Today, I’m addressing those who have judged me harshly.
Namely, Ex #2, whom within 30 minutes of chatting via MSN last Monday has accused me of being the following:
He accused me of being selfish.
Because I’ve started to do things on my own and haven’t invited him and our friends along.
In particular, he felt hurt and left out.
He also said I was no longer as super nice and no longer as fun since he met me.
“You’ve changed,” he said. “You’ve changed a lot.”
As a result, he feels that it’s “sad.”
He gave me an example, “Remember when we were still dating, we’d talk about how sad that in a group, there’s that one person who wouldn’t want to join the group and instead would do their own thing? We used to think that person was a ‘kill-joy.'”
“Now, you’ve become that person,” he concludes.
In addition, he accused me of being very evasive. He calls them, “Raven’s little secrets.”
” Every time I ask you a question on who you’d go climbing with,” he wrote, “You’re very evasive, beat around the bush and don’t answer. It’s as if you have Raven’s little secrets. It’s irritating.”
I’ve thought about what he said.
I’ve wondered if what he said was right…
Did I really change?
And if I did, did I change for better or for the worse?
If I changed for the worst, of course, I’d have to do something about it…only your closest friends care enough to point out negative aspects of your character, and regardless on our past, I still count him as one of my closest friends in Taiwan.
Regardless, I wanted to find out if his accusations were valid or not… or if they were fair.
Finally, in the evening, since he was sick, I visited him at home carrying a bouquet of sunflowers and some hot tart lemon juice.
And then, after exchanging some pleasantries, I addressed each of his accusations.
First, my being selfish and a snob.
One, I have my reasons for doing things on my own.
We’re no longer together and this gives me the freedom/right to do things that I like with the people that I like, at my own time. I don’t necessarily have to invite him along all the time, especially if I feel he won’t fit in the group, but the thing is, I have that right.
Unlike him who love to surround himself with millions of acquaintances, I also prefer being in a smaller crowd of a maximum 5 people. The setting’s more intimate and I discovered that enjoy it more.
Hence, since he has a tendency of bringing along a gazillion people to go climbing with us (resulting to me not being able to climb as much as I wish to), I would rather call up my own friends and invite them to go climbing with me.
If that’s being a snob, and a climbing prima donna at that, then so be it.
At least, I know what I want, and am not really afraid to detach myself from his company just so I can do what I love… with people who share the same amount of passions for climbing as I do.
Another reason is that I want to keep a bit of distance between us as I’m aware that I can’t really completely move on or find someone else if he’s around.
For example, I met Aussie guy at Eric’s party after Ex#2 left the building. Sure, we knew how that ended, but hey, it’s a start! 😀
And as for the other guys I’m casually dating right now, most of them are guys he doesn’t know because he wasn’t around when I met them. Phew!
Lesson learnt: You can’t really meet anyone new if your ex-boyfriend is in the room.
And since I’m a free bird who is now free to grab any opportunity that comes her way, well then sorry if I’m being selfish but I need to love and take care of myself more now and put “me” first.
Besides, it’s tacky to flirt with a potential boyfriend when your ex is in the room. Most of you are fine with that but I’m not. Likewise, I think I deserve the same around of respect and not want to see my ex flirting with anyone when I’m in the room.
I just think that’s rude and insensitive.
Besides, if he wanted to be involved in my life, why wouldn’t he invite me out more instead of waiting till the very last minute to do so? He knows I’m a scheduler whose time is full a week ahead. If he really wants to be in my company, he should at least accomodate and call me ahead of time.
I would be more than happy to spend time with him, so long as he lets me know earlier.
“But I’m spontaneous,” he exclaimed. “I don’t really plan! I just do things day-by-day!”
Sigh, true… but I’m not.
So if other people are willing to place me in their schedules, why can’t he?
Secondly, about me not being as super nice and no longer as fun to be with…
Only a person who doesn’t completely understand me can make such statement and I told him so.
From what I know, I’m still the nice girl as I was before…
I’ll never lie, cheat or steal and of all people, he should understand how dear I have held on to my principles and morals since he met me. I would move mountains for my friends and those in need.
Not as fun?
Those of you who have read my blog regularly know how much fun I’ve had in the past couple of weeks. And believe me, people who I’ve hung out with will disagree with what he had said.
And I quote my friend David’s text after we had a blast last Friday, “Enjoyed our conversation! Hope to see you again. Soon to continue! :-)”
And how about my French cutie friend who have again invited me out to go climbing with him?
Or friends who call me two weeks before just to make sure they’re in my schedule?!
If I was such a dud to be with, why would these people seek me out again?
No, I don’t think I’m not fun anymore… rather, I don’t seem to have that much fun when I’m with him as before.
Because a lot of his activities and his friends aren’t really my cup of tea now.
For example, last Tuesday, he invited us out for some beer and greasy food at the Brass Monkey.
Hmmm… choosing the healthier wallclimbing activity with some potentially good friends, or eating oily food and chugging down hundreds of calories with a bunch of acquaintances…?
Hmm… tough choice!
Doh! Of course, I’d chose the former!
What’s more, as I’ve said, I’ve always been a lookout for quality friends, while he is okay with hanging out with “friends” who are actually mere acquaintances and are fun for a beer and some laughs and that’s just about it.
A lot of the people he seems to hang out with are similar to these women I’ve met last Sunday who love shopping and are afraid of the sun.
Basically, as a person who values sincerity and integrity in her friends she chooses to hang out with, I’ve no interest of wasting time with these people who I know won’t care whether or not I fall off the face of the earth.
Sure, I’d be polite to them but that’s basically it.
All I can say is, nice-wise, I think I’m still nice as I was before.
He made me sound as if I was daughter of Satan, but actually, I believe deep down inside, I’m still a good person and I like who I am.
However, he’s right on one thing… I’m less tolerant of other people.
Whereas before I’d take people’s stupidity in stride, I’ve now become less patient with them and sometimes, my frustration of them shows, which I admit is something I need to work on, as exhibited by my reaction when one girl said that she didn’t swim because she hated to lose her white skin.
But overall, in my defense so to speak, this is my reply…
He’s right, in the past couple of months, I’ve changed.
But mainly, that’s only because I’ve discovered a lot about myself.
Before, I had little idea on what I liked or didn’t like.
Hence, I was a bit more open to exploring other activities or meeting up with new groups of people, even though I don’t really have a very good feeling about then,
Now, I have a better idea on what I liked and didn’t like.
I know for example that I love wallclimbing and am starting to get addicted to golf.
On the other hand, I don’t really like ice skating and darn it, if you insist we go ice skating, don’t feel bad if I call up my other friends and do something with them.
What’s more, I know that there are people that I absolutely like, and I would definitely make an effort in spending time with them and getting to know them better… which I’ve been doing in the past couple of months.
I know I don’t really like hanging out with super large groups, and prefer the company of a few selected friends. So I do more of that now.
I also know that I don’t like hanging out with materialistic superficial people. Therefore, though I’m civil in their presence, I still try to distance myself as much as possible.
I like myself a lot more right now. I like the way I look (though I hope we can do something about the nose) and how I live my life.
Sure, I wasn’t as laidback as I was when he met me, but at least, I have grown a bit more of my spine and am more assertive in letting my needs and opinions be known.
There’s a difference in being selfish/snob/not nice to just being confident, assertive and simply not accepting other people’s crap and doing things just to be part of the crowd.
I sure do hope I’m more of the latter than the former.
As for being evasive, well, we’re not together anymore. If he’s my boyfriend, his complaint is fair and valid, but we’re not. When we were together, I used to tell him every single thought, feeling and story. But now, we’re not.
Hence, I think sometimes, a person’s privacy should be respected.
If there are things that I don’t like to share, please understand that I’m uncomfortable of sharing things with you so please don’t push.
For example, how can I complain about Aussie guy in his presence?
Or tell him that I went climbing with a guy I’m interested in?
Or that I’ve met a really interesting guy whom I’d love to get to know better the night before?!
No way, divulging these things to your ex is just too weird.
Another question is, “Why would you like to know?”
I for my part don’t want to know his personal life. No matter how good a friends we are right now, it’s still not up to the level when one can hear that he’s dating or that I’m dating and be perfectly fine with it.
I’d rather not know… thank you very much.
In addition, since I’ve been starting to expand my circles of friends, a lot of my new friends, he doesn’t know/recognize. So even if I mention their names, he has no idea who they are, so that’s why when he asks, I’ll just say, “a friend.”
Bottomline is, I’m starting to break out from the circle we’ve built before. That’s what made our breakup so difficult… the fact that even though we’re no longer together, and still hang around the same circle!
Hence, whereas I used to just hang out with our friends, I’m beginning to open myself up to new possibilities and meeting up with new people.
Secondly, I’m also starting to become more assertive on how I live my life and are choosier of the people I surround myself with.
Frankly, I don’t have a lot of time… and I’d rather spend it with those whom I care about and who care a lot about me back.
With wallclimbing and golfing already on my schedule, that only leaves me around 3 free days a week!
Now, that’s not enough!
So thanks for the invite but I’m pickier with whom I spend my time with. And though I’m still open to spending time with my ex by himself, I’m not really open to spending it very often with a couple of gazillion people whom I know don’t really care much about me.
Sure I can do it sometimes, but every week? Probably not.
So do these make me a snob?
But heck, if this is what defines me as a snob, well then I’m damn proud to be one!
Btw, had a nice dinner with a friend last night.
As for Aussie guy, I’ve finally came to terms with it. Not only is it over, but he can go fly a kite.
If a guy can’t respect my boundaries and choose to ignore me instead of talking about it, well then, sayonara baby. A guy who wants to be with me will choose to wait, instead of pushing me to do things I’m not uncomfortable about. And yes, I believe I can wait for that right guy because I deserve to be treated with love and respect.
C’est la vie you guys! Going back to work now!!! Still up my neck with work!
9 thoughts on “A snob — and damn proud of it explained!”
Please don’t take this the wrong way…but…why does it bother you so much what Ex #2 thinks of you? I mean, you basically you wrote a pretty long blog entry justifying yourself over something he said. If you’re as confident about yourself and as self-assured as you say you are in your past entries, then what he says shouldn’t even matter anymore.
Just an observation.
Thanks Jaclyn for that observation. You’re right. Now, after getting off my soapbox, I can honestly say that it doesn’t really matter what my ex thinks.
Regardless, I wrote this entry not just addressing what he per thinks of me, but instead, whether what he said is valid or not. He’s known me for almost a year, and has seen me change so much in the past couple of months. The question is, “In general, have I changed? Am I really not as nice as before? Are these claims valid?”
If so, I need to change myself for the better. Because I don’t want to treat people unfairly. In the end though, I realized that yes, I did change, but yes, I’m fine with the changes. So I’m addressing not just HIS claims, but rather claims of what other people may think about me but refuse to say out loud because they’re not close enough.
Do I care about what other people think? Not really. Do I care about improving myself? Yes. Thanks Jac!
I almost lost a friend with that type of attitude once. The problem wasn’t with him but the problem was with me. After we broke up, I tried to avoid spending time with him because I didn’t want to even think about him. It bothered me just to see him talking with another woman!
One day he called me up and said “we need to talk”. I thought what could be worse than having your heart ripped out of your body and smashed to bits? I was so nervous about meeting him. When he said we needed to talk, he was trying to tell me that he cared about me, loved me as a friend and was worried about me. We are truly best of friends now, I’m so glad he made the effort to call me that day and set me straight.
Before jumping to any conclusions, I would suggest looking alittle deeper at what he’s trying to say. Is he trying to jump in bed with you? If not, then it means he cares about you as a friend and is worried about losing you as a friend. If you were like me, you probably started really feeling distant towards him!
The question you probably need to ask yourself soon is “do I need or want him as a friend anymore” If the answer is no, then this blog shouldn’t have occupied so much of your energy. If the answer is yes, then listen to him. He’s trying to tell you something. Don’t be stubborn or defensive let it sink in and try to grasp the deeper meaning. It might save your friendship. I know it saved ours. Guys are a little dense sometimes maybe what he’s trying to tell you is that he cares (not in a loving way but in a friendship way)
Sarah, understood. Thank you for that very timely input. 🙂
Postscript though, after we’ve had this conversation (it went way smoother than you think), he said that he understood me and that we’ve decided to renew that friendship. Let’s see how this works out. Likewise, I respect him enough to keep him as a friend, so long as he respects my boundaries as well.
To me, best friends should not have boundaries. They should accept you for who you are and you should accept them for who they are. You should be able to tell your best friend “anything” and they will just accept it.
I would think that if he was a ex-boyfriend, he would eventually fall into the best friend category since you probably know each other well. Sounds like you just need more time. Give it some time.
Did you change for the worse? Probably. I changed so much after my first boyfriend and I broke up. Looking back, I was angry and extremely bitter. He was still nice to me even then. Strange how life works out but we did eventually became wonderful friends after we had “the talk”. I definitely became a better person knowing him because we could talk about everything (even sex! which I was always uncomfortable talking about especially with a guy) Kind of nice getting a guys perspective on topics like sex. I was inexperienced at it and he helped answer some questions I had (even though I was truly embarassed)
Regarding the Aussie guy, were you rebounding from the ex? I don’t know how long it’s been since you broke up with your ex but maybe your trying to rush into things. Seems like you are searching for a boyfriend when you should just enjoy time off from dating.
My heart goes out to you…hang in there…sounds like he still bothers you a bit.
ex2 should get his own life and be happy raven has 🙂
it seemed like ex#2 had hit a nerve with his comments (ur post did seem very ‘defensive’ IMO). its like ur trying very hard to justify your reasons for doing things. i don’t see the point of trying to make him understand your actions.
i do think its normal to change after a break up. something obviously didn’t work there and unless you change, you’d be back again to the person who ended up being hurt in past.
i do enjoy reading ur posts. so keep them commin raven 🙂
Will, thanks for pointing that out. I just don’t want to be unjustly judged. Besides, it’s like having a mirror… you want to know if the reflection’s really you, and want you want to become! 🙂
@l, to each their own. I think he just cares, but we’ll see… 🙂
Jennifer, thanks for that long comment! Appreciate it! Yeah, I think I’ve been angrier than before and am working on that. As for Aussie guy, no… definitely not a rebound! It’s already been 6 months. Besides, this girl wants to try the world!
Have a great weekend everyone!