Illogical thoughts this evening

Life isn’t really that rosy with Trader. Not that he’s not great because he is (for example, everyone’s who seen his photo knows that he’s Mr. Nice Guy and is dying to introduce him to their single girlfriends), but maybe, everyone has their own quirks that we all need to take it.

For example, I don’t think I’m a terrific girlfriend. Quite the contrary, I’m a terrible girlfriend. 🙁

I drive Trader nuts because of my innate ability to ask a gazillion questions repeatedly.

For example, it annoys him sometimes that I ask him why he loves me. Guess that despite my confident outward appearance, a part of me is sure that he’d be way happier with a kuai kuai (dutiful) woman who doesn’t really ask questions and just doess whatever he says. It probably also frustrates me that I’m not as obedient and I don’t go home early as I should and have a close group of guy friends who I stay in touch with (though I swear, there’s no attraction there!).

Then again, he has qualities that irks me, though they’re not bad qualities per se.

Case in point, he has strong fiscal discipline and has to operate everything within a budget. Though this is very good for every future mother in law, it drives the actual girl he’s dating nuts.

All of my past ex-boyfriends had operated without thinking too much about money. If they wanted to fly to Hong Kong, then they will and then take me to a nice dinner at the Mandarin Grill. If they wanted to shower me with presents, they don’t have to do calculations ever so often, wondering if they need to cut back on this week’s expenses to be able to afford spending on me.

He’s also an early sleeper. Come 10:30pm, he’s already dead tired and ready to go zzzzzzz…. Whereas evenings like these are quite thrilling for me, and I can go on till around 1:30am-ish without any problems. When he sleeps, I feel ignored and that’s not great.

It irks me that he’s not here, and sleeping alone is a total bitch.

I’ve entered this relationship thinking that there’s a huge possibility that he’ll move to Hong Kong for me. To my dismay, plans do change and though I do respect and accept his decision, I am unhappy that we only get to see each other once every three weeks (Note: I’m not unhappy with his decision as I’m supportive, but rather hate the distance that forces us to see each other periodically).

Every woman also loves to be the center of their man’s life.

On the 3.5 months that we’ve been dating, though his earlier message promises worship, I found out that reality bites, and I have to share the attention with stock tickers, gym and other routines that he has to do.

So I’m an attention monger, so sue me.

I am also opinionated and sometimes, I need to learn how to be more considerate and give way. I don’t really give way as much and from what he tells me, it seems that he’s a lot more understanding than I am. Unfortunately, I inherited more traits from my selfish dad than my loving mom, and hence, it does put a damper on every relationship I’ve been with.

Hence, I question our relationship on whether he’s really that happy with me. My dad thinks I’m unmarriageable for reasons too many to count. The last time he was here for a visit, he said that I needed to tone down my personality a little bit or never afford to get married. Most guys he said wouldn’t really deal with my crap and even if I get married, there’s a huge likelihood that I’ll get divorced.

And this is my dad we’re talking about.

I don’t know what I’m babbling about.

I’m very lonely and I want Trader by my side. A lot of our issues nowadays stem from his not being here, and it makes me grumpy. When I’m grumpy then he becomes grumpy and vice versa. When he’s tired and he needs to sleep, I lack attention and it gets grumpy.

What the hell am I talking about?

I should count myself extremely lucky to land someone like Trader. Doubtful that I’ll ever find anyone who’s as considerate and unconditionally loving as he is. Nonetheless, his not being here doesn’t really help out a lot and it frustrates me when he’s not here, which is btw beyond both of our control.

Like right now, he’s sleeping. He fell asleep. But the issue is, when we talk, I don’t really want to say goodbye.

Life was a lot more cheery when I was single. I didn’t really give a f*ck on what other people thought and I kept my independence. Sure, I was also equally lonely and it wasn’t as if anybody was beside me to keep me company, but then again, these things were beyond my control and if someone slept on you, it didn’t really pull your heartstrings and things were quite dandy still.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m stupid enough to screw this great relationship up.

With my neurotic, control-freak, attention whore self, shit. Maybe I am that stupid to fuck this up.

Off my soapbox. Over and out.

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2 thoughts on “Illogical thoughts this evening

  1. uh…… i disagree… a marriage…a relationship… the two people in the relationship should accept the other for who they are and how they are built……. trust is earned over time. you have been dating for 3 months… you should be asking questions…. it takes time for trust to grow to the point where you can let the other take the lead… dutiful? come on…seriously?

    there are lots of ways to be dutiful…. cooking meals and staying home at night having breakfast ready in the morning… or getting those ferragamos cause he needs a pair or arranging for him to meet your friends on a easy night out…. lots of ways to be a good girlfriend/wife….

    as a strong independent career woman, you should know this…

    believe in yourself.


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