This was a poem I wrote before. Very amateurish, but it was a moment in time when I was very confused about my feelings, and I was very frustrated on how vulnerable I was.
I am not very used to being out of control, to feeling weak. I totally hate that feeling.
But at that time, I was.
I was heavily in love with a guy, who later became my boyfriend and then my ex.
TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM.
But you move on.
It’s amazing on how both relationships are different in its beginnings and its journey…
Whereas my life with my ex was an emotional roller coaster ride, my life with the next one was as smooth as stone. Whereas with my ex, I never knew what the next day would hold, I knew where I stood with my second one. He likes me as much as I like him — and I guess this makes all the difference.
I do get nostalgic sometimes. Almost a month and a half ago, I read my diary and found this poem. I am both happy and sad on how I felt few years ago. I was really pathetic.
No regrets though. I’m glad I had my first relationship to prepare me for the second one. And yes, I had been quite happy with the second one, thank you very much.
Funny how life lets you think one thing and throws a curveball at you in the next. Man, was I caught unprepared!
But life moves on. I console myself in that there’s always a greater purpose, and things always work well in the end.
Trust the process… trust the process…
I’m glad though — I’m more confident that I know what I want and don’t want in a relationship. By having two polar relationships, I’m able to compare them with each other, and basically, I know now that I want is a solid relationship that is mainly based on friendship, respect and genuine love and affection. Throw commitment into the mix and you’re ready to go.
No, I don’t want the roller-coaster, up and down feeling that I had when I fell in love with my ex. It was a great and I’ve never felt so exhilirated, but during the times when I was down, I was really down because I never really knew where I stood.
So yes, roller-coaster rides may be exciting, but I’d rather stay home, cook dinner and watch a DVD with my hunny any day of the week! And when you feel him beside you, knowing that he has your back (and you have his) when things get tough, well, that’s just the greatest feeling in the world.
Even the greatest roller-coaster can’t top that.
HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL
July 1, 2003
I hate how you make me feel
So vulnerable at times
I’ve always been so strong
So sure of myself, so confident
But with you, I’m not so sure,
And I hate how you make me feel.
Most of the time,
I don’t even know what’s going on inside your head,
You told me, “Trust me,” “You can depend on me”
But sometimes, I’m not so sure
When I see you be with other women,
I can’t help but feel unsecure
You never really liked to talk about how you felt
And I know that a lot of times
All the things you do, are for me
But sometimes, I do doubt
And I can never get the reassurance from you
If I asked, you’d tell me
But I don’t want to ask.
I want you to open yourself up and just tell me.
Sometimes, I don’t even try to ask
Because I’m afraid that if I did,
You won’t let me in,
And I never could handle rejection very well.
You told me that you liked me,
I told you I liked you that I did like you
But that you liked me more,
And you were okay with that.
But with that first kiss,
I gave a piece of my heart to you
When you went off to do your own thing,
I was lonely.
When I hear you speak coldly,
I got hurt.
When you didn’t even reply
My mind raced.
What was he doing?
Why did he say this?
My emotions are like a roller coaster,
Emotionally unstable more of the time now
And I do hate this feeling.
More and more, I want to give up,
I can’t handle this anymore
And life may be better without you there.
But the next day,
After I wake up
All is right again.
And with my pride on the dirt,
I get ready and seek approach again.
It’s been a super tiring weekend for me…
First was a birthday party of my ultra-sexy friend, BA, where wine was flowing and I was able to meet some new acquaintances not really worth mentioning about at the moment.
And secondly, was the Halloween party that we held last Saturday at Hsilin Night Market.
Guess what I came as?
Haha, yeah, I went as a French maid, complete with fishnet stockings and high black boots. 🙂
It was fun, and I got slightly drunk since my friends gave me two extra shots of whiskey to go with the coke. I was a little wobbly by the end of the party, but still gathered enough strength to join some friends for some late-night snack at the Shilin Night Market.
Am sure my body will start complaining, and yes, I need to exercise double time to ensure I maintain my weight, but hey, you only live once.
We had to go back the next day though to clean. 🙁
Which was exhausting and seriously, a waste of time since we spent the whole day there…
I knew we can make it faster. 🙁
But no regrets.
I’m tired today though, and quite sleepy. Geez, it’s going to be a busy week…
Hope you all have a great week you guys!