This question was posed to us earlier today, “What do you do if you hate your daughter’s boyfriend?”
My Chinese sister-in-law and her Australian husband shared that their strategy was to be open to their child so as to remove the “forbidden” aspect. I guess, they are just taking care that something would be as forbidden to be very appealing.
In Tagalog, we say, “Masarap ang bawal,” or “What is forbidden is attractive.” My sister-in-law just want to remove that stigma and to ensure what is forbidden fast loses its appeal.
“We will not discriminate against race,” they said. “We are color blind parents.”
To be honest, we are a lot less open-minded than our in-laws. Despite my 10 years overseas and having a lot of foreign friends, I still feel that race and culture are things to factor in when choosing a life partner.
This is a sour note for us especially since brother-in-law is WHITE.
So the white brother-in-law pointedly asked my husband, “What place are you willing to allow for God’s hand in preparing the husband for Daughter that may not match your box for her?”
“I will not impose my own view over God’s clearly communicated and supported choice, even if it clashes with my own preference,” he added. “This is the situation that Pop and Ma was faced with me. I was not inside their thinking for (Husband’s sister). If your family efforts had been successful to smash and bash me and get rid of me, then (Husband’s sister) and me would not be and neither would (Daughter’s name).”
“So I react very very emotionally when I read your words,” finished off our Australian Brother-in-Law. “They stir me up.”
Brother-in-Law then continues to say he was thankful that my husband did not try to bash him up because my husband would have definitely succeeded and sent him away for a long while.
This conversation is particularly interesting for me because I have very clear views on the subject. More than the race, the bigger question is, How much would I Meddle in my Daughter’s Love Life?
MY ANSWER: IF I DON’T LIKE HIM, I WILL STOP THEM.
I wanted to react and say my piece, but my husband warned me off saying that it’s not a topic where there is a clear winner or loser, so one must best shut up.
However, I cannot help but add my piece here. I sincerely believe it.
At my current state, I will stop my daughter from making an obvious wrong choice.
I will not make it go too far and will stop it before it gets serious. In a way, I love her that much to let her hate me if she knew what I was doing. I hope and pray I will not be forced to do that to her, and that problem would be avoided if she doesn’t choose someone who is obviously wrong for her.
How do I know he is wrong for her? There’s that “kwa lang” (how to read people) skill which we hope to hone by the time Daughter is at marrying age comes in.
In fairness to Brother-in-Law, I don’t think Husband would have given you a hard time. There’s being a Christian, being sincere to Sister-in-Law, and seeing how beautiful she is inside and out. However, there are guys that are just plain wrong. There’s the drug addicts, the gold diggers, the sexual deviants, etc. If he is wrong, he is wrong.
If he is wrong for her, and you know it will be a train wreck, how can we let her make that mistake and do nothing? I will not stand by because she says it’s God’s choice for her. Maybe it’s not God’s, but actually hers pretending to be God’s.
Right now, I cannot stand it. I will try to stop it. But I will be there to pick up the pieces if she stubbornly insists her way and comes back crying, baby and all. But I will do everything in my power to stop her. Hopefully God is good and will protect us so such instinct will not come out.
I do not care if my daughter hates me for trying to stop her from pursuing the one she loves. If I really believe it’s the wrong choice for her, I will STOP her.
I have already told my husband how I will do so. And my conscience is clear while I do it.
I really just hope and pray that I will never come to the point where I have to show my hand and show my will. Anyway, if they fight for each other and the guy truly shows his sincerely, I get a better son-in-law who loves my daughter even more since he actually fought to deserve her.
I can always love him back one day. A mother cannot help but love who loves her offspring.
But if he just wants to break her heart, beware. He has this mom to contend with.
Have a good week ahead!
