I am at Day 4 of my breakup, and I write you today to update you guys on how I’ve been.
On Day 0, I was totally unaware that the breakup would happen. As you know, Trader and I had a pretty stable long-distance relationship. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, which couple haven’t, but the main point is that through all the changes ongoing with our lives, we have always worked it out.
Unfortunately, this thing happen and I will not share with you guys in depth what happened. In a way, it doesn’t really matter anyway since we are over. However, I was truly caught unaware and we shed our tearful goodbyes (more his tears than mine) before logging off from Skype almost from the last time.
Trader had been my rock and my strength throughout these years. He has in a way, been my best friend. He knows everything that’s been happening and I loved him for that.
So on Day 0, we broke up at 2am my time, which was awful since I spent till 5:30 am trying to understand what happened and getting solace from my online friends. Thank goodness for the time lag. At least, people from Hong Kong, South Africa, China, and Taiwan offered their best wishes and comfort.
When I woke up on Day 0, I was just numb. I couldn’t believe that I was broken up. I didn’t have any energy to do anything but stay in bed.
However, I had a whole day class to go to. And you know me, I don’t like missing class even though I had valid reasons to do so. So I put on my makeup, my hat and went to class. The whole six hours of it. And I was okay.
By the end of class, I was again a complete mess. I called up my 911 and met up with two friends, who had the unluckiness of being with me at my worst. I cried, hugged, and just moaned. I complained, forgave and just cried and cried and cried. I had uncontrollable tears. I just felt the need to cry.
My guy friend though he wasn’t enjoying the experience was having a ball. It’s not every day that a friend would hug him this tightly. My girl friend was helpful. In the end, it was important that I had two people listening to me moan and groan. I wasn’t alone thinking suicidal thoughts, and I had company. At least, I don’t hurt myself.
I also had people to talk to. People I trust and can bounce ideas with as I wallow in self-pity. For example:
– Is it my fault (not really – sometimes this just happens)?
– Does he love me (yes he did, but that’s the past. You’re broken up now so who cares)?
– Is there another third party (probably not)?
– Was I a bitch (maybe, but you’ve been consistently a bitch for the last 2.5 years. It wasn’t something that would’ve broke the straw off the camel’s back)?
– Can I still get him back (why – he doesn’t deserve you if he doesn’t want you)?
– How do I recover (get distracted, stay busy, and just think about you)?
– Can I still get him back (no, so just concentrate on how not to make mistakes on the next one)?
– I think I’m a loser (no you’re not – you’re beautiful, smart with a great personality. Any guy would want you)?
– I’m probably going to be single forever (eeeh, be single for now but you’ll be fine)!
– Can I still find love? Can I still trust men (yes, just leave it to fate. He’ll come when you least expect it!)
This went on the whole afternoon and evening till I was exhausted. Since I didn’t get enough sleep, I spent the night at my girl friend’s house.
On Day 1, I awake dialed Trader. Yes, my now-ex. My gosh, it was so embarrassing but when I woke up, I needed him. I wanted him to be with me. This need was so unexplainable and it was just something I knew I had to do even though I knew it wasn’t very healthy for me.
I was spent, didn’t have energy to work. For a workaholic, this was awful especially since I was going through recruitment. I couldn’t go through interviews or applications with puffy eyes and an unbalanced mindset. I was going crazy and I needed some stability.
Yes, I knew that No Contact was the best way to go and forget and move on with your lives. But on Day 1, I wasn’t strong. I couldn’t help it. So I called Trader.
He did answer, my good man. Of course he did. He didn’t want to look like a jerk. But if you’re asking if we’re going to get back together? We’re not. It’s over. But we decided to keep the lines of communication open at least for my sake.
Then after I finished feeling awful, I called my brother and mom, who gave me the right amount of comfort I needed. I felt a lot better and walked around the day feeling numb, sad, and miserable. From a physical standpoint, I wanted to puke. But otherwise, I was okay. Even more so when I talked to my landlady when she got back.
Talking really helps on a breakup.
Day 2 was about being busy – I had to prepare for an interview, go to class and attend a company talk at Canary Wharf. I still had my doubts, I was still a bit sad but the recovery is going very well. I did not cry anymore.
Day 3 was about letting go. I had lunch with a friend who gave me even more comfort and answered questions that were in my head. Then I went to the Windsor and got totally smashed.
I drank around 1,100 ML of beer and two shots of Jaeger in three hours.
For a non-alcoholic like me, this was a lot. Back in Asia, I would only drink around 2 cocktails the whole night and get a bit tipsy. This was a little bit too much but I didn’t really care. I was single and broken up and I don’t want to be limited because of a breakup.
However, I was still me, and me was still sane.
Sure, I could’ve stayed and drunk even more beer.
Sure, I could’ve had my fun, got totally plastered, and went home with a guy. I found it funny that there were already willing candidates, my groupmate of all people. He is Mexican and has no shame of taking me home it seems.
But it’s not me. I don’t want to do this. Not even after a breakup.
So I left at 11:30 pm without so much a goodbye. If I said goodbye, I never could’ve left. They would’ve encouraged me to stay, drink even more and who knows what could’ve happened?
Managed to get home by bus, walked back, drank tons of water, and went to bed.
In the morning today of Day 4, I get an SMS from the Mexican guy, “Did you go home?”
Yes, I did go home. I think am not really home yet, but I will be soon.
Yes, I am vulnerable, sad and miserable. I was shocked and at a deep end. But friends help. Alcohol did help a bit. But friends help. And I have to be strong too to make this through as quickly as possible.
And this is the anatomy of my breakup.