A Taiwanese friend of mine broke up with her HongKong-based Persian boyfriend recently. He accused her of possibly cheating on him because she was still in touch with her ex-boyfriend.
Now, “in touch” by definition is her forwarding Happy Chinese New Year/good luck emails to all her friends, which unfortunately also includes ex-boyfriend’s email. They have parted terms almost a year ago upon mutual agreement, and hell will freeze over before they even get back together (he has mental depression problems, go figure).
But this didn’t prevent jealous nut boyfriend to explode.
“YOU’RE A LIAR!” he screams at her via Skype. “You just want to hurt me so you still keep in touch with your ex! Don’t you know that my last relationship, my Taiwanese ex also kept in touch with her ex-boyfriend ?! I’ve had bad experience le…!”
Basically, that @sshole with @nger management issues called her names like being a liar, a cheater despite having no base to it!
He demanded that she cut off all contact with her ex-boyfriend.
He insisted that she write her ex a super mean mail which she proceeded to do. Now, my friend is such a darling and wouldn’t even hurt a fly and writing that mail caused her so much pain but she did it anyway because she loves this boyfriend of her.
When her current Persian boyfriend didn’t believe that she sent such a mail, she forwarded him the email, which unfortunately was in Chinese.
Since he couldn’t understand, he asked a girlfriend of one of his friends in Hong Kong to translate. Her reaction, “Ooops, nope. Not mean enough.”
What the heck does he want her to do anyway?! Aaargh, my girlfriend anyway wrote another more mean email, and felt so badly in doing so.
In the end, he still broke up with her.
What’s even worse is her propensity to accept abuse. So I’ve been spending some time with her as she cries and plots on how to get her boyfriend back considering that she’s already cut off all contact with her ex and thinks they can make it work.
What’s it with this? That guy is a complete jerk, and a person with anger management issues does NOT change.
They only get worse.
Sigh, maybe it’s because of my personal experiences that I’m a lot more sensitive towards these things. Guys with anger issues who shout at you and call you names only get worse over time. It’s a power trip for them, and it’s awful to receive such accusations when they are 100% untrue!
Which is why I cut off all contact with a former best friend of mine last October. What happened was that he wanted to join us for dinner at Citizen Cain but couldn’t find the place so he called me up and shouted at me.
“Where the f*ck is this place, Raven?!” he shouted at me as soon as I picked up my cell. “I’ve been going round and round in circles and I can f*cking find this place.”
“Wow, that’s a great way to say, ‘Hi'” I replied as I proceeded to give him the directions.
“I can’t f*cking find it,” he screamed back. “I’ve already gone around the Renai circle three times, and I can’t find the ‘Honda’ you’re mentioning!”
“If you want directions,” I shot back getting pissed now, “You should ask directions from the restaurant. It’s not my fault that you can’t find it. Look at the Honda around the Circle… it’s at that alley…”
Despite my calm directions, my friend got more and more pissed and hung up the phone.
The next day, I sent him this text message, “I don’t think I deserve that call yesterday. You were very disrespectful and rude, and nobody deserves to be at the receiving end and being cursed upon when you should’ve just called up the restaurant and asked proper directions.”
He texted back saying that he was lost and I wasn’t any help, so I deserved it.
Darnnit, I cut off ALL contact with my now former best friend going forward. Nothing. After almost 5 years of close friendship, I don’t think that anybody deserved to be shouted or called names on.
My friends ask me if I’m overreacting, but I dare say no.
When a guy shouts and screams at you AND DOESN’T EVEN APOLOGIZE, then I’m sorry. I’m NOT overreacting. That’s what you call Emotional Abuse, and these things stem from a lack of respect for the other person.
It’s like the frog who’s getting boiled in a pot of soup. It starts off warm and slow, but as the temperature rises, the frog gets cooked without knowing it.
Emotional abuse starts quietly. It’s defined as follows:
Emotional abuse is abuse that is intended to hurt or destroy another’s feelings and emotional well being. Emotional abuse is often referred to as verbal abuse.
They first get really mad, call you names during the outbursts and break your heart. After they’ve already spewed all the most cruel things they’ve called you, they retire and treat you very well as a way to say sorry and apologize for their outbursts. The cycle starts all over when they get pissed and after awhile, you get used to it.
Your self-confidence goes down, and you feel like total sh*t.
Yet, you forgive them because you remember how much they try to make up for their anger afterwards. Maybe they’ll give you flowers, or hug you or tell you you’re the best girl in the world.
I’m sorry honey, but these guys don’t get better.
Some women accept the abuse because they think that it’s not as if the abuse is physical. But I say it differently: though there are no black and blue bruises to prove it, the damage extends from skin and hits straight to the heart. And when the heart gets broken, it’s really hard to put it back together again.
So I don’t care if he’s the most perfect guy in the world for you. If he’s calling you names and making you feel bad, then he’s not Mr. Right. I’m sorry if you love him, but ultimately, you better love yourself more because guys who love you do NOT hurt you.
I should know.
I’ve seen the dearest woman subject herself to over 30 years of emotional abuse. She helped her husband start his own business, make him a multi-millionaire and gave him two children anybody can be proud of.
Despite all that she does for him, whenever he gets mad, he still loses control and spews out the worst words like, “You’re a bad mother,” “You’re useless!” or accuses her of wanting to spend time with other men despite her being with him 24/7.
This is a woman who serves her husband well, even to the point of feeding him when he’s too lazy to grab a fork and insert a piece of food in his mouth.
Which was why I broke off with my first ex-boyfriend. I see her, and I see my ex-boyfriend and I vowed never to accept such abuse. It wasn’t as if he treated me badly, but he didn’t treat me as well as I deserved to be treated.
And I felt I deserved better.
Last trip, I told her that if she ever want to run away and live with me in Taipei, she is more welcome to do so as I’ll take good care of her.
Of course, she laughed at me and called me “crazy,” but you know what, if she did divorce and leave her husband, I wouldn’t mind… in fact, I didn’t know why she’s been so much of a martyr to stick with her husband for three decades…
Regardless, I left Manila knowing that I’ve communicated to her my love and concern, proving that she has options if ever she left her husband.
Which is why I can clearly empathize with my friend’s dilemma.
I have also been called a whore and a liar by this man when I was younger. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep because the words cut deep, and it hurt even more because they were totally untrue.
Some nights, it got so bad that I wished to run away. Nobody deserved to be subjected with such abuse.
True, I was never spanked but I still carry such wounds till this day. The husband is getting older now, but his words never lose their bite. They still hurt every time he calls you names… True, he loves me dearly and I’m the apple of his eye, but that doesn’t diminish the hurt.
His wife has chosen her path, and she choses to stay.
I look at them, and I choose to choose better.
And if that meant that I’ll be single, then so be it. I’d rather wait for that special someone who’d make me smile and would rather die before he could make me cry… I’d rather wait to be with the one who makes me happy… deliriously happy, than to remain in an abusive relationship.
So if he leaves, let him leave.
Girl, you deserve better.
Gotta study so getting out of my soapbox now. Have a happy week everyone.
8 thoughts on “Anger Issues”
Hi, I do read your blog every now and then and it’s on my list of favorite blogs. Many of the things that you talk about are interesting for me. Now I don’t know why but I thought I would leave a comment on this particular one. I do agree that your freind’s ex has issues and the way he dealt with your friend is very extreme to say the least and he needs help but let’s look at it with an unbiased perspective. Why would you keep your ex on your list of contacts or friends list? I’m not saying that she is cheating but I would think that it is logical to do that (remove the ex from the list). One more thing, let’s assume that the roles were reversed and that your friend has had an ex who kept in touch with his own ex gf (now that’s getting a bit complicated!) and historically your firend has had an ex bf who has done this in the past and it didn’t go well afterwards. Do you think that she will be comfortable with that? Just a thought. I’m a man but I’m not a sexist and I have to say from my own life experience that women I have come across (with few exceptions) have double standards in the way relationships should develop or evolve. I have seen so many realtionships fall apart because one party demands a lot more than what they are ready to give from the other party. If we all can step back sometimes and put ourselves in our partner’s shoes, I think we’ll see a much more stable relationships.
Thanks for leaving a comment. It’s refreshing to see another person’s view on the matter.
Upon finding out that it makes her now-ex boyfriend uncomfortable for her to still keep in touch with her TW ex, my girlfriend cut her TW ex off her life. I have no issues with that.
What bothers me is how the now ex-bf has expressed his anger.
He screamed and shouted at her, calling her names. Imagine the scene, and he called her a liar and a cheat, though these have no basis in reality. He did this several times. He calls this expressing his anger, but I felt he crossed the line and called it emotional abuse.
I agree with you that her still having her ex in her mailing list is a mistake. But I do not agree that this gives her now ex-bf the reason to emotionally abuse her. You are right about double standards, and I agree. However, one has to be careful on which words to use when in a relationship, be it the male or female. Words can cut like glass, and the hurt real. And I think my friend deserves better.
Thanks again for leaving a note! Hope to hear more your thoughts again next time!
reading all these stories about “special experience” with
lets say men coming from Persia and neighbourhood, I have the impression, that these guys are tending more than others to treat women as property.
I must say that I am not neutral with this issue and surely emotional abuse/violence can be found in each culture.
So lets just conclude in this way:
couples with same culturel/religion background at least know what to expect…
You’re right Markus. Emotional abuse isn’t limited in a single culture at all. Chinese husbands also do their fair share of screaming… 🙂
What’s disturbing is how a lot of women think that “it’s okay,” because 1) they love the guy, and 2) they think they can brace it out till the anger subsides and the guy tries to make it up to her. Maybe it’s the martyr syndrome? Ah well, to each their own…
I may be wrong but it seems like you were referring to your parents when you mentioned the couple in the latter part of your post.
As a dad, sometimes I ponder whether I’m putting enough or not enough pressure on my own kids. Of course, I’d want them to excel and be independent one day. But I also don’t want them to have feelings of resentment towards me. Parenting is a tough yet fulfilling job. I suppose you just have to make decisions in order to strike the right balance.
Hi Les, any relationship may it be between friends, between father and child, or between colleagues must be treated with utmost care. There’s a saying, “Fight Fair,” but usually some people forget to do so at the heat of the moment, choosing to shout out the cruelest words or doing the stupidest things. After that, regret, and they try to make amends, but the wounds are already there. Hurt doesn’t go away just because you say sorry…
A good parent is mindful of these things. Kids are smart; we know you have good intentions. But fight fair, and doubt if you’d cause resentment for something we know you’re pressuring us to do for our own good.
what did she expect? he’s Persian. geesh.
Sorry but think am missing something — What’s wrong with being Persian?