I didn’t write this, but I wish I wrote this…

Ambiguity

* They are closer than good friends, but aren’t lovers.

* They have a brother/sister relationship, but are afraid to call each other brother/sister.

* People notice this relationship is not as simple as a brother/sister relationship.

* They wait online to make contact with each other.

* They become worried when the other one is not online.

* They think that something is implied by the other person’s MSN title/name.

* The ambiguity is a feeling in itself, but it is not enough to formalize the relationship.

* The ambiguity indicates it’s impossible, but they still won’t give up.

* There is motivation/reasons for a relationship, but they do not have the courage to start a formal relationship.

* They are not lovers, but they understand each other better than their bf/gf.

* They give gifts for one another, but won’t show these gifts off when they give them to the other person.

* Even though they are not lovers, they will tell each other how important they are to one another.

* When one becomes sick, the other one will remind him/her to take medicine, go to bed early, stay covered under the pretense of a regular friend.

* When one has a problem, and want to discuss it, he/she will discuss it with the other.

* When she/he talks about her/his bf, he/she becomes uncomfortable.

* Before their formal relationship has even started, there has been some bitter sweetness —and some unstable, fluctuating emotions.

* People think they are having a secret relationship. And in their hearts, they are happy with this presumption.

* People are always asking them, “Are you in love?” And they don’t know how to answer.

* They want to show their love for one another and desire to be together, but are scared to show it because they may lose a good friendship and a lover.

* When they see each other, they feel their heart beating fast. When they can’t see one another, they start missing one another.

* Through their actions, they guess that the other one likes them.

* No gifts on Valentines Day, but lots of gifts are given during birthdays and Christmas.

* They will get gifts for one another when they are out of town, or go somewhere.

* Make special desserts for one another (candy?).

* At KTV they will choose two songs — “It Just Happened” and “Sibling Relationship.”

* They want to move forward, but scared of one another… and scared that the other will be scared.

* They are really careful in hiding their feelings for one another… and scared that the other will see them looking at them in a special way.

* There is no agreement, but they are willing to do things for one another, without expecting something back from the other person.

Ambiguity is a “door” — you can walk through the door or step back from the door… but you can’t stay in the doorway.

At this moment, there is balance in the relationship. And this moment should be enjoyed, because one day, no power left will be left in this relationship.

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DAMN! This sounds soooooo familiar… 🙁

Boo! Hoo!

Whereas in my case, it’s AGAIN an ambiguous relationship.

Sigh, been there… done that… and hated every moment of it. I can never really get into a pseudo-relationship and come out cold and unaffected. When am in, am totally in… and when am out, am totally out.

And BAM! More than a year later, find myself doing it ONCE AGAIN!

Grrrr… there has got to be a destructive pattern! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh.

But it’s not my fault… well, kinda. Since I subject myself to this type of self-torture, I know, I know… you can say the guy’s a jerk all you want, but it always takes two to tango.

But why am I doing this again?

Hmmm… is it because am stupid?!

Is it because I can’t learn my lesson?!

Probably both… but I’d rather be romantic about it and say, it’s because I found a guy I’m interested in, and I’d like to see where it goes.

As they say, you’ll never know till you try! And better to risk it, than not finding out and asking yourself, “What if?”

The reason for such ambiguity?

According to him, he “can’t enter a relationship yet” since he doesn’t know whether he’ll quit his job, move to Hongkong, or whatever.

I know, I know. *roll eyes*

Just an excuse with the equivalent meaning of, “I don’t think you’re the one… but am having fun with you, so I’d like you to stay around?”

*shivers*

That’s my greatest fear — that he’s saying that because am not the woman he envisions being with, and he’s just playing with my heart.

Nevertheless, for the moment, I’d like to believe he wasn’t giving me a lousy excuse… that he was giving me a truth.

That he really doesn’t know where he’s going to be in half a year’s time, and so is unwilling to get into any kind of formal relationship…

That he really likes me (or at least, is highly interested in me) and would really like to see how it goes…

*shrug*

It’s the only way to keep sane.

I HATE THE AMBIGUITY!!!

But that’s how life is… never purely black, never purely white, but mostly gray.

Sigh.