Being a woman myself, I can say this out loud — women can be stupid at times. I know, I’ve been there plenty of times.
I spent the good part of my evening consoling my girlfriend who had broke up with her significant other today.
You know the drill — once a girl-pal contacts you with the solemn “Just broke up with bf” message, it doesn’t really matter how busy you are. You drop everything and come to the rescue.
I lent her my shoulder to cry on at Sofa, a pretty cool lounge bar near Civil Boulevard. We talked about our jobs, her now-ex, her previous relationships and just sharing how she is in a doomed relationship, and it probably won’t work anyway, and at 28, she doesn’t have that much time to waste.
Of course I told her that there were no guarantees in relationships. Even my then perfect-in-paper ex boyfriend was flawed in reality, and regardless on how compatible people thought we were, we still ultimately didn’t work out.
Turns out, it was he who broke it off.
Honestly, I thought it was going to be her who’ll do the deed, and was surprised to find out it was him.
Why? Because she’s constantly bothered that he didn’t come from a well-to-do family (he is the breadwinner and supports his aging mom), and hesitates to jump in a relationship which she knows will be “hen xin ku” (full of hardship).
Her parents have also checked his name and birthday and unfortunately discovered that superstition says that whomever he marries will not have an easy life. Obviously, they are agaist the match.
Which is why I thought it was she who was going to break it off. As she related to me before, “I’ve always known that we wouldn’t work out because I don’t think I can accept the level of hardship a life with him would bring.”
Call her judgemental, but hey, she’s just being practical. Love won’t feed you.
Personally, once a guy calls it off, I think the relationship is over. Done.
But reality is harder than theory: Just a few hours after they break up, the guy calls and asks her to go over. He is drunk and says that he’s sad and can’t sleep without her in his arms. He say he misses her.
“Tough luck,” I berated. “He should’ve thought about that before he broke up with you la…what does he think of you?!”
He repeatedly calls her throughout the evening.
“Don’t do it,” I warned her. “I would understand why you’d do it — but I would advise against it. It would just make the getting over him stage all the harder.”
When I broke up with my second ex, when he called, I still answered. When he asked to see me, I still went. Unfortunately, it extended the torture and a dead-beat relationship longer than it should, and ruined what good will we’ve created throughout our relationship.
During one of his calls, she asks him, “Do you want to see me because you just miss me or because you’d want me back?”
He doesn’t answer — honestly, I don’t think he knows how to answer such a straightforward question.
Guys are funny.
They’re calm breaking up with you, sure that this is exactly what they want AND THEN, realizes how much they miss you and then calls you to come back in their arms, but not back in a relationship.
And if you’re vulnerable and stupid, you do it — because heck, you love the guy. What else can you do?
“I understand why you’re doing it,” I empathized. “But please, for your sake, don’t go. Am afraid it’ll be a cycle of him wanting you and you going to him, but everything’s in the gray area.”
“But he’s a good guy,” she countered. “I don’t think she’ll do that to me. I just want to go over there because I can’t bear to see him so sad and am curious on what will happen next.”
Does it take a genius to know what will happen next, or what he’ll say?
My guess is, he’ll whisper sweet nothings to her ear. Chances are, he’ll offer anything but the commitment itself as he himself is unsure if he wants to get back with her or not.
Regardless on what happens, the next encounter ends with kisses and hugs and tussles in bed.
Even if he asks her back, it still doesn’t really solve the issue which caused the breakup in the first place. In fact, this is the third time they’ve broken up because of the same issue.
But what can I do?
As I’ve said, I’ve been there.
And I totally understand.
I know why she’s doing it. I know why she’s running back to the guy who just hours before has broken her heart into little pieces.
Because even though it’s not good for her, she has feelings for him.
And though he broke her heart, it breaks her heart even more to hear him so sad and forlorn.
So despite all the warnings in her head, she still goes.
Girls can be stupid.
But we forgive them for doing so.
Because we see ourselves in them as well, once, twice, a long time ago.
Because ultimately, we see ourselves in my friend.