Why are we so much a martyr and allow ourselves to be tortured by some impending doom?
I know what will happen and still, strap myself tight and go for the ride. I know I’ll get hurt sometime in the future, and yet, with two eyes open, I decide to still go through it.
How crazy is that?!
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My guy friend gave me a call last night bickering and moaning about a failed non-relationship.
He really liked this girl and kinda pursued her, asking her out for dinner, walking her home and spending time with her in the park. Heck, he even turned down sex just to spend two hours mindlessly walking around with her.
Then, she dropped the bomb and told him yesterday that she decided to go out with a Korean dude.
My guy friend was dumbfounded.
Didn’t they have that connection? When they talk, don’t they share much in common? Aren’t they compatible in so many ways?
And how about this Korean dude?!
“Well, I don’t know,” she mumbles. “When I’m with him, I can’t speak… my heart beats a million times a minute…”
And my guy friend thinks, “How can you hook up with a guy with whom you can’t even speak with?! Where’s the communciation there?”
But there lies the problem — With him, she feels comfortable and can be herself. But the difference is that she feels a spark with this Korean dude. She feels breathless when she’s with him and couldn’t even speak.
Doesn’t really matter that they share nothing in common and can’t even talk to each other so long as they have that undeniable spark.
I can feel my guy friend banging his head on the wall.
“Spark my ass!” he’d say.
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How important is the spark really in a long-term relationship?
If you didn’t have that spark, would you give up?
I usually describe my relationship to be easy, comfortable and peaceful. My boyfriend and I are compatible in so many ways it’s funny. We make each other happy and enjoy each other’s company. We share similar interests and are satisfied in just zoning out watching a video or engaging in outdoor activities such as river tracing last weekend.
Is it as passionate as my previous relationship?
No.
I thought my ex was very, very sexy. One look at him and I start to drool. My boyfriend is also a sexy man. And I am very attracted to him.
But our relationship is not as passionate as my previous one. My past relationship was a tumulous roller coaster ride full of emotional highs and lows that literally drove me out of my mind. I was crazy in love with my ex at that time, while my current relationship is more about being happy and satisfied with each other’s company.
Not that I’m comparing since they are apples and oranges… but what I’m saying is, the spark does not make mature relationships.
Say, you meet 10 people, all of whom are single and available.
You go out with each of them once or twice.
Crazily enough, the chance is big that the person with whom you have the most intense spark with, is the person who’s the least compatible with you in the first place! He/she will drive you crazy in the long run and life with him/her wouldn’t be as happy… but you still pursue it anyway because of that magical, mythical spark!
How f*cked up are we, really?!
But we can’t really change the other person’s mind, can we?
We can’t strongly shake them and tell them that they’re merely chasing that overrated myth that is the spark.
And that’s the most frustrating thing of all — Being able to see things clearly, and yet, the other person cannot see it…
Personally, I want that spark. It’s good to have that spark. You can’t imagine the ultimate high you get when you’re with someone whom you share the spark with. I know, I had it before.
But I also understand that ultimate highs come with supreme lows.
You can’t imagine how many tears I’ve shed in that previous relationship. It was like a drug that I was addicted to, and couldn’t get myself out off.
I look at my boyfriend now and I realize that ours is a sound, healthy relationship with a firm foundation of friendship, respect and commitment. As the days go on, I grow to respect him as a person, a partner and a man. And I adore him.
When he hugs me, I feel safe. When we talk about issues surrounding our lives, I feel as if I have someone to share my life with.
The spark — that falling in love feeling so to speak — is not as strong as it was in my previous relationship. But it’s there… for me, it’s like a growing ember of fire. Gradually building up and growing…
It’s not as fiery hot as it was before, but it’s being built up… little by little…
And I think this is what long-term relationships should be based in.
So what are your thoughts? 🙂 Please do share, I’d really like to know what you think…
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Other points of view:
Sparks are nice and should be enjoyeed when they’re there and while they last…
But that’s different from pursuing anything w/ someone just because there’s spark 🙂
The man I’m marrying manages to make me go breathless still, sometimes, but mostly we just bask in the comfort we bring to each other… and build from there.
I believe sparks are there to draw you to a person… much like a beautiful face or wonderful physique…or ready wit does…
But there always has to be something else to build on and to be compatible about…
Maybe, your friend’s girl just want the sparks…and isn’t ready yet for anything serious and long-lasting 🙂
Hi Mec, there are people who want a serious, long-lasting relationship but believe in the spark. If it’s not there, they just get up and leave. So I don’t think it’s related to whether or not they want something long-term. It’s just a belief I guess… that has the dangerous potential to destroy something wonderful.
Assume you mean sparks as in ‘love at first site’ which is somewhat of a misnomer but i guess theres no better term.
I don’t believe in relationships w/o MUTUAL sparks. Most of the time its one sided though and those don’t and shouln’t work at all cos its more like a crush.Sparks represent your subconscioius telling you that something is right.Of course its just a start.
Aren’t sparks what seperates realtionships from mere friendships ? The flip side of the sparks question is whether relationships can start from friendships. I think they shouldn’t for the same reason. It is possible to fall in love with anyone given enogh time.
Also the subconsicous changes as you grow.Your expectations change/increase and that changes the intenstity and whom you have sparks with too in the future.
Just curious.. um how many times have you actually experienced MUTUAL love at first site ?
Talking to most of my friends the answer has been zero which totally surprised me. I guess i’ve been lucky at 10. 🙂 I can remember each one 😀 THe feeling on each was incredible/unblievable but it makes it really hard because both parties are hell nervous.Oh yeah i’ve also had one sided sparks, both me for someone else and vice versa. The feel is totally diffrent though and isn’t anywhere close.
@l, just curious, if you’re lucky with getting 10 “love-at-first-sight encounters,” why hasn’t it worked out? If everything was so right, why couldn’t you be with that women for long? Thanks for your input!
So I guess, what I’m wondering is, are sparks reliable? Or are they just pure chemistry?
^_^. I knew you would ask me this.
I didn’t even know what it was until quite recently. Cos my friends insisted that there was no such thing. They’ll be like your reading too much into it and at that point I was so unsure of myself that I’d agree with them.So/besides I would think err theres no way these women being so attractive would be interested in me. My self esteem in terms of attractivenss was so low that I didn’t really think that women would be interested in me generally or perhaps it just never occurred to me. haiz.
So sum it up no confidence/unsure/nervous/self esteem = do nothing = sad. Unfortuanely especially since we live in a society where the guy still has to be pro-active. So i guess i came across as sullen/arrogant or something. To be honest I didn’t even give myself a chance. The weirdist part is that Im a person whos not so short for words or confidence in other areas.I was in the Student Union in Uni and used to address hundreds of people at a time and I would also be able to go up to anyone and stike a conversation.Thats why the whole thing with me clamming out really freaked me out.Not even anywhere near r’ship stage. Oh well still young at 25 😀
I think though if you have those sparks you know you’d be willing to forgive… have more give and take in your realationship and to do more unconditionally.Like with you and your ex your were even prepared to try to become Japanese :D.Its totally diffrent from the rationalness in a normal relationship, you know the shes a nice person, good personality. I supposed the other thing is that Im a very rational person or perhaps very cautious so there was no way until I’d gone through enough of these to accept that it is real.
One of the few times i actually acted upon it. Err I actually rang the girl whom i hadn’t talked to at the party, out of the blue 9 mths (id been out of the country twice on extended periods also) later having got a number from my cous (who took 3 mths to get the number and initally gave me the wrong one so i rang the wrong person :P) who got it from the b’day girl .hhahaha Absolutely insane but got a date. hahahahahah.You know w/o that chemistry she would either have written me off or perhaps i wouldn’t have done anything. hahahahahah. Thats just one of the crazy stories !! LOL
Of course as you get older the rational part increases.. But you still need the spark ! 😀
Tina Turner- whats love but a second emotion?
Says it all really.
PS- just to let you know, Im Chinese Australian and the girls were Chinese. I think that adds something to the pic. 😀 lol
oops.. i mean whats love but a second hand emotion ?
@l, yes, I did notice you were Australian-Chinese. One of my best friends is Australian-Chinese and yes, she talks about university/college as “uni.” Very telling. Thanks for being a frequent visitor and inputting your comments to my blog. Welcome.
Ah, that spark. Thing is, spark fades after a couple of weeks, right? Now, if spark fades, is it time to stay and see if there’s something more lasting, or go? Personally, if spark is the basis of a relationship, you go into it blindly without really thinking on whether this is someone you’d like to share with in the long run.
Have you read the book, “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck? That basically sums up what I feel about sparks (short-term infatuation that dies as quickly as they come) and real love (a decision you make for better or worse)…
🙂 I like your place. Thanks I’ll have an orange juice lol
Ah yes, ‘uni’ hahahhahaah
You can always go with the spark and combine it with the necessary,that is whether you’d like to share time with that person in the long run.Of course that makes it that much harder :). I think the biggest problem with sparks is that it burns out quickly cos theres a tendency to spend too much time with the person, much too quickly and than subsequently rush into a relationship.That creates problems with perspective or rather a lack of it.Savour it bit by bit.Stretch it out and get to know the person slowly. That is have both magic and logic. Isn’t that wonderful ? 😀
After all if its going to work .. and if it doesn’t .. no harm done 😀 That works well this way too because there isn’t time/energy/emotion to waste entering into relationships which have little chance to progress to marriage…:).
You’re right. Sparks do burn out quickly once you overspend a lot of time with that person. So the question is, are sparks the basis for a healthy long-term relationship? If it burned out quickly, then how reliable is it in the first place?
Ironic thing is, the more you spend time with the person, the more you get to know him/her. So is that bad? If sparks die because you spend so much time, isn’t it replaced by something more valuable in the long run? Say, friendship, respect, mutual interests?
Basis of a relationship ? Well its a starting point I think. One analogy I can think of is with study. I would say its like getting into a Univeristy.Its an indication of your ability and a starting point.However you still have to study to get past right ? You have to grow, perservere and most importantly work at it.
I wouldn’t say replaced.Hopefully its more complemented with a solid foundation comprising things such as friendship.I mean the idea is that you’ll stil turn around occasionally and go wow :D.
Occasionally, or constantly? The thing with me is that the spark isn’t there all the time. Sometimes, I see my mate as a best friend, sometimes a brother and sometimes a lover. It differs depending on the circumstance.
My friends tell me of a spark that’s always on lover’s mode. Is that possible? Personally, my fire is burning… slowly yet brightly. It’s not that raging fire that people talk about. Which makes me wonder, if I sometimes see my mate as a brother or a best friend, is my relationship doom to end?