Two weeks ago, my husband and I went to St. Luke’s QC for my chest x-ray.
My OB suspected I had pneumonia since my left chest painfully ached when I coughed. I was experiencing extreme fatigue and would sleep the whole day. I coughed every time I would get out of bed.
Because the technician wanted me to wear a metal plate to protect my baby for the chest x-ray, he asked me to remove all jewelries in that area. Specifically, my 18K diamond cross necklace which I have bought from the Hong Kong Jewelry show two years ago.
Because I was so weak from fatigue, I handed the necklace to my husband for safekeeping. He placed the necklace into his pocket. For the next few days, I was so fatigued, I slept most of the day away.
I forgot about it.
He forgot about it.
Two days later, I asked him about it, “Sid, where’s my diamond necklace?”
“Oh shit,” he said.
He placed the diamond necklace into his shorts and totally forgot about it. He does not know which shorts he used that day anymore.
He tried to look for it for a few days but so far, the diamond necklace was not yet found.
Obviously, I was upset — Upset at him for losing it. Upset at me for forgetting it.
That necklace held sentimental value for me.
I really liked it, and it cost a pretty penny .
However, I realized that husband’s careless mistake was also unintentional. He himself felt sorry about the boo boo and bought me Starbucks’ new pakulo, an overpriced hibiscus tea. Since most of the stores at Ortigas Center was closed due to the lockdown, husband drove all the way to Starbucks Greenhills during the quarantine to get me the ridiculously priced tea.
Here are some life lessons I learned about marriage due to my missing necklace:
1. Things < Your Relationship with Your Loved Ones
Yes, losing things you value sucks. The necklace cost me a pretty penny. But we should also get angry at our spouse commensurate to the sin involved. In the grand scheme of things, my relationship with my husband is worth far more than the necklace.
In this case, the biggest question was, “Was the mistake intentional?”
If hindi naman, while it is okay to remain upset, we have to look at the situation with a bigger view: “Would getting upset get my diamond necklace back? Or will it ruin both of our days. We will simangot all day long, and we still not find the necklace pa din.”
Picking a fight with your husband over a missing thing will not get that item back.
Hence, while it is okay to berate your husband for being careless, it is also a good reminder for us to taper the sermon and remind ourselves that the mistake was not intentional and a wife should know how to pick their battles.
2. Acknowledge your side of the problem as well. Most fights take two to tango.
In this situation, it was my fault as well as his that he lost the diamond necklace.
I knew that husband was not a very careful man especially when it came to things. He would often loses things left and right even before we were married.
And yet, I gave him the necklace for safekeeping.
Sure, I was very fatigued at that time.
But knowing his nature, I should have been more vigilant in giving him the necklace and instead should have kept the necklace in my bag. That necklace would not have been lost if I kept it in the bag.
When you are in a relationship, don’t look at fights with a myopic view. Remember, many fights involve the two of you, so you can’t really wash your hands off the matter. If your husband did something wrong, you have a choice on whether you want to engage on a fight or a retreat. You also have a choice on how to fight — you can fight dirty or fair.
The type of choices when fighting in a relationship affect your relationship’s savings account of goodwill. Hurt your partner too much and you withdraw from your relationship’s savings account. Show him you love him and such actions refill him.
3. True forgiveness is a key to a happy marriage.
Look, I can carry the burden of being annoyed at husband for losing my diamond necklace for weeks. I can sulk, shout, cry and scream for him being so careless.
But remember, relationships are not a zero-sum game.
It’s not really about winning and losing and. It’s not judging the other and seeing who is actually more careless from the two of you. A lot of couples do that — They count the blames they can throw at each other, and for every fight they have, they will remember every single sin. This gets tiring.
Fighting fair means maintaining a good relationship in mind, picking your fights carefully, and having a sane non-psychotic view of your life together.
Warning: Try not to be psycho bitch or psycho jerk when you fight. Remember, this is someone you say you love. If you’re going to go beserk and allow the relationship to go toxic all the time, maybe it’s just better that the two of you separate.
Hence, while I do hope that eventually we will find the necklace, there must be some acceptance that maybe the necklace is truly lost, and that’s okay.
Look at the bright side, if I am to buy a new type of jewelry, I’m sure my husband would not mind. Given that he’s lost my cross, I can now buy a bigger, brighter type of necklace. Whohoo!
FINAL WORDS: Treasure your relationship more than your things
A lot of people think a happy marriage happens when two sane people who like each other’s company find each other, get married and live a happily ever after.
I disagree on this.
While a happy marriage does entail luck and a lot of God’s blessing, most happy marriages I know are composed of TWO SANE NON-PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE who knows how to fight fairly, reasonably and stop themselves from saying anything under the belt.
I have seen spouses who get tired of their partners after a while.
Even though he/she truly loved the person before they got married and do everything for them, having a partner who is constantly selfish, unfair, and unreasonable do put a strain to any positive emotions you may have for the person.
Case in point my ex-boyfriend — Admittedly, I was kind of a b*tch to him and did not treat him right. I constantly picked fights at him, and was always challenging him.
We were together for a good tiring 2.5 years. And while I am so happy we broke up and I ended up with my husband, I knew I was not fair to the ex many times, and he is far happier as well with the more pleasant and submissive wife he has today.
Girls have a tendency to blow their tops and make mountains out of molehills when they get pissed. I’m actually guilty of this.
Personally, when I’m mad, I feel that I’m 1000% RIGHT in that situation (Note: My husband admits that I’m right most of the time, but I’m admittedly not right all the time), and no amount of explaining will make me stop in getting my justice. We rag and nag our husbands until we get what we want.
I’ve learned that given my temper, it would be better for me to pick my fights. You have to learn how to pick the right fights with your husband. Personally, our huge fights are usually only once or twice a year.
Fighting with your spouse is ttiring, people.
Again, relationships are more important than things.
So if you’re planning to blow your top with your loved one over an issue, make sure it’s truly worth it. Pick your battles. And fight fairly.
Till then, have a great week ahead!