Beauty and sex appeal can be a curse.

Back in the Philippines, there was a popular rap song when I was younger. The chorus rang, “Humanap ka ng panget at ibigin mo ng tunay (Find somebody ugly to love and love him/her truly).” The song’s message was, if you ever want happiness, you have to find someone who wasn’t physically desirable because he/she would never be stolen away from you and because nobody will give them a chance, they’ll make every effort to make you happy.

I’ve never been considered a beauty. In fact, as many of you may know, I hold the title of being the ugliest baby in my neighborhood when I was born. I was so ugly that I was “cute.” My father even joked that I needed to study harder so I can make enough money to be self-sufficient because hell if any guy would ever support me. Beauty was never my strong point.

In Taiwan however, I’ve been quite (un)fortunate to be seen as attractive by a few aspiring suitors. I’ve stopped exercising religiously but managed to keep adequately fit to be seen as “sexy.” It’s not difficult to get stares from the opposite sex. Clothes hang well on me that it was difficult to return a dress back in the rack just because it suited me.

However, it was also a double edged sword.

Men easily objectified me. Simply said, I brought out the caveman response in many men. One acquaintance said that I had a stare that would make guys feel that I could tire them out in bed (might I say, it was not from his personal experience as from his overactive imagination). My boyfriend said he loves my kissable lips.

It was something that bothered me. I had conversations with friends before. “Why can’t they get past the looks and just focus on the other parts instead? I do have brains and competent at work.” They advised that I start wearing dumpy clothes and stop looking after myself. “See if they’ll lust after you if you look fugly.”

But I wear makeup and clothes that fit me for myself. When I look good, I have the confidence to go out and face the world. I can do my best at work. When I’m at a party and I know I am adequately dressed, I feel good. In a way, why would I sabotage myself unnecessarily?

My boyfriend appealed to me because he said that he was attracted to me even before he met me. “If you were fat, I would’ve still asked you out,” he said. My friends are more doubtful. They think he would’ve asked me out once, but there wouldn’t be a repeat performance. “In the end, men are stsill animals,” they warned.

However, I’ve noticed recently how much he’s focused on my looks. He praises me physically and rates me up the stars, but wonder if it’s actually me that he wants than how appealing I am on the outside. Can I blame him though? It’s not as if I am not physically unappealing… but it irks me how much he likes this part of me.

What am I to do?

My friend the Actress thinks I should stop bitching and just enjoy the attention. She unfortunately do not savor these attention from the opposite sex. In fact, her problem is that guys do not see her as a sex object. At most, she is seen as a buddy. “I want to ooze sexuality, DAMNIT1″ she screamed.

The thing is, once you do ooze sexuality, how can you filter the right men from the wrong? Historically, I may easily attract the cutest, wealthiest, most successful guys. But heck, not all that looks in paper is actually that appealing in real life. “They will use you, and abuse you… and afterwards, they will dump you,” one feminist said.

Luckily for me, I’ve had huge filters on letting a guy get close to me. Sure, I’ve been accused of being a flirt but when all is said am done, am still that innocent good girl who goes home alone after a night out of town. Those who cannot wait, can just find the next easier conquest and I don’t freaking care. And there’s a lot of eligible men that fall on the wayside, because they can’t wait. Big deal.

My friend asks me what I want in a guy. I answer, “Someone decent… who makes me happy and loves me for who I am.” Is that too hard to ask though? I don’t think that men are complete animals. That would be faulty generalization. Nonetheless, am at wit’s end.

So what can I do? How can I find someone who will truly love me for me? Do I need to gain weight, wear frumpy clothes and just as ugly as I can to have just that? Let me know what you think…