The Tale of Two Men

These days, I am enjoying the far too much the attention of two men. For a person who keeps on asking the readers of her blog if a guy’s interested, it’s a bit of a surprise when I can say with some certainty that a guy IS.

The signs are all there — when a guy likes you, you’ll basically know. He’ll call at random times, keep in touch and remember minute details of conversations without you even asking him to. He’ll be quite sweet, practically shower you with attention and treat you as if you’re God’s best gift to men.

Yes, I’ve felt these feelings before, albeit with my ex-boyfriend who practically swept me off my feet. He showered me with so much attention that I swooned and fell to his arms though if I may admit, quite quickly. And you know how THAT ended. It was the time when I was new to Hong Kong, lonely and very much missing him, and he did the slow disappear (that jerk).

Well, that was almost five months ago.

Today, I’m a lot more content to where my life is in Hong Kong. Sure, I may not be as pleased with my job prospects and general market sentiment, and I wish that my colleague could stop being a unstable biatch who blows up whenever she feels upset, but heck, it was a lot better than when I first came. At the very least, have been regaining my footing and at least, I found a few good friends.

And with regards to Guy 1, who else but my ex-boyfriend has started calling me back again?

Are you drunk dialing me?” I teased him when he called this week. “I notice that when you drink, you call me!”

“Noooo, I’m not drunk at all,” he insisted. “I just felt the need to call you!”

My ex-guy does not live in Hong Kong and we’ve had our relationship long-distance. When I was in Taiwan, he used to call around 2-3 times a week. When he was still pursuing me, he would keep in contact with such intensity that a message to him, would get a message almost immediately back.

We’e enjoyed our puns and teases all too much, and he has this uncanny ability to make me smile given his very witty responses. I think I have the same effect too, and his colleagues had commented that they knew he would be talking to me (when he calls me during his lunch hour) because he’d forget where he is and rattle off, obviously enjoying the conversation a little bit too much.

But then again, all the enjoyment and smiles that I have don’t really counter the hurt I felt when he just stopped calling. The first week he didn’t call, I thought it was merely because he was on vacation in the alps and it was too inconvenient to do so. But at the end of the slow second week, I knew.

It was the end.

For some unique reason, that was the closure I needed. Three weeks went by and then four before he even gave me a call again. An entire month, my friends, of your boyfriend not calling you! So by that time, I’ve already felt that we’ve moved on. We drifted apart and it was over.

In the next coming months, we would at times talk. Circumstances force us to do so.  We mutually understood that our relationship was over, hence, the tapered conversations. And yet, all of these calls though seemingly random were enjoyed by both parties and allowed us to keep a civil relationship despite removing the elements of a relationship.

Does he still like me? I’d like to think so.

Chemistry is such a wonderful thing and we have strong bursts of these. And I have no doubts that if there was a girl in his life, that should be me at one of its forefronts.

However, the question lies is, is it enough to stay in a relationship? Will this work in the long term?

Objectively-speaking, no.

Our lives are too complicated for us to be together. It just won’t work from what I see, without some huge sacrifices in both of our parts. Sure, its great to deal with him when things are light and breezy but relationships also require some commitment, and unfortunately, ours would require HUGE bouts of it to make it work.

Don’t ask me how or why I know, but yes, this is a relationship that requires huge effort from both parties. It’s just a question of whether we like each other THAT MUCH to make it work.

As for Guy 2, he’s come in the picture recently. Let’s call him Trader because that’s what he does.

Most of you have correctly guessed that the guy who called me long-distance was quite interested. And btw, did you know that each minute of a certain plan costs HKD2 a minute? Anyway, he’s taken advantage of that to make cheaper calls to Hong Kong.

Anyway, before I veer off and digress even further, yes, Trader seems to be interested, and quite so.

The good/bad thing about Trader is that he’s not as cocky as my ex-boyfriend. Whereas my ex could easily make my blood boil (in a good way) given his intellectual naughtiness, Trader is as straight as an arrow and is quite endearing given his innocence and naivete on certain things. He says what he means, and he means what he says.

On our first conversation, he made me feel that he wanted to get to know ME better. He asked questions on my stance about mid-term goals, on family, on whether I was a dog or cat person. Don’t ask me why but I felt that he wanted to get to know me, instead of randomly shooting off whatever topic our conversation led us to which was what exactly happened with the ex-boyfriend.

Funny, despite my being in a relationship with me, I doubt that ex-boyfriend actually understands the idiosyncrasies that made me, me.  For all our long conversations on the phone, he asked me about what happened at work, about my friends’ stories and I’d regale him on what funny things happened when I went out.

But come to think of it, he didn’t really ask me anything about myself. 🙁

To this day, I probably wouldn’t be surprised if ex-boyfriend doesn’t know that I have half-siblings, want my coffee with a dash of nutmeg, a dog person if I had a chance, doesn’t like to do the laundry and all the little details that make me neurotic and wonderful depending on who you ask.

Sure, he’d know about the macro issues on where I work, what my hobbies are, how I feel about my parents. But minute details such as what I’ve mentioned meant less important to him. He had his own life to live, so in a way, it wasn’t a priority of his to be bothered by the small things that bother me.

Maybe Trader (Guy 2) is infatuated which is why he’s extra caring, but deep inside, I really believe that this is who he is. I think that for the lucky girl who does end up to be with him, she’ll be happy to find that he’s Mr. Super Dependable. He’s the guy who’ll give way to a girl because it makes her happy and enjoy her company even though you’re really not doing anything.

With Ex-boyfriend, I feel that I need to do something fun and exciting to keep his interested. With Trader, I feel as if I can just stand there and he’s comfortable just being by my side. And once he’s committed, he’s as content being with you and not with anything else.

With Ex-boyfriend, I feel that he’s only with me because I am entertaining to be with. With Trader, I feel he wants to be with me just because he likes me, just the way I am.

Admittedly, his being Mr. Reliable make Trader a bit boring, but we’ll just ramble about that in another post.

This brings me to a bit of a dilemma.

I will be visiting these two boys very soon (remember about long distance relationships), and both are just happy as a penny. Ex-boyfriend had upped up his call intensity, and would definitely want to hook up meet up once again. Guess that five months could be such a long time.

Trader is hoping to spend time with me and is willing to take me around. With him, our slate is clean and I think it’s promises to be a pretty clean trip.

So what do you think?

Should I spend time with the Ex,or with Trader? I only have very limited time there and I can only have one or both to choose.

A poll has been created for you — let me know what you guys think, and I’ll keep that into consideration during my trip there. Oooo, Saturday morning! Hope everyone has a great weekend and really sorry that life has been too hectic for me to post. Hope this long one helps a bit!

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13 thoughts on “The Tale of Two Men

  1. For me to help you decide is to tell you to ask yourself who makes you happy or happier and makes your heart flutter. Spending time with a person is worthwhile if you’re just happy being with that person.

  2. Ex-boyfriend can make my heart flutter. Trader will surely make me happier just because he likes me more.

    Now what?

  3. Oh yeah! i called it haha. I was actually in a very similar position as your ex…i think. There was a girl who doesn’t live where I live and when we were together, we would tease each other a lot and have fun. But when I moved back, I slowly stopped trying to contact her. It wasn’t because I didn’t like her, but I guess I realized that the more I thought about her, the less I was enjoying and living in the present. We both had our own separate lives and there wasn’t any point in continuing to contact her when it wouldn’t work out any time soon. I would just miss her. So I think I can empathize with your ex on some level, and think you’re judging him a little prematurely when you say he isn’t that committed and just wants to be with you because he finds you exciting. He was interested, but both of you weren’t in a relationship yet, so it wouldn’t really be appropriate to continuously contact you when there was no relationship and he was living so far away. It would actually be desperate and needy of him to do so. I don’t know if he can be commited, but I think that you can’t judge him until there is a relationship. It sounds like you’re leaning towards Trader, and you definitely have the best sense of who you want to be with, but i think it’s important to be completly honest with yourself when looking at these things. Going for Trader is easier and safer: you know he likes you, he seems very committed…but do you really like him? Don’t go for him just because he is commited to you and it’s easier…..I would rather risk failure being in a relationship with someone I really wanted to over succeed being in a relationship with someone I didn’t realy like that much. I think chemistry is very important and the whole point of relationships is to enjoy being with one another and have fun. You said when you were with your ex, he made your “blood boil” and hurt you, but I think that’s a good sign, be cause it showed that you do really care about him. It may sound like I prefer Ex more, but that’s not the case….I think it’s because I can relate to him more that I’m speaking more from his perspective. Maybe Trader is the one…..commitment is also important but I think you want it to be with someone that you really do want to be with…..Maybe none of them are the right one…..I definitely suggest seeing both to make your decision.
    On a separate issue, I actually found your blog because I was interested in Taiwan, not for relationships….but i guess you don’t live there anymore. Do you regret going to HK? Do you believe that working environment is a non factor as long as you have potential to grow and improve career wise?

  4. Oh yeah…and long distance relationships are hard….but if both of you are willing to make the sacrafices, then it’ll make your relationship strong…but I guess another thing oyu have to look at with ex is if you are willing to sacrafice for him and if you think he will sacrafice for you as well… should put in work in relationships, but it’s also hard to tell when it is too much work…i don’t know. i’m just rambling haha.

  5. Funnily, I thought everyone choose riskier options simply because of the writing distance – i.e. no one is experiencing what you are feeling personally so they could feel compelled to take risks for you. I’d think that those who are going through it personally would almost always pick the “safer” option. But so did all the voters. I’m rambling about psychology too much, I know 🙂


    p.s. if you haven’t already, I recommend seeing the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Not only is it an incredibly awesome movie that deserves its Oscar, but you might find it has some similarities with your thoughts and maybe even answers 🙂

  6. Anonymous7, Ex- and I were in a relationship and dated for a few months. Just didn’t work out that’s all and he lost interest and stopped calling. Hence, without a future, we couldn’t stay together so we stopped. Nonetheless, it’s a relief to know that there may be other reasons why he stopped, maybe just because we’re in two different places and it was just too difficult for him. As for Trader, I haven’t decided yet so we’ll see when I visit him next.

    With HK, yes, in lonely and depressing days especially at work, I do harbour some regrets in coming here. However, life is all about change, and I already knew many things about Taiwan and wasn’t growing. Hence, I had to get away from my comfort zone and be somewhere new. Doesn’t have to be HK but it would’ve been hard for me to just stay in Taiwan. So in the end, though HK living can be tough and ridiculously expensive, I still think I’ve made the right choice. Not really by career but also growth-wise. We have to move forward, not back.

    Lastly, with LDRs, I think it’s all about the person and how much he likes you. Today, while having tea, my friend said, “You’re not getting the point Bonita. When a guy likes you, he doesn’t care where you live, what you are, or how old you are. If he likes you, he’ll come and get you.”

    In a limited sense, I found that to be absolutely true.

  7. I liked Vicki Christina Barcelona, DS but why would you think that I could relate mostly to it. I’m definitely not a Viki nor a Christina so it’s quite interesting to know your take on it. Let me know! Though I agree, its quite a nice movie! 🙂

    Lastly, am a bit perplexed. Not that I disagree, but why did all the voters choose to go with Trader and NOT with Ex? Funny huh!

  8. I think I was reminded of Vicky Cristina Barcelona because you used the description “Mr. Reliable” and it was all about the choice between reliability and intensity (which also ended up as “ex” there. Details.).

    Similarities stop there as you said. Maybe your situation is not a choice at all, as in the future both of these guys could turn out to be completely different from how you see them today.

    This is posessive, but not calling someone for a month is just not ok for a relationship. It’s how you treat an unimportant acquitance. Unless someone was terminally ill or had a traffic accident or something, it’s just a horrible thing to do.
    There _are_ relationships where people take a month off to get some personal space and it works, but that’s after they’ve been together for years and they need that. And even then, it shouldn’t happen just so without a word.

    As much as my point is anti-ex, anonymous7 summed it up the best:
    “he seems very committed…but do you really like him?”. I’d also add that he knows you better than your ex now, but do you know him?

    p.s. I know it’s totally unrelated to this but I was curious, are movies in Hong Kong synchronized, with actors’ voices in local language, or they’re left in their original state? How about in Taiwan?

  9. lol…i thought that you and ex were in relationship, but when i started writing the comment, i forgot….i guess i forgot ex stood for ex boyfriend and sortve projected my own experience instead…….also, his actions sounded like someone that was interested, instead of an actual relationship….with the suddenly stopping contact and starting to talk to you again….i’m surprised you can still talk to him normally after that……..but yeah, since you were in a relationship with him, that is messed up on his part. I was tryiing to say that trader isnt necessarily the right choice just because he seems so commited to you. I noticed that you wrote a lot about how commited he was to you but you never really wrote how you felt about him. Whereas with ex, you acknowledged that there was chemistry and you got along….with the witty comments and teasing…..I believe that whoever you choose, you should choose them based on how much you like them, not necessarily how much they like you……and good luck to whichever one you do choose……
    hmm….about growing as an individual, i definitely agree….life is about living up to your potential in all aspects and constantly improving yourself. So after you get used to HK, are you going to move again? By constantly moving, is it possible to maintain any relationship or get comfortable living anywhere? And about the “if he likes you, he’ll come get you” I’m sure sometimes it is true, but I find that it is untrue in a lot of situations. The attitude you have of “if he likes me, then good, and if not, next” is also the same mentality as a lot of guys. Guys who a lot of girls desire (handsome, smart, tall, funny…) have a lot of options and won’t go way out of their way to chase someone because they can always get someone else. I really think movies and society has brainwashed us to believe that guys in love will do anything to be with the woman they love, but in reality, this is not true. The behavior is needy and desperate and I think most guys who do act this way are less desired and don’t have a lot of options, or are inexperienced. But this in no way justifies your ex’s behavior. I don’t think what he did was right.

  10. Thank you Anonymous7 and that’s very good to hear somebody else say that doing the disappearing act is NOT cool.

    That said, we often wonder, do we end up with those we love, or those who love us more? Hmmm…

  11. “What now?” You asked. Just think of who respects you and treat you FAIR and WELL.

    I hope by now you’ve already made your decision. And lastly, do you think the ‘ex’ deserves your kindness after his disappearance?

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