This entry was written October 2, 2005, the day after I broke up with Ex #2. Sorry for an updated entry, just too busy at work! Haha, anyway, thank God it’s Friday. Hope you guys have a great weekend! Remember, c’est la vie… live life to the fullest:

It’s true what they say — it’s heart-wrenching. You know, like your heart being ripped off.

You feel numb in your heart and at the pit of your stomach. You lie in bed asking yourself, “What went wrong?” despite knowing that it’s not really you or him, but instead, it’s just that you just weren’t meant to be.

You imagine life without that person anymore, and you remember the good and the bad. And you realize that you can never with that person the same way again. Sure, you can peck them on the cheek, but you can’t kiss like you used to. You can give them brief hugs, but cuddles are a no-no. And any other intimacies you once shared? Well, say goodbye to all of those.

Because you’re not together any more. What was two, is now one. You’re no longer a couple. You’re single now. Again.

And it’s a hard bitter pill to swallow. It hits you in your gut hard.

“Let’s be friends,” is the typical line said at breakup. Sometimes, they mean it, sometimes they don’t. You’ll just see after time passed. But you feel hurt because you want more, and yet, they’re downgrading you to “friends” status.

When I broke up, I laughed and cried. My friends felt that I needed to grieve and mourn, and so they encouraged me to cry my eyes out, at least for a week or two. However, since I already knew my relationship was ending (insert impending doom sound effect) and had a whole week to prepare my heart, I didn’t cry as much as I should.

Yes, I sniffed and curled up in my bed, and I cried for a couple of minutes, but in a way, I was prepared. And though it hurt so damn bad, I didn’t wail as I did the week before, asking myself over and over, “Why can’t they love me? Why do I always pick guys who cannot love me? There’s gotta be a pattern here!!!” Instead, I cried a bit and let my emotions roll over me.

The best way to describe myself — numb.

I was numb.

I couldn’t really feel that much anymore. My heart had this dull ache that I couldn’t get rid off. I was tired of loving and being disappointed. I was tired of being hurt again and again and again. I ask myself, “When will this stop?” only to realize that the hurt will never stop unless I stop loving. And I was always a firm believer of, “Better to have love and lost, than never to love at all.”

But I was truly tired.

Breakups always hurt, and there’s always a tinge of sadness in the air. We enter a relationship full of happiness and optimism, only to see it end. Sometimes you wish, it’s better not to enter the relationship in the first place if we knew it was going to hurt this bad.

As if you’d be able to stop yourself though…

After the grief, you give yourself time to laugh.

When I broke up with my boyfriend, I spent my time with friends. That afternoon, I spent it with famed relationship guru Mike, who didn’t really say much (which was a first), but at least was there to give me comfort when I cried and mused about my failed relationship. Afterwards, I went for some KTV and even went for a drink. The highlight of the day was when I did what I enjoyed — walking in the streets of Taipei, in the pouring rain, and with a friend. I was soaked to the bone, but it felt great. Nothing like walking in the rain to wash away your troubles, albeit briefly.

But when I woke up the next day, I still felt hurt. I unconsciously started to look back at my relationship but stopped myself because I knew it wouldn’t change any. Instead, I imagined the prospect of life without my boyfriend, and how we can deal with this again.

Then came the dilemma, deep in my heart, I do not wish to cut ties with my now-ex. He is a terrific man, and I have a lot of fun with him. And frankly, given the chance, we can truly be the best of friends (as painful as it may sound right now). In addition, since I work with him, I would need to see him often and that would be totally awkward. How to deal?

I’m not sure yet, though am sure that time will smoothen out the process. My only wish though in my time of grieving that he does not dare go out with any girl until I’ve truly moved on (which historically, shouldn’t take me a long time). It would disrupt my healing process and only rehash painful memories on what could’ve been and what makes her better than I am (even though we know there’s no answer to this).

There also came the realization that you’re back in the dating field again (as soon as you get over your grief). The thought scares the sh*t out of me! Last time I broke up, I managed to get over my grief with two very casual encounters, and though they helped, I don’t want to handle it this way again.

The prospect of being alone again is scary. Whereas you are safe and protected in a relationship, being single entails being alone, despite knowing that your friends and family are backing you up.

It comes with the territory, I guess.

*shrug*

Honestly, I prefer being in a relationship than getting back in the game again. The game is full of jerks and undeserving men, and I’m quite tired of finding someone worth my time again. Regardless, there’s also the optimism of finding someone more compatible to you, and loves you back. And though I’m sure this will be difficult, it’s possible, and one must just look in the future for hope.

Did I feel ugly after I break up? A lot of people feel unattractive when they break up. It’s a great punch to their self-esteem. But at least, I thank God for reminding me that I am attractive and loved by sending me wonderful friends and a little boost in the ego three times in a row.

I started by asking how I felt after a breakup. I realize however after writing this entry that break ups are shitty, but writing about it is a therapeutic exercise. I feel a lot better, and I’ll write more when I can.

C’est La Vie!