An Interview with Someone in Heaven: Keep Your Dick in Your Pants


Dude, you’re supposed the smartest guy in the whole universe.

If that was the case, then why the hell would you ever keep 700 wives and 300 concubines?

Just imagine, if you had sex with one different girl each night, you’d have to go through almost 3 years just to have sex with each girl at least once. Now, I may be a lady, but I just want to know, if you have steak every day, will it still taste as delicious as it should be if you’ve only had steak once in a blue moon? So for a person THAT smart, then why keep such a big sized harem?

As if the sex would be THAT good.

Think of Hugh Hefner.

That guy reportedly had sex with over 1,000 women in his lifetime.

That’s about the same number of women you have had on your harem.

You’d think that he’d be one lucky son of the bitch, given his choice of beautiful blonde huge bossomed women revolving around his bedroom, right?

But word on the street was that Hefner was such a bad lay.

One of his wives Holly Madison said that sex with Hefner was “so brief that I can’t even recall what it felt like beyond having a heavy body on top of mine.

Other bunnies recalled having sex with him as him just laying there looking completely bored, as one Playboy bunny after another go on top of him and have a run.

Hence, why the huge number of women? For the ego? Like dude, how many men do you have to impress if you’re already the richest man in the world? Historians believed that your gold mines contained at least 500 tonnes of gold. The UK for example only have an estimated 310 tonnes of gold held at the Bank of England’s vault.

So what’s the point? Usually, those who flaunt their women and power are those new rich with small dicks. Did you have a small dick, King Solomon? If you didn’t, given that you were known to be the smartest and richest man of your time, why the need to flaunt?

What’s more, it’s already hard to maintain one woman and one mistress, much less 998 more. Have you ever seen how overdramatic women can be when given the chance? If so, why would you ever keep over 1,000 of them in your harem? Like first, how could you have housed that many women? Erap for example took street blocks of land to house his many wives and kabits. Don’t you think housing them in one building will not cause petty cat fighting and bitchiness to ensue on a daily basis?

With 1000 women also come 1000 problems. That’s more different ideas, loyalties and, gods and religions. The Bible said that you King Solomon failed to keep the Lord’s statutes and ordinances unlike what his father did.

Dude, you were supposed to be the best of us. How could you be the worst of us?

Because of your many wives, you also worshipped many Gods. You worshipped the Sidonian goddess Ashtoreth, the Moabite god Chemosh, the Ammonite god Milco and Lord knows how many else. And while you did actually build the best biggest baddest temple for Yahweh, the god of Israel, you could not stop yourself from building other temples for the gods the Lord hated, causing Him to abandon you and Israel afterwards.

At the end of your day, it was your stupidity in alliancing yourself with that many women and deities that caused the fall of Israel. First, women fight with each other. They do. Put two women together in a playground, and they’ll eventually end in a total hair pulling bitchfight.

Two, they will inevitably bore children who will eventually fight with each other. Each would want to be King. The record shows you only had 3 children. Given your sexual libido and your 1000 women, are you smart enough to think what I’m thinking? The dark haired King Robert Barratheon had one Cersei and 4 blonde kids. Like dude, given how many girls you’ve had sex with, and the type of birth control that existed during that time, are you really sure that these three are really your own?

Three, when you die, how can anyone unite all these royal wives, concubines and their noisy selfish children? Think on how each would want to consume Israel’s resources for their own. You’re smart; you know how selfish people are. And yet, you created a bunch of selfish assholes. You think they’ll be well loved by the people? Just the resources and servants needed to service all these people is enough to zap money from the kingdom’s coffers. If you’re so smart, how many Marie Antoinette did you make?

That’s the reason why, after you died in 922 BCE, fights and revolts expectedly broke out to decide on who would be the next heir after you. Your father created a strong Israel by uniting the 12 tribes, bringing peace and prosperity to the kingdom. Instead of strengthening the kingdom, your dick and stupidity caused the kingdom to split into two — Israel to the north and Judah to the South. The latter was ruled by your children and became the Jews. While Israel created its own capital, the city of Samaria, and was eventually attacked by third party Assyrians. Now, if the two were more united and had a stronger leader, maybe Israel would have survived and withstood outside forces. Maybe Israel could have lasted longer than it did.

However, given the number of children you borne and the power that was diversified given the immense number of heirs in your lifeline, it is of no secret as to why Israel fell, and I do blame your dick and your stupidity in the fall and scattering of a very special race, who up until 1967 roamed the earth without a country they could have called their own. Dude, like how selfish could you get? That’s really on you.

Honestly, your child and apparent heir Rehoboam never stood the chance.

As they say, your father King David created the wealth that was. You in return expanded it and spoiled your children. And then the third generation squandered it all away. Poor King Rehoboam never even stood a chance. You spoiled your children to the point that none of them were fit for the task of ruling Israel. And you destroyed King David’s linage until all that was left were dust and ashes. No wonder Baby Jesus was born homeless and in a manger.

Why did you not listen to your teacher Shimei, who allegedly prohibited you from marrying that many foreign wives? Instead of listening to your wise teacher, you chose to execute him. You surrounded yourself with “Yes” men who would cater to your every whim, and were wise enough to never cross you, lest they end up like poor Shimei.

So how can someone be so smart, and yet be so stupid when it comes to women?

Let’s be honest here. Your your wives foolishly turned your heart away from the one true Lord and turned them away towards other gods. You knew how wrong you were, and yet, you still continued on, insisting that you are in the right.

In Kings 11:30-34, the Lord condemned your foolish ways, saying: “Therefore the Lord said to Solomon, “Since this has been your practice and you have not kept my covenant and my statutes that I have commanded you, I will surely tear the kingdom from you and will give it to your servant. Yet for the sake of David your father I will not do it in your days, but I will tear it out of the hand of your son. However, I will not tear away all the kingdom, but I will give one tribe to your son, for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem that I have chosen.”

Because of this, I do blame you King Solomon for the despair that the Israelites experienced since after your reign. I actually blame you for the holocaust and all the pain the Israelites suffered afterwards.

So my question right now is, given what you did, are you even saved? Are you even in Heaven or in Hell? For now, I don’t know. However, what I do know is that you did write three books of the Bible: Proverbs, Song of Solomon, and Ecclesiastes. God also said in 1 Chronicles 28:6 that He has chosen you to be His son, and you His Father. This gives me hope that maybe, you’re in heaven. So anyway, who the hell knows?

But let this be a lesson to all men and even women. With great power and mind come great responsibility. And the next time somebody offers to sleep with you, think again. Learn from the smartest man who have ever lived and stop committing the same mistakes as he did. At the end of the day, just say NO.

Who knows?

By making the right choice, your fate will not become as dismal as Solomon’s. At the very least, you can at least tell yourself that even if you’re not as rich as he, you’re at least smarter than the smartest mind who’s ever lived. And that’s all because you’ve successfully kept your dick in your pants.



This is the imperfect write article made for Rick Olivares’ Memoir Writing ClassThe Write Life, that is held every Sunday and Wednesday at 7:30 pm. He has now opened a new writing class. Please contact Rick Olivares directly if you’d like to take any of his writing classes. Highly recommended.

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