Would you tell your friend the truth — even if there’s a risk of losing the friendship?
I’ve been thinking long and hard about it, and my answer is yes.
I’d rather lose a friend than not say anything than see her suffer in a relationship, long-term wise.
Because I love her and care for her. And I can’t stand it just to sit there and do nothing.
That’s the Libra in me talking.
These past few months, I have a friend who is with a guy with whom I think is completely incompatible with her. Karen thinks I worry too much, but I see it so clearly in my head that they’re really incompatible.
And how can two incompatible people make a relationship work?
As I’ve mentioned this in my blog before…
Emotionally, she is this super sensitive, sweet, laidback girl… while he is this tough, direct man who’s worked hard for everything he’s got. For him, why sugarcoat the facts, if that’s the truth. Don’t be too nice, since the world is harsh and will take you for all you’ve got.
Age-wise, there’s a not-so-small age difference (not as big as my boyfriend and mine) between them. Although the guy thinks that she’s mature for her age, he thinks she is still a bit immature and should grow up faster.
Culturally, though my friend is westernized, the guy is sometimes frustrated that she seems too conservative and too Asian.
Habit-wise, she is as messy as he is neat. Her old apartment is as messy as mine (and my friend has once said my room looked like it’s been ransacked as thieves), while he is as clean as a whistle.
He is the dominant man in the relationship and definitely pulls the strings. She is just happy going with the flow, and sometimes fights back for her voice.
And many many more.
Can a couple so opposite from each other make a relationship work?
I was in one… and bye-bye ex.
My boyfriend’s ex was the opposite of him… and they broke up. They were opposites of each other that they found themselves significantly changed just to make it work out.
Is it possible for both people to be opposites, and be happily together?
And by opposites, I’m saying that their character and foundation is different.
I’ve asked her if she and her guy were compatible.
“Yes, around 80 percent compatible,” she said.
I looked at her with doubtful eyes. If they were so compatible, why were they working so hard to make this relationship work?
“Look, I think it’s unfair that you’re comparing my relationship with you and your boyfriend’s.” she chastised me. “Every relationship has its own dynamics… what works for you may not work for me.”
Guys, how important do you think is compatibility in the relationship? If everything was perfect save for your compatibility, do you think it’ll work?
Personally, I think my relationship with my boyfriend is great because we share a lot of things in common. Personality-wise, interest-wise, culture-wise, we are more similar than we are different. It was so difficult compared when I was still with my ex who was my complete opposite.
With Michan (my ex), I had to work sooooo hard to make it work. Luckily, we broke up. But then, I look at then and now, and my gosh, it was just so different. My current relationship is smooth sailing, while my past one was just torture.
So the question is, is it really worth the torture?
“That’s why I’m still observing,” she defended. “I’m trying to see if I can live with him, giving it a year or two.”
“I admit, he’s not very easy to live with,” she said. “But I can still deal with this, so we’re making it work.”
I don’t know you guys. What are your thoughts on this?
Personally, for me, why go for spaghetti if you can go for steak? It’s not as if she can’t find steak.
In her defense, I’m not in HER relationship, so I have no right to judge at all. As they say, it’s only the people in the relationship who know if they should continue or not. As an outsider, it’s none of my business.
But after reading this article from iVillage, When Bad Guys Happen to Good People, I think I should open my mouth… cause personally, I think that they should think hard and long if the hard work is all worth it.
Not that I’m saying her boyfriend’s a bad guy. He’s not.
But I have seen a lot of red flags popping up.
And for her privacy’s sake, I will not say what exactly I’ve observed in such a public blog. But my gut says that this isn’t a good start.
I’ve seen the same patterns in my mom and dad’s marriage. And forgive me for saying this, they may still be married, but I’m sure my dad, despite being a good dad, isn’t a good husband to my mom. He’s loyal, that I’m sure… but oh, my mom deserves so much better.
She would’ve been happier with someone else.
Hopefully I’m wrong.
I told her, being the sweet girl that she is, she deserves a nicer boyfriend. And her boyfriend isn’t the most perfect boyfriend in the world. You know, someone who is more considerate, giving, caring… who is more affectionate.
“[Her name], I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. I think he’s a good person, and so are you…” I replied. “But the question I’m asking is that — are you good for each other? Does he fit you, and vice-versa?”
I’ve seen how both of them are with each other.
Personally, I don’t think they fit very well.
But maybe she’s right, I’m being unfair.
Unconsciously, I’ve been comparing her guy with my boyfriend.
But I do think she deserves SO much better.
“I know [her boyfriend’s name] isn’t as perfect like yours,” she sighed. “But the fact that he’s working hard as well to make this relationship work make it much more meaningful for me. For example, if a guy’s too nice, I’d be bored. I mean, how will we both grow if both of us always agree with each other?”
“But with [boyfriend’s name],” she continued. “I’m always growing and learning something about myself.”
Great, you need continuous conflict to grow and learn.
I look at my relationship.
No conflict there.
But I’m learning something every single day.
Do I have to experience constant conflict to grow and learn?
She made it sound that my relationship with my boyfriend is the most boring thing ever.
“Don’t tell [her boyfriend’s name] what I’ve told you today,” I warned her. “He’ll hate me because of this.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” she consoles me. “If he ever does finds out, he’ll just think you’re doing this because of your love and concern for me.”
I don’t think life’s ever that simple.
Guys, if you ever do something like this, make sure the other person NEVER finds out.
“Are you sure she won’t tell?” worried my boyfriend. “Cause if she does, your relationship’s over.”
“No she won’t,” I told him. “She promised.”
And I really hope she doesn’t.
Aaaargh, I worry too much.
But now that I’ve said my piece, I can sleep in peace. At least, no matter what happens (she has still decided to continue working on it), I knew that I didn’t keep quiet when I’ve observed that they’re not right for each other.
What would you have done if you were me? Your thoughts please.