I wish there was a person with whom I can totally be real with.

I’m tired of pretending.

No, I’m not as confident as you may think. A lot of times, I doubt my own capabilities as well. Some people intimidate me, and at times, I fear about being and staying alone.

I am tired of pretending to be strong.

It’s almost been six years since anybody have ever supported me financially. My friends at home gasp in awe. “You’re now an independent woman,” they gush. “Must be nice to be able to live on your own and buy whatever you want.”

True, what they do neglect to realize is that I don’t have a sugar-daddy or rich-daddy for that matter to support my lifestyle. Every trip I took, every dinner I paid for, and ever purchase I made all came from my own pockets. Given my limited salary, am still fortunate that I have some savings left.

There was one time when I was climbing when I bumped into a not-so-attractive woman in her mid-20s. I asked her what she did and she said that she was taking a “break.” Actually, her break was a few years long. Basically, she’s jobless, but her boyfriend makes enough for them both, meager as it may seem.

While feminists would shout and scream about her being financially dependent on her hubbie, I felt a pang of jealousy. Why isn’t there anybody who supports me? Here is a woman who is practically ‘useless’ by definition, and yet she has someone. What is wrong with me?

Another time, I went out on a date with this guy. We had breakfast together, but because I was slightly late (to my defense, I did tell him about it), he made me treat him to the meal. Of course, this was a smart move and ensured a second date, but it irked me not because I paid for the meal, but because he expected me to have the dough to treat him.

“That’s very presumptous of you,” I said. “How do you even think that I can afford the meal? What if my salary is that of a lowly temp at a convenience store. Then what?”

” Well, I wouldn’t ask you out if you were a convenience store woman,” he replied. “I am interested because I know you’re a capable woman and you believe in equality. That’s why, you can afford to pay.”

It sometimes seem to me that a lot of people around me seem to know me more than I know myself.

Like today, an acquaintance chatted me up via MSN and gushed, “You always know so many people. You have so many friends….!”

People who make such statements clearly do not know me. Sure, I may have a lot of acquaintances, but knowing their name and what they do don’t make them friends… what’s more, it doesn’t mean that since I have a respectable job and make a decent living mean, you assume that I’m all for equality.

It would be great for once, to be protected. To be pampered. To be cuddled with. To feel more like a woman. I feel tired of being strong, and hopefully, one day, I can savor in my weakness and vulnerability.

It’s hard though. At work, I have to be this outgoing individual who’s ultra-friendly and sociable with her business contacts. My voice has to be slightly louder, and my energy fun.

And yet, some days, I feel depressed too. I feel sadness, disappointment and a lot of things that bring people down. However, I can’t really show this side of me too much, otherwise, you lose people’s respect and they feel that you can’t do your job well. Who wants to do business with a downer?

When I went out with Hong Kong guy last year, or M this year, I felt a different side of me effacing. I was a bit stronger as a woman, my remarks more challenging and my attitude, slightly more aloof. I liked them a lot, and yet was on my guard. It was like being in a sparring match.

Sure, flirting with this heavenly creatures was fun. And yet, it was also exhausting.

I miss the times when I can just take off my mask and just show my real self to them. Where I can be genuine and still be loved. In the past, some of my most favorite moments in a relationship where those I lie with him on the sofa, my head on his shoulders, and we’re watching a video. Why is it hard for me to imagine doing that with Hong Kong guy and M?

What’s it with relationships that make it so hard and complicated?

Big sigh.

My problem isn’t really about attracting men — it’s actually attracting the right ones.

“Raven, go for the guys who don’t ask you up on the first date,” my guy pal CW advises me. The only thing is, it’s so hard to say no when they’re so devilishly attractive (though I ultimately still decline).

Today, I thought about Hong Kong guy. Sure, I am attracted to him. But still doesn’t change the fact that he’s not here with me. My head is not lying on his arms with us relaxing and basking in each other’s presence.

It’s lonely.

I’ve thought about M as well. Jeez, seems that I’ve looked back and realize that there’s a bit of guys who’ve shown interest, but it just never worked out. Likewise, I’ve realized that over half have wanted to get physical with me on the get-go. Jeez, just my luck.

My luck that at least find me attractive, and my bad luck that most of them are too preoccupied with the looks and body, instead of my lively brains and personality.

CW tells me that we’re becoming desperate. I refuse to be grouped together with that man.

Truth be told, I haven’t reached that level of desperation yet. In fact, despite multiple opportunities to hook up with someone the past couple of weeks, have yet to take that leap. Guess, it’s quite important for me that a guy finds me as attractive as I do him — and is willing to hang around even though I don’t sleep with him by the first or second date (who has that expectation anyway?! Crazy.).

Anyway, I realize that I’m rambling. Guess just a little tired, especially since things are starting to heat up at work.

Point of the matter is, I wish I had someone with me who cares about the real me — not the popular socialista who’s at every party and this extroverted business contact who’s fun to be with.

I wish that this special someone wouldn’t really care if I wore makeup or not. He knows that I’d wear clothes fit for the occassion and if we’re at home, who cares if I don’t have gallops of goo on my face. In fact, he likes the natural me. And if I gained a couple of pounds, so what? Just shows that we’re enjoying nice meals together, and this fits himjust fine.

I wish that this person would care to ask me questions beyond, “How are you?” “What do you do?” or “How’s your day?” Somebody start yawning… boring! I need more mortar, not bricks! I want conversations that cut through the soul, and words that show that you care, and not because you’re trying to be polite and making conversation!

I wish that there’s this somebody who’d be willing to accompany me to places on a consistent basis. The gym? Great! At my friend’s farewell party? Cool! Outdoors? Wonderful. At home relaxing? Perfect. It’s kinda tiring to look for companions to go with you for every activity you go for. Take for example two weekends ago, practically hung around with 5-6 groups of people, mainly because there were multiple barkada happenings.

I wish there was this guy I can kiss. His lips would feel familiar, and his hug comforting. I miss kissing, they’re great and yet, it’s been ages since my lips touched another because am so damn selective on who I get physical with, and want to be sure that am really attracted to him before going anywhere. I like placing my head in a guy’s strong arms as we sleep, and hear him breathe (and snore). Which is why I had that embarrassing moment a few weeks ago — I yearned so much for the pleasure of those quiet moments that I was willing to lower down my pride and just go for it.

I wish there was somebody I can proudly introduce to my parents and friends, and they’d be happy for me because they can see that he makes me smile… widely. My mom in particular has started to worry about my ability to even snag a husband. I tell her to prepare to have a spinster as a daughter. On hindsight, that was a bad joke.

I wish there was a guy who can prop me up when I need support. Sometimes, I need someone to sound off my thoughts to, and miss someone who will be there to support you because your future is intertwined with his. How you decide affects him so he’d like to be in the know before you make any radical decisions. Sure, talking about work may be boring for him, but as he knows that it’s something you care about, he still actively listens and try to give his best feedback.

I wish I can be with someone who doesn’t want to use me. My single girl friends in a way use me by calling me up every weekend because they think am doing something fun and I can introduce them to new, interesting guys. Sure, that may often be the case, but sometimes, I wish that they don’t look at me as a matchmaker, and just like hanging out with me even if I do the most boring and most mundane things. We can just chill and hang around the apartment. Geez, even guy friends use me because I make the perfect wing woman. Girls don’t get threatened by me in a club and can make the best openings! 🙂

I wish there was a guy I can dance wildly in a bar with, and make up while being tipsy. Jeez, never really had that. The moment that I enter a relationship, all these crazy happenings go down the drain and you’re just staying home and watch TV. Wouldn’t it be nice for once to make out with someone in public?

I wish for someone who just didn’t care about what you did, where you came from or what you look like, because ultimately, he cares about you — you as the entire package.

I’m being real. Why can’t anybody be real with me as well?

Can somebody introduce them to me this way please?

Where have the genuine men gone?