It’s hard to be in a long distance relationship with you.

It’s tough.

Especially for someone as tactile as I am, I’ve come to realize the past few days just how much I crave human contact. When I feel your hugs, I feel loved. When I have no choice but to hug my pillow, well, my pillow feels loved but I don’t.

My parents stayed with me in Hong Kong last week.

Guess what?

They embrace even when they sleep… and this was after 25+ years of marriage. 

My dad naturally clasps my hand when we walk.

My mom asked for a hug when I first saw her.

This is my world of tactility. How different is it from yours that do not crave touch as much.

You’re right babe — Distance does make the simplest things more difficult.

And though it’s only been a week (yes, I am damn weak), I can now forsee just how different things would be.

How long will we stay in this parallel relationship, merely reinforced by frequent SMS, an occassional call and a quarterly trip somewhere? When I see you once again, will I still be able to recognize the contours of your face?

Nothing really beats having you beside me, and when I told you that I kept so busy the past few days so I wouldn’t miss you? I lied.

Because I miss you now.

And every moment not being with you makes me think more.

It allows me to question whether “us” would work. I ask whether it’s merely the honeymoon phase?

I wonder how long I can still keep to my rational self.

It makes me doubt US.

My friends think I am foolish.

They are of course, after my three years of singlehood, are happy that I finally found a guy worthwhile my time. They would like to meet you sometime just to see what type of guy had made me succumb.

However, they are equally concerned. They are afraid that I may get hurt, and given our little story, it’s so easy to doubt whether it would work or not.

“Aiya Bonita, been there and done that,” my friend AT warns me as she hears more of our “love” story. She warns me how men say the sweetest thing to get what they want. On how easy it is for men to lose interest.

Babe, I chose you because of your sincerity.

Because you wanted me so much more.

Because I trust you.

I will KILL you if you break my heart.

Okay so you promised not to do it earlier. You promised to protect me.

But what are promises without the feelings which may or may not fade given the distance.

As they say, distance either make the relationship flounder or grow founder. What would ours be, you think?

Anyway, just want you to know that this distance is starting to bother me.

You asked me last week whether how long I can bare to have this distance between us. I told you not to worry.

Well, am telling you to start worrying. It’s not easy for me.

Yes, you’ve already made the decision but for me it’s really tough to maintain a relationship with a guy I’ll meet 7 weeks later!

Remember when we saw each other last, I asked you to be my lighthouse.

There may be days of doubt, loneliness, and sadness.

These are the days, and it’s making me weak.

I am becoming vulnerable and weak for you. Are you happy now?

I find it hard to be in a relationship where I cannot touch you, talk to you as conveniently as if we’re in the same country. Yes, have already been there and done that before with Michan, but how did I forget just how hard it was?

Now, the memories come flooding back.

Long distance relationships are not easy.

Why did you even have to pick me, someone so geographically incompatible? Can’t you or I choose someone who at least lives in the same country? Arrrrgh.

Anyway, I will go to bed now. Gotta stop the blabbing unless I want to continue on my crazed raving which does NOT help.

I miss you. I really do.

Yours,

Bonita