It’s been said that we ask more questions when we’re purchasing a big ticket item like a car or a house, than about the guy we want to get married to. Take my older sister for example, she was old enough that it made her desperate. When her boyfriend wanted to marry her, she said yes to him despite the fact that:
– he didn’t let her kiss him because he insisted that the future “mother of his children” should remain pure till their wedding day *Side note: I personally think he’s g-a-y, because in my limited experience, guys who like you… cannot seem to get enough of you.*
– he didn’t carry her stuff or plastic bags. When they visited our house to get my dad’s blessing, my mom gave them stuff to take home and he didn’t even help her. Red flag right there.
– he almost slammed the door in her face when entering the room because he was so far ahead of her.
Look, marriage is ideally for life. Divorce was just a new thing before and one shouldn’t think of even the possibility of divorce when you’re marrying someone. Hence, it’s equally important that you find someone who share the same beliefs as you do. Just skimming off the top and finding someone to marry is enough.
Case in point: Trader.
It’s obvious that ours is a pretty serious relationship. We’ve talked about marriage from time to time but Trader has yet to propose. No matter.
Given that I am irritatingly inquisitive who don’t hesitate to make her boyfriend feel uncomfortable if only to get awkward issues out in the open, we’ve had our debates on our discussion about children, finances and even dietary choices.
For example, Trader is Catholic. I am Protestant Christian. My Aunt and Uncle are Protestant missionaries. My dad is non-believer.
He wants OUR kids to go to Philippine Catholic schools. I was like, “What?”
I mean, I don’t mind letting my son go to Xavier which is an adequately good school back home. The education is more than fair and the connections you make are quite decent. But I refused to let my daughter go to its female counterpart (e.g., Xavier School is an all-boys school in the Philippines) just because it’s Catholic.
Doode, I didn’t know that until we’ve opened up such conversation.
Or or, who handles the money? Will it be joint accounts or separate accounts? MY mom taught me that it’s important for females to have their own accounts away from the family as well. This allows you to buy certain luxuries without feeling guilty you’re taking away money from the family.
“I handle funds better,” Trader had said. “So I should manage the household income.”
Touche Trader, I do not deny his mathematical skills are poor. But I don’t control the money of the household? What the…? Which Chinese girl would allow her husband to control the money supply? That makes her super dependent on the guy!
Or or, what type of food your family should eat?
“In my family, I want our kids and you to eat 70 to 80% veggies so at least it’s healthy…”
“What about meat, pork and chicken?” I sincerely asked. Seriously, I am NOT a rabbit. I do not eat grass for a habit.
“Oh, we will ensure that our family would have mostly fish and vegetable diet…” he explained.
Seriously. I work really hard so that I can consume all those delicious steaks and pork ribs and you insist that our entire family should be healthy and eat mostly veggies and fish?!
“Research had said that vegetables and fish diets reduce the risk of cancer,” Trader said.
“I don’t care. I want my meat,” I stubbornly insisted. “I suggest a compromise: we hire a cook, and you eat what you want and I get to prepare what I want. The kids can pick which meal they want to consume.”
“A family that eats together stays together,” Trader replied. “How can we eat different dishes?”
“Then why do you insist that our family adopt the diet of a farmer! No meat? That’s a poor man’s diet!” I said. In the Philippines, vegetables are not as popular. My dad for example does NOT eat vegetables because that is what farmers eat. If you could afford it, you’d eat mostly meat and the meal is complemented by veggies.
“But we live like expats,” he laughed. In Hong Kong, expats ridiculous amount of money to eat a lot of grass and veggies. It’s so funny culturally from back home.
I pout again. In my mind I was thinking:
Geez, I am such a commitment phobic.
Anyway, my point being, a lot of couples don’t really talk about these things — and they should. The people they’re marrying has to be people who are open to discussions and compromise. Sometimes you just never realized just how stubborn your man is until you address these deceptively simple issues.
Talk talk talk. Get to know each other more.
Don’t just think about marrying the guy unless you’re really confident that you’ve gotten your bases quite covered. That means a lot of uncomfortable discussions and an even larger amount of give and take.
Love is not enough.
Loving but being reasonable may be the best way to go.
Have a good weekend ahead!