My thoughts drifted to a woman who once pulled me aside and said, “Raven, I know you meant no harm but I’m a firm believer that if you feel uncomfortable about a certain situation, you’d have to speak up even at the risk of offending the person. Because it’s better to speak out than to explode and never talk to that person again.”
I had no clue what she was talking about so I urged her on.
“Well,” she frankly started her tirade, “Remember last weekend we were at the beach and I was acting really weird? Well, I’d like to apologize about that.”
I have the memory of a mouse so I consoled her that it was no big deal. I have felt that she was sometimes strangely silent and walked out around the beach the other day, but heck, maybe she wanted some time alone for herself.
Boy, am I just dense.
“It’s just that I’ve been hurt before,” she continued. “That’s why I’ve learned to be extra careful. And when I saw how well you and (boyfriend’s name) got along well together, well, all the fears came rushing back.”
Ooooookay….. so where did that come from?
Her boyfriend and I share the same industry and long work hours at different firms. Hence, whenever I see him, I find pleasure in talking about work, work and more boring work. Maybe it has something to do of her being a teacher?
But what is she being jealous about — she is with him! And I have no interest in attached men!
“Five years ago, I went out with this guy. And it wasn’t really working out but that’s not the point,” she shared.
“The thing is, I felt that him and this girlfriend of mine had this chemistry but of course, I ignored it saying that I was very silly,” she continues. “Well, we broke up one day and the girl even went to my house, held my hand as I cried and said that I should find someone better… that maybe he was seeing someone else.”
“Two weeks later,” she related. “They got together. I was devasted. Am not really the type of girl who takes on revenge but that screwed me up so badly. I sent her a message, ‘I am not a vengeful type of woman, but know that karma — what goes around, comes around.'”
Hooookay. So for some reason, I am being punished by some other woman’s sins?
So ultimately, what is the point of this conversation?
“I like you a lot Raven,” she summarized, “And I think you’re very cool. But I don’t want it so that I won’t want to hang out with you anymore…”
“… Am not a jealous or possessive person, but I don’t want that one day, I’ll decide not to hang out with you anymore and not call you,” she ended.
Wow, is she threatening me — for what? Being myself?
She then sweetly advised, “There’s such a thing about being respectful to the girlfriend. I think when you have a boyfriend yourself, you’ll know exactly what I mean. And that means, respecting some distance.”
Oh my god.
I don’t know whether she’s psycho — or that I am?
She has made me as if am a threat to her, even though I am far from being a threat. As a rule, I do NOT date attached men and I’ve told her exactly that — albeit sweetly. And if I was salivating over her boyfriend, I wouldn’t be friends with her. I’d just snatch him away from her watchful nose!
But it does bother me — this conversation.
Am not used to be wrongfully accused — and why oh why do my guy friends’ girlfriends always act this way?
My best friend Top Climber once said, “Why is it that every single girl I date is mighty jealous of you?! As if! I should make them sign a contract saying that they shouldn’t be so before I date them…”
Big sigh.
What’s even worse, once they are actually comfortable enough to be with me, the guy breaks up with them and their heart, and then they turn to me for consolace.
Truth be told, I am better friends sometimes with the ex-girlfriends which spook my guy friends out. Of course, am not blabbing on them but that still hasn’t prevented them from feelihng that it’s weird.
*throws hands up in the air*
I don’t know — what are your thoughts really?
Do you think am being paranoid or maybe that’s why quite a handful of women hate my stinking guts. Once of my girlfriends (now former), ignored my facebook request because she partially blames me for her divorce.
She thought I dated her ex-husband after they broke up — even though it’s not at the very least true. 🙁
She was really nice when she was still here and the whole thing breaks my heart.
But then again, if she doesn’t ask to clarify what really happened, well what can I say?
Anyway, am not really used to being a woman’s public enemy number 1 — and didn’t even do anything. Last weekend, she was supposed to invite me to her housewarming party and didn’t.
Needless to say, I was slightly disappointed.
But come to think of it, it may have been for the best. If I am surrounded by a woman wherein which I must learn how to shun my true self just for her sake, so she wouldn’t be jealous…. well, that’s just too much ma fan.
Que sera sera… what will be will be.
Okay, am off my soapbox now. Gotta start reading Harry Potter 7.
*shakes head*
Geez, don’t blame you guys for thinking that some women are just psycho.
Or maybe just insecure.
Nighty night.
Hi Raven. Poor you being wrongfully accused!!
But then, I can somewhat relate to the person you spoke of.
See, my girlfriend has lots of guy friends and they have lots of fun together.
I’m not the jealous type and I’m sure i’m not possessive. But sometimes, when they hang out,
it hurts a bit to see my partner laughing and having a good time with another person.
I think its that feeling of being left out that hurts.
Maybe its through the topic of conversation or reminiscing about the past that only ‘them’ share or doing an activity that I can’t do.
The bottom line is that they’re enjoying something that i’m not a part of, which really really sucks.
and it doesn’t matter if their intentions are all good. when ur hurt, insecurities kick in really fast.
i want my partner to enjoy time with her friends. But some recognition (either from my partner or her friends), that i do exist, would be nice.
i can agree with the above.
the person one wants to be with should be the individual one has the most enjoyable moments with most of the time. However, when the individual starts having a lot of fun, maybe even more fun, with others esp. members of the opposite sex, it’s a natural human reaction to feel threatened – irrespective of whether these jealous feelings are justified or not. (i think most of us would at one point or another experience this)
what i do to pre-empt this is to always include the significant other of my opposite sex friends to show goodwill. but i don’t do this in a contrived manner. some may say that these insecure folks should be responsible for their state of mind… but i still feel that it is just general decorum to be all-round catering. after all, that’s how i would like to be treated as well.
however, i do draw a line. i know there are times i catered to the…erm… psycho puddy cat… and i step to the sidelines to make it known that i am just a wee lil’ nothin’. however, if i still get clawed that’s just kuh-rae-zeee!
anyhow, if the boyfriend dun do anything to make her feel secure i also feel that there’s something messed up there and personally i just wouldn’t deal with either of them.
there.
Hi Will, think it’s natural for a significant other to want their boy/girlfriend to have fun with them the most. To see that sense of intimacy being shared with others make them feel threatened. You want to make her laugh the most, share with you the most, etc.
But if that’s the case, relationships will limit you, not enhance you. If I just stick to my boyfriend and depend on him for my every emotional needs, not only will he feel pressured but also life will not be as fulfilling because u only have one outlet.
Hope that the other person can be more secure. The more you hold ’em, the more they run away. And seriously, I have no interest with her bf.
Hey Em, thanks for the lovely comment. Couldn’t agree with you more. One thing though, I think I’m weird or maybe I’ve been single too long. But if my romantic interest is having fun with someone, for some insane reason, I don’t feel threatened because I know he’s with me anyway. At the end of the day, my hands are those he’s holding, not the other woman. So the Golden Rule doesn’t really apply to me.
Or maybe that’s just me…