”

That was why the story has touched me — it’s the story of my dire love life.

Given the choice for love, would you take it knowing that you’d get hurt, or will yo just walk away?

It’s so easy to say, “No guts, no glory,” or “Better to have loved than not at all” but actually it’s not.

Because the hurt is real.

Sometimes, it hurts so badly that you cry and cry in bed, not really understanding how a person you love so much can hurt you that badly. And you realize that it’s because you love them so, that they have the power to hurt you.

I’ve had it… several times now.

And whether if it was a one-year dead relationship that ended in a sputter (Japanese ex), or a 3-month promising relationship you’ve felt cheated out of and with whom in a span of those few months loved truly (Ex#2), or a few-week casual dating relationship with the Aussie guy, the hurt is still there.

The only difference is degrees, but the hurt is real… and it’s there.

Do I regret it?

Sometimes, but I guess, it’s way better than continually asking yourself, “What if?” and not knowing how to answer because you’ve never grabbed that opportunity.

Nevertheless, sometimes, you also ask yourself why you allow yourself to get hurt over and over again?

Ironically, you still do it… because we are fools… fools for love.

And I’m the biggest fool of them all. 🙁
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Yesterday was Taiwan’s Tomb-Sweeping Day, hence, the no-working holiday!

How did I spend it?

I spent it with some friends and visited the Taipei Zoo!

We walked and walked till our feet hurt, but it was fun! I especially loved the Noctural House, the Penguin House and the Amphibian/Reptile House.

Most of the animals looked sad and bored, but hey, wouldn’t you be if you had a slew of strangers come and just look at you?

Haha, here are just some the pics we took of the animals:

Dozens of zebras fighting for food…

Curious chimpanzees… they’re really natural performers. Do you know monkey’s DNA is 98% similar to humans? That’s why they use monkeys in lab experiments. Sad thing is, because monkeys are very family oriented, to get a wild baby monkey, they’d have to kill the whole tribe… sad. 🙁
Furry koalas — they look really docile, but watch out for their sharp claws. Aussie guy says they’re ferocious when pissed off. There were a couple at the zoo.

White rhino, red here cause of the mud caking his body.

A lioness, which looks smaller in real life. The lion is somewhere there. Most animals in this park are pretty lazy.
Lots of animals at the Taipei Zoo, it’s a really big park!

God, the kids were unruly though. A lot of parents here don’t know how to discipline their kids. Even if the kids tapped the windows, shout or run around the area, the parents just stand there and not do anything about it!

If my dad was there, he’d be like, “SIT DOWN, RAVEN!” and you’d be sure I’d be sitting down or they’ll be hell to pay.

“Not my kids, not my kids,” I kept on reminding myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I like kids, but I don’t really like them if they’re undisciplined.

Haha, I think I’ll be a pretty strict mom. 🙂

Afterwards, I went home and pampered myself a bit… took a nap and lighted up some aroma candles. Good thing, my good guy friend called me up and we chatted for half an hour. 🙂

My girlfriend Yulia also invited me out to Carnegies but it was just too late so I passed.

I’m a working girl, lest you forget!

But it was overall a nice day.

Even if the thought of Aussie guy kept running in my mind, it was a nice day.

Have a great Thursday everyone!

It’s almost Friday!!! YAY!