How do you know it’s time to breakup?
Simple — when one or the other stops trying.
No matter how different you are — culturally, emotionally, physically or whatever — the most important thing is this: relationships need two people to work. It’s an ongoing effort. And no matter how compatible you may be, everyday, you have to actively work at maintaining a relationship.
Problem is, people start getting lax in the middle of the relationship. At one point, some just stop trying. And of course, the other has no idea what has happened. “Does he still love me? Then why isn’t he making an effort anymore?“
Naturally, that other person tries even harder. He/she becomes to look even more desperate, because he/she wants to save the relationship. Most of the time, this drives the partner away even further. People are stupid — They cannot appreciate what they already have. It’s only when they lose it than they feel regret. But it’s already too late.
My mistake is that I tried to hard, pushed too hard for the relationship. Maybe it’s because he’s my first love, so I put up with all the crap. I should’ve given up earlier when I found out that he wasn’t trying anymore. But I didn’t. I’m a person who does not give up easily, especially with regards to people I really cared about. And I tried harder and harder. He just couldn’t handle it, but he had no courage to say anything about it.
No one wants to be the bad guy. I believed I was the perfect girlfriend; never gave him any excuse to complain. Besides, it wasn’t in his nature to. So we pushed on a dead-end relationship.
Ultimately, I didn’t feel it was healthy for both of us anymore. I was becoming someone I didn’t want to be. I was unhappy most of the time, and my needs weren’t being met. In his side, he found himself feeling guilty of not being able to love me for the great person I am. Everyone else can see the whole situation — and disapproved. But what can they do? I was madly in love with this guy. And love makes people blind.
But afterwards, I gradually got my confidence back. I slowly realized my value. I was a great person, a wonderful friend, had a good future in front of me. Why was I putting up with a dead-end relationship? I deserved better than that. And if he cannot realize it, then, he’s not the right man for me.
Maybe I’m a Libran, so it took me a while to realize this. Even my friends gave up on me already. But once I made a decision, it was easier then.
We mutually agreed to break up on our one-year anniversary.
How screwed up is that?! But I was still a great girlfriend till the end. I gave him a choice. If he will make an effort, I have no qualms in continuing. But he couldn’t.
So bye-bye. I think I deserve more than that.
Present state of being: Sometimes lonely, especially when I reminisce about the past; sometimes angry, especially when I think he’s stupid for giving up a great woman; sometimes relieved, for being able to realize that I’m worthy of so much love.
It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me this week. One day, I’m empowered and ranting to my friends how good it is to be single. The next day, I’m bawling ’cause I got my anniversary gift, and I feel bad for losing a nice guy like him. Don’t take me wrong. I don’t hate my ex.
He’s a great guy.
He just wasn’t a great boyfriend.
Big difference there.
But I’ve learned a lot from this relationship, and the next one would be better. Now, I’m starting to give up already on the subject of getting back together (It won’t happen), and it’s good ’cause I can move on already. I’m hoping it would just take me a month, even less… but we’ll see. Most of my friends took a year to get over their first loves! I hope it won’t take me that long.
I still love him though. So much. But if I grovel and ask him to get back together with me, nothing good will come out from it. Where’s my respect? Why did we breakup in the first place?! If it ever happens, he has to be the one to ask me back. And it’s not because of pride or ego. No. It’s because he has to make a conscious decision to make it work, to try.
But I know him. That won’t happen. So moving on!
I’m lucky though. I’ve been drowning in my friends’ love, encouragement and support ever since my breakup. Most people have to deal with it alone. I don’t, and I’m grateful for that. One friend even offered to treat me to Friday’s since this is a time of celebration.
Friends don’t like to see their friends in pain. And when they saw me in a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship, they hurt too. Some are honest with their opinion, while others waited till I could see the light. But EVERYONE agreed it’s better that we broke up. It just wasn’t healthy.
Haha, how do you know if you should break up? If everyone tells you you’re not in a healthy relationship. In my case, even people who knew my ex felt it wasn’t working out. But it’s good that they were patient enough to let me realize that on my own, and I’m grateful for that.
It seems to be a season of breakups. I wonder if it’s because it’s almost summer, where it’s easier to find a new partner?
Case 1: My friend from Holland. She and her Taiwanese boyfriend temporarily separated so that she can work for her thesis. But her ex called it off after heeing and hawing about concentrating more on their studies. Bullsh*t! Personally, I think he’s spineless and weak and he doesn’t know a good thing when he has it. But it’s good though. I think she deserves better than that. And am 100% sure she’ll find someone a LOT better.
Case 2: My South American friend and his Taiwanese girlfriend who broke up last week as well. They were simply in a toxic relationship, where they’ll argue and fight regularly. It’s like a soap opera. They both love each other so much, but if you cannot get past each other’s faults and blame each other every single time, it just can’t work. The guy’s trying too hard to change, but the girl just keeps on blaming him. End result? Kaput.
Case 3: Another friend who recently broke up with his long-distance Japanese girlfriend. He found out she was cheating on him for three months with a colleague. He was devastated since he put in a lot of effort in the relationship. But since he loves her so much, he’s trying to take her back. I think the girl’s dumping the new guy and try to make the relationship work again. Will they get back together again? I think it depends on the girl. She has to make an effort, but I don’t see that.
And a lot more… so many of my friends are breaking up, it’s unbelievable! Do we have a trend here? But despite the reasons, I think the main reason is this: One person’s trying too hard, while the other is trying too little.
A relationship’s like a plant. After a seedling sprouts, for it to flourish, you have to water and take care of it regularly. You can’t leave it to itself. If you do, it would die.
A relationship needs two people to work. If one starts giving up, breakup. If they want you still, they’ll make an effort to take you back. If not, let them go. The relationship’s no longer worth it. You’re just subjecting yourself to pain if you continue with a relationship where the other isn’t as willing anymore.
Learn from my mistake. But then again, you’ll forget everything I’ve just written just now. For it to stick, you’ll probably have to go through it yourself.
C’est La Vie!
3 thoughts on “Breakup Season?”
this is really an interesting post. lot of good insights on love and relationships. 🙂
Comments like these are an encouragement. Dense and Thea, thanks! 🙂