Dear Diary,

Honestly speaking, if I wanted to get married, I am sure that I’d be engaged within 3 months. Call me full of myself (I sometimes am), but sometimes, you meet someone and you just know — this guy wants to marry you. The only issue is, you’re not sure you /want this guy to be your boyfriend, more less marry this guy for life!

I met such a guy a few days ago during my vacation. We were part of the tour. I went alone, and so did he. But then again, there were quite a few singles in the whole group.

However, from the moment we boarded the tour bus, he sat down next to me saying, “Is it okay if I sit with you? I don’t like to sit alone?” Little did I know that there were a handful of people sitting alone in the back as well. Since I was in the front, I couldn’t have seen so I agreed. I think the only difference was that I was younger, and though not any prettier, maybe that just set me apart.

My god, how can anybody be infatuated with someone so fast, so soon? I’ve been told I’m a “mei nu” (pretty woman) by some , but heck, I doubt that am THAT attractive!

He pampered me to death.

He insisted to pay for everything.

He wanted to buy me expensive gifts, and I think he actually did!

He constantly asked me questions even though I’ve pretended I was reading (well, actually, I wanted to catch up on my reading).

He tried to speak English even though it wasn’t his strongest language.

He tried to impress me by sharing with me his philosophies in life.

Call me mean, but I was a bit annoyed for being treated like an 8 year old.

He continually asked me if I was cold, offered his jacket for warmth even though I told him I wasn’t.

He bought me drinks when I told him that I wasn’t thirsty, and tried to get me to drink them when I told him no.

He went after my phone charger even though I explicitly told him that I could get it myself.

He wanted to pay even though he only had USDs and I told him that I could very well afford it.

And boy, he liked to ask questions! In the car, in the boat, while eating, in the plane, and even when I was asleep! A girl would’ve been flattered, but I think it was so much overdone. 🙁

Is this how Taiwanese guys woo women?!

My girlfriend thinks I’m a stubborn ass — Come on, she says. Give the guy a break. If a guy treats you well, you give him a hard time.

Guilty as charged, but come on, for someone who is 37 years old, please don’t let me push you around. Do NOT sit when you think I want to sit. Do NOT talk when you think that’s the way I’d want you to talk. PLEASE, have your own strong opinions and stand tall. Be confident.

Confidence is a turn-on for me, and the lack of it, is so much a turn-off.

Maybe you just want jerks, my girlfriend charged. She cited guys who treated me like crap and I still pined for them. There were Michan, Aussie guy and Ex #2. Maybe you’re sadomasochistic?

But how can you be attracted to someone who lets you push them around? Not that I intentionally pushed him around, but I want somebody who’d stand tall regardless on where the wind blows. Mind you, I treated him with politeness, civility and friendliness (though not too much lest he may get the wrong idea), and was no way was I a b*tch, but will you condone me for not liking him back?

He’s nice, my girlfriend would say.

Sure, and so are a lot of guys in the world. I would reply back. Does that mean I’d marry them?

Big sigh, not that he’s not good marriage material — he has a stable job, a pretty stable personality and life would him would be oh-so-boring with kids to rear, a small house, and a stable income.

Maybe I’m still holding off for something better?

There should be something better out there, right?

It’s not about settling for whomever is available. It’s about finding someone who complements you, maybe not ideally, but someone you can see as an equal — not a pushover.

My best friend DC gets it right when he said, “That’s good…. well, he’s local though. You’re right. Don’t go there. You & I both aren’t meant to be with locals.”

Maybe it’s a cultural barrier then?

“Well he’s trying, so I’d gotta give him credit for that,” DC opines. “Oh man, have you been pushing him around already? =)”

“But you know how locals are. They take care of their gfs in a way that they provide the gfs with a lot of leeway,” DC continued. “So sometimes the gfs are just walking all over the guy hehe. Hum, not a desirable trait i think. But, hum, i’m sure it’s not a good fit from what i’ve heard from you so far =D Maybe if i check back with you a wk later he’ll be gone already?”

“Doesn’t seem like the type of guy you would want to get involved with,” he concludes.

Sheesh — history shows never for me to reject a guy outright because I tend to regret it afterwards.

That’s what happened after I unintentionally crushed Mich’s and Aussie guy’s ego to pieces. But sometimes, when a guy gives me too much pressure by coming on too strong, am afraid to lead him on and just nip the budding romance (or so he thinks) in the bud so I can have some piece.

Sigh, he’s emailed me — now shall I reply or not?

That guy can’t really take a hint that I’m not interested. Before we departed, he thinks that am so different because I have opinions about politics, economics and culture. I think most of the women that he’s met in his whole 37 years are only preoccupied with shopping, KTV and movies. Argh, as if there is life in frivolity and practicality. 🙁

Admittedly, it is flattering, but I feel trapped in a corner. As if I need to reciprocate because he’s nice. Is that how it should be?

But honestly speaking, all I need to do is give a sign and I swear, I’d probably be locked, shut and married by the end of this year, with babies by the next.

But is that what I really want?

A stable life, a good husband and father, and a couple of youngins running around?

Maybe it’s because I’m still young, but I think that the world still needs to be explored, to be traveled in. I think there is more to life than just a stable job and raising kids for 20 years.

I haven’t really lived yet.

Maybe I’d regret it 40 years from now. When am old and shriveled and surrounded by pathetic cats, maybe I’d look back and say, “I wish I married that man.”

But life needs to be lived. It’s not time yet.

So is this being mean? If so, I plead guilty even though I haven’t treated him with any disrespect or so.

Or maybe am just thinking too much and I’ll just revisit this issue if he’s still around by the week-end.

Or maybe, just maybe, I complicate my life unnecessarily.

It does make life more interesting, doesn’t it?

Gotta sleep, this babe needs her beauty rest.

Today’s been exhausting and I’ll tell you guys why in a bit.

Night, night,

Raven