Okay, so I am one jealous chick.

There, I admit it.

It all started this weekend when Trader tells me that he has been exchanging chats with random people to get market rumors that will help him make the right trades.

All I heard was a name of a woman who was part of the chat and added him on Facebook, and there she blows.

Then, he mentions that we are going to mass and maybe having dinner with another mutual friend of ours in Hong Kong. Yes, he asked me first, but then again, when you’re insecure, all you can hear are red loud warning bells, and there she blows!

And yes, I am so ashamed. 🙁

I’m usually not the jealous one. Nor has my previous boyfriends showed their jealous heads.

Unfortunately, age, my ballooning hips (for the lack of exercise) and a few other insecurities pushed Mr. Green Eyed Monster up to the psyche. And given an unfortunate mix of my bad temper and the fact that we’re in a long distance relationship, I am admittedly a tad more sensitive about this.

Whereas before, I would just shrug the feelings off and say, “Bah, if he leaves, then go.” Now, I actually do give a care on what will happen.

Much to Trader’s amusement.

I think he’s enjoying it that I’m actually being affected, whereas he hasn’t been.

But then again, maybe this is how normal couples roll.

I remember when my ex-boyfriend refused to be jealous despite me going out five nights a week when I was in Taipei. I used to complain about him trusting me fully. My friends told me that maybe he just didn’t care enough.

Well, I care about Trader enough. Enough for me to lose my temper when he spends too much time talking to one girl, or partying with other women even if I know that it’s a larger group.

And it shames me still.

I really hope I can keep my jealousy in check. This is one bad Bonita whose head I don’t really want to see coming out so often. It really makes me look bad.

And it’s not as if Trader is in any way disloyal.

This is MY problem. Not his, unfortunately.

So how do you guys deal with your jealousies?