In the aftermath of a breakup, we tend to ask ourselves repeatedly, “Why?”
We look into ourselves for answers. We ask other people. We even at times implore our exes to share what we did to have them lose attraction for us.
And we drive ourselves nuts as a result.
I have driven myself crazy asking this simple question, “Why?”
I knew why — I became a controlling, demanding b*tch. I pushed him away. I made him feel as if everything he did couldn’t make me happy (This is not true. I was happy), or that I didn’t need him (Another untruth – Trader was my rock). In short, I was this independent woman who didn’t have the empathy or sensitivity that her boyfriend (no ex) needed her, and I drove him away.
It’s all my fault.
My friend Eric laughs at me. “Yes, you do have fault in the demise of your relationship,” he said. “But it always takes two to tango. It’s not ALL your fault.”
“But I was the one who pushed him away,” I cried. “It’s all my fault. If I was just sweeter, less critical, less demanding, less…”
My friend Karen tells me to cut it out.
“Come on, Bonita,” she said. “Enough. He broke up with you because he wanted out. No matter what he said, or whatever reason he gave, it’s all bullshit. At the end of the day, he left because he wanted to.”
We often ask ourselves the question “Why?”
We want to think there’s a logical reason for the breakup. As if it’s a problem we need to solve.
Then again, at times, there are no real answers.
People break up because when all is said and done, they’ve made a decision. They wanted out.
My Thai friend Suppanikar says along the same lines, “It doesn’t really matter. You were always you. He always stood by you despite knowing that this was you. He stood by you because he loved you then. Then he let you go.”
He let me go.
And all the reasons why disappeared.
When all is said and done, he let you go. And despite the fact that you can change, that the relationship can get better, that it’s worth a second chance, it doesn’t really matter.
In a dance, your partner has left the partner and has let you go.
And though I cry in the evenings for my loss, people tell me that the loss is not completely mine. Yes, I am not perfect. I never was – and will be the first to admit my faults. But he gave me up. He gave up on the potential of us.
“You will find others,” my friend said. “Others who will appreciate you for who you are. Who can embrace you. Who can accept you.”
Relationships aren’t easy. There is no perfect relationship. And even I, I personally am changing myself to be a better person. To be a less controlling, more empathetic, more sensitive individual. To be a better me so to speak.
But if your partner has left the dance floor, the very best you can do to show how much you love that person is to respect their decision, and let them go as well.
My friends wonder why I can move on so fast. Why I am able to post happy photos on my Facebook and seem unfazed by the breakup.
I don’t tell them that it’s because I don’t care. It’s not as if I make a laugh out of my long term relationship. It’s not as if I didn’t love him.
I am letting go not because I don’t care. I am letting go because I care. Because I respect his decision. And because I trust that it’s for the best.
My story is still being written. I don’t know what’s in front of me yet.
“The best has yet to come,” someone told me this week.
He is right.
The best has yet to come.
4 thoughts on ““Why? Why? Why?””
“I knew why — I became a controlling, demanding b*tch. I pushed him away.”
You knew why? Meaning, you knew you were this all along, or was it something you realized after the breakup? Well, as they say “nasa huli ang pagsisisi” But, you’re young. There will be others. Better others?
Maybe not “better” guys, but maybe better relationships. But that’s entirely up to you 2 to WORK on it.
Fair enough, Blackdove.
After some reflection post breakup, I came to the realization that I am accountable to my fair share of blame. This was my reason. I may have had an inkling, but I was not told. Maybe I was too self-absorbed, but it was too late when I realized it. And I didn’t know.
If anything, I think the only fault of good Trader was that he never really communicated well enough that this was my share of the problem. He took it all in, never once complained. He may have hinted, but he never told. I was too dense to get the message.
So whose fault is it? I take responsibility for mine. 🙁
And yes, sa huli na nga ang pagsisisi (You regret and it’s too late).
But I am not merely regretting. I am changing as well. Starting from a few weeks ago. I will strive not make the same mistakes again. The cost of such lesson is huge, but it will be worthwhile.
P.S. And I don’t blame Trader for any of this. Let’s keep him out of it. In fact, he may have given me one of the greatest gift and lesson, as painful as it is at the moment.