Written on October 5 from the Raven archives:
Everyone tells me that I’m one of the more popular people in our organization. They say that given my shining personality, a smiling face and (ahem!) a hot attractive body, people are naturally drawn to me. They all think that guys are banging down my door.
I find this funny, in a way.
I’ve come to realize that I have a public persona…
When people first meet me, they see the sexy, ultra-confident and super-friendly me. They then assume that I’m always full of energy, on the go, and doing something fun.
But I’m not like this all the time.
Those who know me quite well know that I have my fair share of insecurities, that I worry all the time and love to overanalyze things. Despite my usual happy demeanor, there are times when I just like to sit back, relax and do unexciting things. I don’t smile all the time and there are times when I’m not in a socializing mood.
But people don’t usually see this…
I call this false advertising. But how can I control how people think of me? Do they think I can be happy all the time?!
It’s funny — guys seem to like me because they think I’m happy, fun, sexy and exciting 24/7. But once they get me, they realize that the public persona is quite different from the private one, and they get bored and lose interest easily.
I guess, the image of having that attractive dazzling woman in their arms anymore sorta breaks down once they see you wearing a regular pajama and t-shirt…
*force a laugh*
My ex asked me before what I wanted.
I want a life-partner, someone who can share my life with, regardless on whether I’m doing something exciting or not…
I want a person who can like me as I am, even if I’m not wearing makeup or wearing something sexy…
I want someone who values me not because of my so-called hot body, but because they like my companionship, my opinions and my mind…
I want a person to still hug me and accept my weakness when I reveal myself to him… I don’t want a person who’ll run away after they discover that I’m not really happy, sexy and fun all the time.
A lot of people think that we women are complicated. But personally, I don’t think I’m that complicated at all.
I’m just a simple girl, with simple needs.
Too bad other people think differently, and expect different things from me. However, when they find out that I have another side reserved for close friends, they get scared and run away.
I’m severely tempted to just stay home and never come out.
Because if you risk your neck out there and open yourself up to other people, you get hurt. And I abhor pain. But heck, who doesn’t?
But then again, that’s life. You cannot gain in life without the risk of pain. The best thing you can do is mourn a bit, and stand back again. Hopefully, by that time, you are stronger than ever.
I am frustrated by always being seen as a nice girl.
“You’re too nice,” my ex said.
Hahaha, if I was really nice, then why was I thinking of bashing your head on the cement after hearing your comment?
That’s the trap of nice people — we always seek approval and try to please everyone.
It’s only later in life that we realize that we can never please everyone, and if we’re constantly chasing after everyone’s approval, you’ll only end up tired and unhappy yourself — and still, they hate you.
That’s why I am less affected by what other people are saying about me now.
People will always talk.
But it’s up to you whether you’re affected or not.
Besides, nobody knows the situation in its entirety but you… and only you can choose your destiny.
If you listen to everyone around you, you’ll never be happy.
So be nice if you want… but be nice to yourself first.
Now’s the time for me to be a lot more selfish… and if people don’t like that, sorry.
I’m too tired of pleasing people who cannot be pleased.