All right, getting far from the topic of moving on. So the question, HOW was I able to move on so fast from my breakup? I think there are just three realizations that helped me move on…
One, I gave myself time to mourn.
I mourned for a week.
My poor friends.
I’d call them up in the middle of the night bawling my head off, asking the same obvious questions over and over. And they had to be me by real-time confidante, ego-booster, and primary supporter.
There was even one time when I wanted to call up my ex and cry, “TAKE ME BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!” Good thing, my close girlfriend showed me the stupidity of that decision.
There was even a split second where I contemplated of jumping off a building. But I figured, it would 1) hurt; and 2) he’s not worth dying for.
All this… is ABSOLUTELY normal.
We need time to mourn.
It’s okay. A breakup is NOT the end of the world. It happens.
Cry, complain, bawl… do whatever you want to get it out of your system.
Make sure you have loads of tissues.
This takes time… and don’t wallow too much in your grief.
But believe me, he/she isn’t worth it. If he/she was, he/she would be right there beside you, comforting you. No person who loves you will ever want to see you in so much pain.
And if he/she isn’t there, why are you crying for him/her?
Not worth it.
Two, I realized that it was already over.
The finality of the breakup — the fact that I knew we’ll never ever get together again — did wonders in helping me get over my ex.
I think the reason people won’t let go so fast is because they’re still hoping that they can still work it out. They’re pining for something that’s already done and over with.
So drill it to your head — IT’S OVER.
Hurts like hell, huh? But trust me, the pain’s just going to be in a few weeks. Don’t prolong it longer than necessary. Don’t torture yourself by locking yourself in your room for a loooong time, and wishing he/she was right there with you.
When it’s finished, it’s over. Now’s the time to slam that door shut. And open another window.
Sometimes, it’s better to be cruel. I can tell you what you want to hear — that he/she still loves you, that there’s still a chance — but you know what? That wouldn’t be kind.
That’s why I am so thankful to my friends. They were firm and cruel. They didn’t continue to let me dream and hope. But they did it for my own good.
When I was still hoping for reconciliation that first week, they were the ones who popped my dream bubble by saying, “XXXX, give it up. When a Japanese guy breaks up, no matter how much you cry or beg, it’s never going to happen. It’s OVER.”
It hurts, but it woke me up. Saved me from my delusions.
You begging for a second chance on the relationship would be useless — and pathetic (so don’t even attempt to contact him/her).
You crying yourself to sleep, wallowing in bouts of depression, or considering suicide will NOT help. It will not make him/her see the light and beg you to come back.
Whatever you do at this point, will not change the fact that he/she has already given up on the relationship.
If he/she wanted you back, HE/SHE should be the one calling you for reconciliation.
And if the phone isn’t ringing, there’s your answer right there.
And the question is, if he/she doesn’t think you’re worth fighting for, do you really want this person in the long run? Is this the person you’d want to marry? If not, why are you still fighting for him/her? Why are you still torturing yourself?
You’re just fighting a losing battle.
No matter how hard it is, let it go.
Come on… you deserve better.
LET. IT. GO.
And once you really realize that it’s totally over, believe me, it’s way easier to move on. Trust me. Once I finally got that the relationship was truly over, moving on is a piece of cake.
And three, realize that he was a great guy, but he was just not the RIGHT guy FOR ME.
I’m guilty of hanging onto a dead-end relationship even when it’s obvious that it’s time to let go (See my previous entry of ‘Breakup season?‘ on the right time to let go). One because I don’t give up on my relationships. And the other was because I had grown comfortable being in this relationship that I was unable to let go and imagine a life without him.
That’s what happens: When you get into a relationship, you somehow revolve your life around the person that you find it difficult to imagine life without him/her. Sometimes even, it comes to a point where you idealize that person so much that you can’t imagine why this great person would choose someone like you?
So after a breakup, you find yourself lost. At the end of a failed relationship, it’s so easy to ask the wrong questions…
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t he/she love me back? Why can’t he/she realize how great I am?”
“What’s going to happen to me now? What’s life after him/her?”
Wrong questions, my friend.
There’s nothing wrong with you. Sh*t happens. It just was’t meant to be.
Don’t forget the purpose of dating. It’s to find out if this person can be your life-mate.
And that’s the partner who’ll share the rest of your life with you.
Sometimes, you find him/her on the first try. Sometimes not.
And if not, that’s okay. You move on.
there’s nothing really wrong with you or your ex. It’s just that… this is not the right person who would share the rest of your life with you…If he/she was, they would realize what a great person you are, and NOT give up on the relationship.
And it’s good that you know that now and breakup, than realize this later.
Are you still with me? 🙂
So congratulate yourself on a failed relationship! Bravo!
The reason it failed was just because he/she was not the right person FOR you. And guess what, it’s true what they say, there are many fish in the sea. And someone out there is a lot more suited for you! Isn’t that exciting?
I think I have my friends to thank again. They really helped me a lot. At this point in time, it is vital that you surround yourself with people who really care about you. In my case, they made me realize that there was nothing wrong with me… that I was beautiful inside and out… and that I deserved better than a lukewarm, dead-end relationship!
Don’t you think you’re the same way? Don’t you think you deserve better than what you’ve gotten before?
Breakups do that to you — they destroy your self-esteem. And it’s important to continually remind yourself that you’re loveable. And one way to do that is to surround yourself with people who love you.
Realize you’re a great catch you are! You have so much love to offer! And if he/she wasn’t the one for you, well then, it’s not your loss! It’s theirs!
After you’ve given yourself the time to mourn and to realize that it’s over, now’s the time to be brave again and go out and find that other person more deserving of your love…
So get yourself busy!
Meet new people…
Do the things you absolutely enjoy…
And start living life again.
There’s life after a breakup you know!
For me, I joined an organization. I kept myself busy with the organization and met a lot of new friends. Once I opened myself to the light, I realized that my ex wasn’t really all that, and there were a lot of nice people out there.
I still felt lonely a lot, but ultimately, I’d rather wait and be with Mr. Right, than have my fun with Mr. Right Now.
And I know he’s just right there in the horizon. And that gives me the courage to move on… one day at a time. 🙂
Have I found him yet? I don’t really know. But you know what, I just can’t wait!
You should too! Hope this helps, Abe! C’est La Vie! Live life!
And moving on… 😉