Still hurting but alive…

I’m still hurting, but I feel a lot better today. I guess, spending some quality time with your boyfriend does help a bit and an hour or so with a good friend will definitely cheer you up.

To respect the privacy of people involved, I’m still mum on what happened, and thanks for not asking. I’ll just tell you guys as soon as I’m ready… gosh, it’s kinda hard though because am a typical Libran. Meaning, I have to talk it over to get it out of my system.

Frankly, I don’t know where I am going. I’m lost.

My boyfriend calls it being “in-between worlds.

I’m sick and tired of the constant change. My friends, my life, they all change in a span of a year! I don’t think people back home have that much excitement in their lives. The last time I went home, nothing really changed.

It amazes me on how much I’ve changed in the span of the three years I’ve been here. What’s funnier is that though I have the support of my friends and family, I’ve basically changed on my own.

I saw my life go from being a student to a person with a job… from a regular person to organization leader… from deciding to which restaurant to eat in everyday to which big-ass project am going to implement.

Likewise, I’ve seen people come and go…

My best friends Siv has gone back to Australia… my Japanese friends have left… friends who have stayed are busy with their own respective lives…

My friends, I make them… and then I lose them.

Often in a span of a year.

And because I am so involved with my friends and because I care for them a lot, I get hurt.

Gosh, I’m so tired of being hurt. 🙁

I… am… just… so… tired…

I yearn for that stability, but I don’t have it. I don’t belong back home in the Philippines anymore cause I’ve changed so much. But at the same time, people here look at me as a foreigner.

I don’t belong anywhere anymore.

It’s exciting, but sometimes, you just wish it would be nice if you belonged somewhere. And in life there are no guarantees. One day, you think that you belong, but the next day, that dream bubble pops and you realize you’re just living a dream.

In reality, you’re all alone.

I’m sorry for unburdening all my pessimistic attitude today… I’m usually very happy and optimistic. You guys all know that.

But right now, I don’t have the strength.

After trying and trying to find where you belong, and thinking that you finally found it, you realize that no… it’s not really there.

Hope burst is awfully painful.

And regardless, hope is very important. It’s what keeps us going even when the going gets tough.

But I don’t have hope anymore. It disappeared last weekend.

Sometimes, you ask if it’s better if you were fat, dumb and stupid, living in a dream world. At least, you can be happy. Knowing what I know now, sometimes, I realize that I don’t want to know the truth if it hurt this much. But it’s inevitable. The truth will raise its ugly head somehow, and it’s better to prepare for it and gradually deal with it, than to be caught off-guard.

Heavy sigh.

Why does life have to hurt so much?!


On happier news, I promised you guys updates on my exciting weekend. And indeed, it was exciting.

On Saturday, I went with six other friends to the Bah Hsien Waterpark (Formosa Fun Coast) near Bali. It was SO MUCH FUN!!! We climbed up and slid down the water slides, boarded air tubes and swam around the park. I laughed so hard and had so much fun I thought my lungs would burst.

Afterwards, we ate dinner in an aboriginal restaurant and saw fireworks being lit in the air. It was absolutely beautiful. We capped the wonderful evening by having coffee at Starbucks.

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I joined a company sponsored trip. We first went to Yeliu, which is a national park full of natural formed rocks in Jeelung. It was my third, and his second time there so we just enjoyed the view and talked.

Then, we went river tracing.

For those unfamiliar with the sport, river tracing involves walking on the side of or on the river. It’s muddy, dirty and tiring, but is truly an experience. To cap off the event, we climbed a waterfall in YangMing mountain. Good thing I took indoor wallclimbing classes because that helped me climb up faster, despite huge bullets of water smashing on your face.

So that’s my exciting weekend.

Gosh, so funny how so many good and bad things can happen over the span of two days…

C’est La Vie!

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4 thoughts on “Still hurting but alive…

  1. I’d rather have the joy than the anguish. I’d rather be happy than sad.

    Do we need to feel sadness and pain, so that we can appreciate the good things in life?

  2. If you’ve really never felt pain, then how would you know what real joy is? You prefer joy because you know what pain is like. That is a good thing. People must grow. You are growing. That is so much better than going through life indifferent to what is happening around them.

  3. A friend of mine said the same thing last week, “How can you know what happiness is like without pain? It’s because there is pain that you appreciate the good things when they come.”

    I said: “Can I just have the happiness without pain? Do I need to get hurt to be happy?” 🙂

    But yes, it’s a learning experience. Hurts like hell, but you’re stronger for it. Thanks for leaving a comment Vern!

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