A friend of mine shared that her and her boyfriend broke up a few weeks ago. They’ve been dating for more than half a year. Understandably, she was devastated.
I think hers is a case of giving up too much, too soon.
That’s what’s funny in a relationship. There is still that double standard. If a guy chases after a guy, that’s okay. The guy anyway has to be the one to dictate the pace of a relationship.
However, if the woman gives the pressure, then the guy accuses them of being “clingy,” “needy” and “demanding.” Words that make me retch because it makes it sound that the woman herself is the desperate one.
I’ve already shared with you previously that people have told me before that my own relationship with boyfriend is going too fast, too soon.
I even wrote a blog post about it here. By the time we’ve been dating three months, people were already pressuring us to get married. So much so that we’ve started pre-engagement, pre-marital counseling!
It’s amazing that he has yet to run far, far away.
I know I would if I was him. Then again, our family’s usually the more commitment phobic ones in a relationship. 🙂
One thing about my boyfriend is that he’s weird about three things.
- Number one, he wants to spend everyday together. So much so that if we don’t spend it everyday together, somehow we get into stupid arguments.
- He wants me to be there when he’s out with his friends. Unlike some guys, there is no segmentation to work, girlfriend or friends. Whether or not he is going to a business meeting or having fun with the boys, he wants me to join him.
- And lastly, he doesn’t shy away from the baby, marriage, commitment talk. Heck, we are in pre-engagement, pre-marital counseling, remember?
Whereas my friends tell me just how lucky I am to find someone like him who isn’t afraid of commitment, I think it’s more of a symptom of the state on where the guy is in vs. me being lucky with my boyfriend.
Not that I don’t recognize just how lucky we are to be with each other. We are, don’t get me wrong.
But truth be told, if I came at an earlier date when he was in his 20s, when he wasn’t still done sowing his wild oats, when his shop has yet to attain a stable level, and when he still haven’t matured, I doubt the relationship would have gone as smooth as it is now.
Truth be told, I think I am just at the right place, and at the right time, with maybe, just maybe, the right guy. 🙂
If a guy is not yet ready, no matter what you do, you cannot really push a guy for more commitment. The more you push, the more he will back away. Because no one — guy or girl — want to be demanded a commitment of. They want to enter it in their own free will.
So if I met him earlier, I think he would be more cavalier about things. He wouldn’t push me more aggressively for more commitment. And he may think that there are more fishes in the sea, so if I cannot stand his crap and leave him, then sayonara b*tch.
Now in his mid-30s, he’s a lot more stable. More into commitment. And when a guy is more into commitment, it also spills over to his actions.
For example, he wants me more involved in his life. He wants me to share his happiness and fears. He wants me to be with him as he goes to the world in search of adventure.
He realizes I guess that some women are not easily replaceable. That you can find yourself another girl in a heart beat, but probably not in the package that I provide.
He probably also realizes that he wants children, and wants to do it the legal way. Not something out of the wedlock. And since wedding preparations and baby productions do take months, it’s best to ensure that the timeline is strictly followed. You can’t really enjoy children if you’re too old.
In summary, what am I rambling about?
What I am trying to say is, if a guy is shying away from you when you’re pushing for commitment, then probably you just have an incompatibility on what you want in a relationship. Maybe you are more into it than he is.
It doesn’t make you or him wrong. It doesn’t make you an aggressive, desperate woman. It does mean however that you are ready for a commitment earlier than he is.
It also means that if he cannot step up very quickly to the type of relationship you want, and may even deserve, then by all means, he may not actually be the right guy for you. 🙂
If that is the case, it’s best to go to each of your merry way. Him looking for some casual hookup somewhere out there, and you staying single until you find the right guy who’s worth your time, and is dying to spend more time with you.
I’ve never been a believer that love has to be forced. In Filipino, we say the word, “pilit.”
Love, or commitment, cannot really be forced. Either you want to, or not. Either he wants to or not. If both of you wants to then great, but if love is a one-way thing, then the relationship won’t last that long anyway. And it’s better to say your goodbyes before you get more hurt and waste more time.
“Bonita, you’re much stronger than me,” she moaned. “You can handle it.”
Maybe. But I think age has taught me not to force the issue. Experience has merely taught me to be more selfish in a relationship. If you are constantly unhappy with the relationship because he doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated, then maybe it’s not the right relationship to be in the first place.
Again, I don’t believe in chasing after a guy.
End all and be all, I am still a traditionalist. Despite being a very capable independent woman, my pride still indicates that it’s the guy who needs to make the move, to do the pursuing. It’s only through this that I know that he really wants to be with me, instead of me just forcing him to be there.
Hahaha, yes, I like it to make it slightly hard for the guy. And I sure am not apologetic for it.
Because yes, I know I am worth it, and if he makes me happy, I too will make him one of the happiest guys ever.
Have a great week everyone!